Catching Up

This is the longest I have ever gone in silence.  Sometimes when I thought about writing, things were good and I didn't want to jinx it............but mostly things were just bad and I didn't want to talk about that either.
So here is a quick summary of the past couple of month:

Therapy was helping but then W stopped going, started finding excused he couldnt be there.  The last time I went alone because I didnt want to reschedule again.  W had flowers waiting for me when I got home.  He said he really was sorry.  I rescheduled one more time but as soon as I found out he was going to be out of town, I canceled the session.  I never said anything to him, he probably forgot anyway.

My grandmother had to have emergency surgery in Nov.  They did not expect her to survive.  She did, but I had to work from home for 3 week to take care of her.  Not that I minded at all.  I love her, Im glad I could be there for her.

Over this past summer I donated blood and found I had liver issues.  They spent months, testing and retesting.  Finally in Nov. they sent me to see a specialist.  I explained that I knew the treatment was expensive and sucked.............worked a lot like chemo.  So...........Im ready, lets get this shit started.
He looked at me like I was crazy.  He handed me a bunch of stuff to read, gave me websites to research and told me I had no clue what I was getting myself into.  He asked me to come back in 30
days.
In the meantime, my grandmother got better and we discovered she has cirrhosis.......no alcohol related just that she is so old.  I am still working my ass off to catch up with my job and get my grandmother's paperwork in order.  I have to go out of state to get her bank shit in order, only bank in the entire country that requires you to be present in order to gain online access.  I got her new will in order, and handed all the paperwork off to my brother to put in a safety deposit box.   Got to spend a few days with my best friend in the whole world.  Drove home the next day and 45 min into the drive I could barely stay awake.  Thought I had had plenty of sleep, so not sure what was going on, but I pulled over at a gas station, called W and let him know I was going to take a short nap and then head out.
The next day I was beyond sick.  I had Mono, laryngitis and strep.  Doctor said that happens when you work your body to exhaustion.  NICE!  Later I would make a joke about W leaving me alone instead of staying home to take care of me..................which he swears I meant.  Why is it that when I need him to read my mind he cant and when he suddenly develops the ability, he so far off.  I even apologized for it coming across like that (was a text, it happens).  He calls it bullshit (this from someone who never, ever cusses at me).  He says I left my sick grandma just so I could go spend time with my friend.  He called me Fucking Selfish.......so FUCKING SELFISH.  I knew I was getting ready to start my treatment and I knew my friend was sick, but I went anyway.
I was so hurt.  I let him talk until he walked away.
Later I would ask him again, do you really think I am selfish.  He said yes, sometimes.  But then again so I am.  I explained, as diplomatically as I could, that cussing at me was uncalled for and never ok.  It took him some time but he apologized.

My treatment:
Both my girls ask me what is involved.  When I told them I could lose my hair, I asked them if they would shave their heads.  They love me, but not that much.  When I told them that I have severe mood swings, they joked they would get me a wig for every mood.  My son-in-law noted that would be a lot of wigs.  I even found the silver lining.  I will lose weight!  I have at least 20 I didnt need anyway.  But through all of the joking, W never says anything.  One night when we were lying in bed, I confessed that I was really scared.  He responded by saying I was just freaking myself out by reading all that crap about it.
I am now barely into week 2 of 24 weeks of treatment.  So far it is has not been as has horrible as they described it.  But it hasnt been fun either.  I sleep a lot.  My joints hurt, I have no appetite, I am only washing my hair 1-2 times a week in fear of it falling out.  I have lost 12 lb but drink a lot of protein shakes and raw foods; figure if Im not eating much, I need to be feeding my body only good stuff.  I am not allowed caffeine, sugar or alcohol (I know, why bother going on, right).
Today, I started yoga but it was kind of a lazy girl's yoga.  I have turned in all my paperwork for short term disability.  After trying to work and take care of my grandmother for only 3 weeks, I knew there was no way I could work and take of myself and keep up with work for 24 weeks.
W has gotten a little better about support.  I do not know if he thinks Im going back to work or not.  It is a 40% cut in pay for me and I know it wont be easy, but no one is asking him to do it.  I imagine we will have this conversation come tomorrow or Monday.  Dont see that going well.
I do tell him what I need......when I need a hug or for him to hold me.  Mostly he complies, sometimes he is like "let me finish looking at blah blah blah on my cell".  He will usually ask me if I want some tea or water to drink.  And although he has yet to make dinner all by himself, he does help more than he used to.

Wake up Call
 A few month ago, I met a high level executive for a fortune 500 company on a flight back from training for my work.  He was chatty and polite. So I asked him about the culture in his company.  I love this question because I am always working to better ours, regardless of where I work.  It was a great conversation.  He added me to LinkIn and later invited me to lunch.  To me this was a very casual interview, networking.  I am stoked, not because I am looking for a new job but because every opportunity is exactly that, an opportunity....................and I do not overlook those.
Lunch went well.  He asked me a lot of questions about my leadership style and experiences.  He told me he was blown away.  Someone my age (he thought I was in my late 20's, which I corrected later) to have such a solid grasp of leadership, was truly amazing.  On and on he went on how impressive my resume was.  I was so on my game.
He asked if I wanted to grab a coffee and I agreed (it was very cold).  At Starbucks, he asked about how much time  had off (I was 2 days from beginning my treatment - not something I was going to share), so I told him I was off the rest of the year.  He asked me if I could go anywhere for vacation, where would I go.  I didn't hesitate, "Bora Bora".  He confided that he would like to go there.  So my naive ass gets all excited and wide eyed........asking him if he has ever seen the bungalows that sit in the lagoon.  I go on and on about how beautiful it is..............I do this, I am a very passionate person.....sometimes at really inappropriate times.  We can count this as one.
"So, you know I could take you there."
My heart falls into the pit of my stomach.
"Oh, but what would your wife say?"  It all I can think to say.
"Well, we would have to come up with a story.  What would your husband say?"
"The same thing your wife would say if she found out, Fuck No!"
Silence.
Then I ask, "What would it cost?"
"Excuse me?"
"Guys don't just offer to take girls to Bora Bora out of the goodness of their heart, there is always a price."
"The opportunity to spend more time with you.............and if it lead to more then, that would be ok too."
"E, I have been cheated on.  You do not want to be that guy.  He is selfish and the pain he causes can never be taken back.  Forgiveness only heals so much.  Don't do this to her.  I could never be that person."
"Hang-on and I can tell you....."  He reaches both his hands to my face.  I can feel the warmth from his hands before they even come in contact and pull back so quickly that I bump my head on window behind me.

"Well, that answers my question."
"You would never higher me, would you?"
"What?"
"I am too much of a distraction, you would never higher me."
 "No, you are very right about that.  Look N, if you really want my honest opinion on your career; you are not just beautiful, when people meet you what they first see is your perfect, exotic looks.  Those huge eyes and full lips of a model.  But you are the whole package, (he gestures to my body).  You are highly educated and well spoken.  When you interview, the person on the other side of the table is thinking one of two things; she could take my job or she would be a distraction.  I think you would be best suited for sales where that is exactly what you want your customers think about you.  Not admin or management where you are constantly working closely with a few individuals."
I have heard this before.  Still, it meant that everything he had said before was bullshit and an attempt to get me in bed.
I try to change the subject back to him to keep this from ending awkwardly.  I ask him to tell me about his wife.  They have one daughter, his wife doesn't work but he wishes she would, it causes a lot fights.  They have been married 22 years and haven't slept together in 2 years.  He is unhappy and doesnt even care how she feels anymore.  They are just roommates.  When he meets people like me (keep in mind, he has never done anything like this before, ever!) it makes him believe there is something better out there for him.
I put my sunglasses back on in an attempt to hide the tears that I know are coming.  I am no longer listening to a stranger.................this is my husband describing us.
I cried all the way home, telling myself I was upset this guy hit on me.  But I know the real truth and that hurts so much worse.






days

Fear

The counselor stares at W.  I glance from one to the other.  W raises his eyebrows and shrugs.
"So you haven't noticed any changes in your behavior?"
Pushing out his lower lip, W shakes his head from side to side.
"No changes in your marraige.'
He shrugs and says, "I didn't think there was anything really wrong before."  W smiles, thinking he is funnier than he really is.
"How about changes in her."  He points in my direction.
"I guess she seems happier."
"Any you don't think you have had anything to do with that?  You need to give yourself more credit."

I start feeling like I am watching a tennis match. I am positioned on the couch so that with a slight turn of my head, I can W or our counselor.  My head starts spinning but its not from all the back and forth.  No, this is from his complete lack of observation.  Is is really setting here claiming he hasn't noticed any differences?  I know I have seen them.  Haven't I?  It can't all be the meds I have put myself on..........meds I have increased when I can't handle certain situations.  Meds that have my youngest daughter saying, "I like medicated mom!"

So is it really better?  I think so.  It feels better.  Most days anyway.  These past two have sucked.  He has been really irritable.  I am trying to leave him alone and do my own thing.  Being around him when he is like this causes me serious anxiety and I break out in hives.

The counselor asked us how things were.  Then he asked what we needed for things to be great.  W didn't have an answer.  I changed my answer.  Explaining that things have been better than just good.  But the better they get, the more I fear they will go back to how they were.  Like the other day, he was out of town for work and didn't call me when he said he would. It still doesn't take much for my thoughts to run a muck.

I know that I have so little left when I comes to my broken heart.  I cannot take another lie..........affair.........heartache.  And the better things get, the further I have to fall when it happens again.  I just want to embrace the happiness............but............I am so afraid.

So I pray and I remind myself, I may not be strong enough to do this any more........... but there is someone who is and through Him..............all things are possible.  Facing what scares the shit out me, facing my fear...........I can do this.

Baby Steps

Our counselor asked that we write down 10 things that the other does/or we wish they would do that makes us feel loved.  After reading them aloud to one another, we were asked to keep the lists in a place where we could see them every day.  We are asked to do at least one thing on the list every day.

We make weekly appointments with one another, just the two of us, no interruptions, must remain partially clothed, candle lite and music and no sex.  We have done this 3 times.  We adhered to all the rules the first two times.

The other day I was putting up his clothes and found my list in his top drawer.  It made my heart leap.

Over the past few weeks I have seen an incredible change in him.................... in us.  Baby steps, but they are all steps moving us forward, not backwards.

We have a long way to go, but I want to thank the Not Alone Organization for all they have done for us.   We could not have made the progress we have if it were not for them.

Liar Liar

Our last counseling session was a little over a week ago.  It went well.  Our assignment was to schedule time together, spent in our underwear, touching one another.  The rules: no touching under the clothing and no sex.

We did this last Saturday.  It was amazing and the no sex thing proved to be the most difficult part.  Since then, I have noticed a marked improvement in him.  He is happier, more open and more affectionate.  Still no sex, but the counselor says to do this right, it could be some time before we are ready.

I was hopeful.

Last night we met in the city for dinner and a movie, to celebrate M's birthday.  When I arrived with the girls, I smelled smoke on him.  When I asked him about it he said it was the first on since his birthday 3 weeks ago.  I let it go.

Later, when were home and I was getting ready for bed; he was outside........... smoking again.

I asked him if he had bought a pack.  He laughed it off but didn't answer.  I asked him if he had been smoking while he was out of town for work.  He said yes.  I asked him why he would lie.  Again, he makes light of the situation and then says he didn't want to admit to it in front of M.

So it is better for her to have a dad who lies and smokes?  (side note: M hates that her dad smokes, she asks him all the time to quit.  She was very proud of him when he said he had)

He is still smiling and laughing like this is some kind of joke.  I explained that it was NOT ok.
When he got into bed, he said he was sorry and he would throw the rest of the pack out.  But its not about the smoking.  It's the lying.

Because if he is going to lie about this, what else has he continued to lie about?
Again........................2 steps forward, 6 steps back.

Barely Broken

I only took one psych class, but it doesn't sound much like an official diagnosis.

It does however, sound more promising than either of us had hoped for.

The counselor said he had never met a couple as civil as we are.  We are 90/10; 90% good & 10% messed up.  Not that that 10% isn't very important, but couples where we are do not usually seek help or mention the D word.

When the 10% is a lack of an emotional connection, then there are days when it feels like 90% . We have another apt next week.

We went for dinner afterwards to talk.  I am not to ask him for sex anymore because I make him feel "obligated".  I know this sound horrible, but I have to tell you that getting him to talk to me about this shit is so rare, I feel it is progress.  Not that it did't hurt, it did.  It still does.  He did tell me that I am beautiful and very sexy; he just doesn't see me that way.

Is that like "I love you but I am not in love with you."?

"You are desirable, I just don't find you desirable."

Very similar............

He left for vacation a week ago Friday.  I have spoken to him twice during that time and both were very short conversations.  He has text me about as often.  And I know I told him not to worry about calling me every night to check in, but a little more communication would be nice.

This past Wednesday, I took the girls on a 6 hour road trip to visit a friend.  The trip has been fun and we are on the "no plan" plan so it has been very laid bad.  

There have been down times when I want to text or call him to tell him I  miss him.  But I don't.  I tell myself if he really cared or thought about me, he would be calling or texting me.  I would just be bothering him.

He flies home today and we won't be back until tomorrow afternoon.  I wish he missed me.  I wish he had wanted me to go with him.  But I cannot make him feel anything and he appears content to remain that way.

Purgatory

After our long talk the other night, he left to go out of town for 2 days.  He has been back since Thursday but things for me have been awkward.  I do not think he notices but maybe.  I told him long ago that I would never use the "D" word (divorce) as a threat.  If I said it, it would be because I had come to a point where I was finished.  I know he didn't use this word.  But he said we were over.  He went on to talk about where to go, what to do next.  A part of me died...... another part.

We have an apt set for next Wednesday to see his counselor.  Every day closer brings only more anxiety.  I am starting to believe none of this has to do with PTSD.  He has told me for some time that he cannot feel about me as he once did.  That things in our past are just too much for him to move beyond.  I have a hard time understanding this.  He asked me to forgive him for sleeping with his secretary.  It has taken some time, but I have.  Why can he not forgive me?   I have tolerated his behavior because I have allowed myself to believe I deserve this. My counselor tells me that no one deserves this.

I think he is right.  I think I have been right............... I am simply not what he wants.  I cannot make him love me........not the way a husband should love his wife.  I have this awful feeling that Wednesday will be the end.  I feel like I am awaiting a trial..........one where if found guilty, the penalty is the death of my marriage.

Over

After being rejected last night, we really didn't speak any more.  I pretended to watch TV and he was on his laptop.  Around 9:30, I decided it was bed time.  I kissed M and hugged her.  Her dad had already gone outside to smoke.
I brushed my teeth and washed my face.  As I started to turn out the light, I reminded myself that it is never a good idea to go to bed mad.  I walked outside, kissed him on his forehead and told him I loved him.
But when I got back to the room, I was still mad.  I put my sweats back on and walked back outside again.
Sitting next him, I asked, "Why".

This one word sparked a 2 hour conversation, more painful and more honest than I think we have ever had in 13 years of marriage.  But it spiraled so far in the wrong direction that at one point he told me it was over. We were over.  He started asking me how we were going to tell M.  What we were going to do about her and my grandmother (who lives with us).  I just kept saying I didn't know.  I cried so hard that at times I couldn't find my voice.

There were lulls in the conversation when neither of us would say anything.  He started to open up about his meeting with the counselor.  He told me a lot of things I did't want to hear.  Things that hurt.  Much of what was said I could not begin to recant, as my state of mind at the time was anything but clear.  I just kept hearing the word "over".

When I decided the conversation was more than I could handle, I asked him one last time before I got up to go inside, "Are you sure this is what you want?"
He paused and then replied that he would like for both of us to go see his counselor.
When I agreed, he told me that he does still love me.  He referred to me as his best friend and started telling me everything he still loved and respected about me.  He even told me that I was beautiful and had a "smokin hot body".  Which made me laugh.  I have wanted to hear these words from him for so long.

I am cautiously hopeful about this meeting.  But he has already said it once.  And after that one time, it comes much more easily.  And he could decide at any time that we are "Over."

I hate this word.
At work, "no" is where negotiation begins.
At home, it's where everything ends.

Earlier this evening, he wanted me to give up my seat on the couch.  I was sitting on his side.  I got up but then he made some crack about always getting his way.  I smiled broadly, took a sip of my wine and sat back down.

"But you always say, if its funny, then its ok."
"Yes, but I never said there wouldn't be consequences."

Again, I am smiling.  He feigns hurt feelings but resigns himself to other side of the couch.  For a few moments he complains.  I offer terms........... our daughter is watching TV with us so I txt him:

"I get sex.....you get your side back."

He smiles but says nothing.

"Tonight"

This time he shakes his head "no".

My heart sinks.  This is no longer light hearted fun, now its just painful.

I text again "Why?"

He won't look at me but speaks, "This is not a conversation we can have now."

I look over at our daughter who is oblivious.  He is right............ but it doesn't make me feel any better.
The answer is still "no".  The reason doesn't fucking matter.

Choices

"So you can stay and accept him for who he is.  Or... You can leave."
The kleenex in my hand is completely damp and marked with mascara.  The tears continue to fall as I carefully fold, unfold and refold the tissue.  I cannot look at her and the silence in the room is almost deafening.

"I'm not ready to make that decision."
"Then don't."

I gently lay the tissue next to me on the couch and pull another.  I still cannot look at her.  I dab my eyes but cannot make the tears stop and am afraid if I open my mouth the speak, the sobs I am so desperately trying to hold back, will overwhelm me.

"Can you learn to accept him as he is?  Do you think you should have to?"

This hurts.  I suddenly to not want to be in this place.  I do not want to talk about this anymore.  I place another tissue next to me on the couch and realize there are many more than I recall placing there.  Yet the tears do not stop.  I take a deep breath and reach for another.

"Maybe I should change what I consider to be 'affection'."
"I was just going to suggest that."

Can I do this?  Should I have to?

"I think................I think widows get closure.  For those of us............ whose husband's come back..... we don't get that.  We don't morn like we should.  The man I loved.............the man who loved me....... he never came back."

I pause to keep from breaking down.

"You need to grieve and I don't think you ever have.  Even now, you can't fully let go."

I look down at the growing pile of tissues next to me and cannot imagine the pain a choice like this could cause.  The damage it could do.

"You're Killing Me"

"I'm not killing you."
Really?  So this distance bullshit is all in my head.  The fact that you won't touch me, is purely my imagination.
"I'm sorry."
Yeah, you've said that.
I am so starved for affection.
So wanton.
So unsatisfied.
And you do not even notice.
I am invisible.
I am less than.............
Less.............than.........
Just less.
Less than notable.
Less than a wife.
Less than a lover.
Less than a friend.
Less than.......... less than.
Why can I not make you see?
Make you notice me?
Make you want me?
Make me worthy?
Why can I not............
Not.....
You are killing me.
Killing me softly.
Killing my self worth.
My soul.
Breaking my heart.
Killing what I worked so hard to become.
Killing me.
Killing us.

Hopelessness

Sometimes I refrain from writing because things are good..........others, well..........I prefer not to be negative all the time.  Last weekend was good.  This weekend has been shitty.  I can feel him trying but its......... it feels less than genuine.  There were times before when I was impressed by the things he did, going so far out of his way..........only to find out later what he was really doing.
I feel like that today.
Today..........today, I feel hopeless.  I feel that I am never going to be what he wants.  I will never be the ones he really loves.  Today, I feel my world crashing in.  Today hurts.
And as the tears slowly descend my cheeks, hopelessness devours what is left of my heart.
I have doubled my antidepressants and today I have taken 3 anti-anxiety pills.  I cannot imagine how much worse this would be if I had to face it without anything.
Today is a "feel sorry for my self day".
Not a proud moment.
Maybe I will be better tomorrow.

Anger, Anxiety & Meds

The other day my supervisor pissed me off to the point that I wanted to choke her out.  Just squeeze her tubby little head until her eyes popped.  And I'm not even the one with PSTD!

On my way home I stopped by the drug store with the script I got more than a week ago just to ask how much of the $250 was covered by my insurance.  $33 is my cost?  You don't say?  Fill it!
I hate the way anti depressants make me feel for at least the first 2 weeks.  Nauseous, tired and like a zombie.  But no tears or fits of psychotic rage.  So now, I am on both anti anxiety and anti depressants.  Maybe this is long overdue.
.
W has been out of town all week.  Today I get an email announcing that he is going to see his dad for a week at the end of Aug.  Really?  I thought we were both going, now its just him?  I never see him and now he is vacationing without me.
We had a little chat when he got home.  He suddenly recalled the conversation where I had been included in that trip.  He apologized.  Somewhere in there, it became a camping trip for just him and his dad and he just forgot about me.  Love my meds......... because I got over it.
We are going on a little road trip this weekend.  Just waiting on him to get his stuff ready.
Its really about shit for his car, but I am excited to be included.
Hopefully it is a good thing.
And he has his first apt with the counselor next week.

My Bullshit Thought Process

I met with my counselor again on Monday.  I am now only seeing her once every two weeks.  This is not because I have made so much progress but because I am trying to space out my limited number of visits, just in case I am not approved for additional ones.

She has me focusing on changing my thought process; the one that leads to anxiety and self-defeating attitude.  First, I had to identify the automatic thoughts I am prone to:

Assuming:
He won't have sex with me
A) He is having sex with someone else
B) He does not love me
C) I am old and unattractive (difficult for me to even admit I think this way)

Shoulds:
I should be a perfect wife
I should make his life easier
I should not say stupid shit that makes him not love me

Labeling:
If I cry, I am showing weakness.
If I trust him, I am a naive moron.
If I stay, I am stupid.
If I leave, I am cruel and a quitter.

Catastrophizing:
He is mad at me and its all my fault and fucking world is ending!!!
(my personal favorite)

Making Feelings Facts:
I feel like shit, therefore I am shit.
I feel rejected, therefore I am not worth shit.



Core beliefs: influence my AT's (automatic thoughts)

• "I am worthless if I am not a bad ass at everything I do.  Good enough is never good enough."
• "I am inadequate as a wife."
• "Worrying insures that I'll be prepared to face and solve problems.  SO the more I worry, the better.  This helps me to prevent future mistakes and problems and give me extra control."
• "My worth is dictated by his rejection or acceptance of me."

Knowing all of this about myself doesn't really help my self esteem issue, but it's a start.  I can't fix it if I don't know what it is.

He asked me the to call the Not Alone people and see if they would get him set up to see someone.   I was surprised.  Hopeful.  Apprehensive.

(Taken from The Self-Esteem Workbook)

Depression

I am not entirely sure where this shit is coming from but it has definitely made a much unwelcome reappearance in my life.

I have been working a lot, many upcoming deadlines.  I was excited about being able to take the 4th off; a middle of the week break.  The 4th has not been a real holiday for us in many years, but I had asked him what he wanted to do.  It was decided that we would spend the entire day lounging around the house, drinking, eating and losing ourselves in movies.

Fire works began last Sunday and I could feel his tension.  Then he left town for work until Tuesday night.  While he was gone, I had my anti-anxiety script refilled (something I haven't taken in 3 years.  Thought maybe it would help one or both of us.  When he got home Tuesday night, he told me that he would be working all day on the 4th.  I was disappointed but tried to make myself ok with it.

I cleaned some, worked a few hours on projects for my work.  Called my daughter and asked if she and her husband wanted to come for dinner, then spent the rest of the day cooking.   That evening went ok.  I went to bed around 10 because I had to be at work really early the next day.

Thursday was unremarkable.  M is out of town seeing family so it is really just he and I.  We get home around 7-730.  Watch some TV, have a drink and talk a little.  He asks me if I am taking anything.  He knows about he anti-anxiety stuff so I am not sure why he is asking.  He says its not that, I am way too quiet and not myself.  I smile and say that it must be nice since he says I talk to much anyway.

Yesterday I had a horrible day at work.  I was so far from my usual jovial self (yes, I am jovial at work, even if I am faking it most of the time).  But not yesterday.  More than once I found it difficult to not cry.  And I do not even know what is wrong.

I left around 4:30 (which is early for me) and came home and went to bed.  He called around 745 and said he would pick up dinner.  When he got home, he told me that nothing sounded good for dinner but he did get a bottle of wine.  Then he immediately got on the phone with someone from work.  The call lasted almost 2 hours.  When he finally got off, he apologized and said we should watch a show.  That lasted less than 20 min when a buddy of his called and said he was in our driveway and wanted some help with his car.  The show was paused and after waiting more than a half hour, I turned it off and went to bed.

This morning he gets up and immediately starts working.  I ask him how long he will be working today and he responds that he should only have to go in for an hour........ but he has some other work to do before he can leave.

I ask him for a better balance of work and home.  He says he will try but I know that look.  I try to politely explain that last night sucked and he just started blankly at me, whispering "Last night?"  I detail it out for him.  He says he is sorry.

The first thought when I awoke this morning was "Oh, I know what this is.  Welcome back, old friend.......... has been awhile."   We are old friends, depression and I.   He comes and goes usually only staying a short time.  But this, this time he pulled up a Penske truck and plans to take up residents for awhile.  And me, I do not have what it takes to deny him.  So I wrap myself up in his darkness like a down comforter and make myself at home.

Only now,  I have to do all of this and not show W.  He already sees me as weak.  This would just drive him further away.  But who do you go to for comfort when the one you need the most, needs you to just be strong enough to not need anyone.

Doing it again..........

I've been awake since 5am.  I hate not being able to sleep.  He left to go out of town last night.  This time it was to hang with friends.  He did call me this morning.  Apologized for not calling last night.  Said he was going to shower, eat breakfast and then call me when he was on his way back.

I have this overwhelmingly bad feeling.  I tried to make it go away, but nothing is working.  I looked up activity on his phone.  Strange that here are no calls to the area code where he said he was going.  If I was going to see my friend in another state, I would call a few times.

I called the phone company and told them that I lost his phone and asked them if they could locate it if the GPS was on.  They tried but said it would have had to be have been set up with them previously in order to do that.

 So I tried to call him back but he didn't answer.  Just keeps getting worse.

My counselor asked me if it was want or need that kept me in this marriage.  I tired to think clearly about it and answered "want".  But she disagreed.  I have thought a lot about that this week.  I think she is right.  Me, who has prided myself for so long on never needing anything.................... am so needy.

I need to move past this.  Move past this person I have become.  Move past needing him.  The only thing I really need is to become a better person.  To love and forgive myself.  To be there for my girls.  And right now, I really need more sleep.  But I do not need him.  Do not need to know where he is or what he is doing.

"I'm afraid it will be the end.......... the end of us"

I stare at him, trying to take in his words.
Its dark and the night air is warm; his face a silhouette against the neighbors obnoxious flood lights.
Hesitantly, I start "Afraid they will say......... we........."
"They will tell us we are too fucked up to be together."
I do not respond.  It has become difficult to breath.  I am so grateful the night hides the tears that I have now have no control over.  But my voice, my voice will betray me as soon as I open my mouth.

This is why he has changed his mind about seeing a counselor.

After taking time to reflect on last nights conversation (as directed by my counselor), I believe this may not be completely bad news.  If he is afraid we will be advised against staying together, then maybe he does care..................If he still cares, maybe we still have a chance.

I have had four counseling sessions.  Yesterdays being the longest and most difficult.

She gave me many things to work on and made it clear that even if he decides not to attend, there are so many things I can work on to help the situation.

1. I need to forgive myself

2. No more telling myself "it does not matter", as it only serves to diminish my worth.  It does matter.

3. It does not, however, matter at 3am and if this is when I have an anxiety attack, I will write down the issue and address it when I am well rested and he is not sound asleep

4. I need to commit to addressing the issue even if after a good nights sleep, I feel it does not matter

I hate that at my age, I need reminders to not be a freaking girl.  I love that she does not make me feel like an idiot for being a freaking girl.

"What can I do to make this better?"

Friday
He came home and announced that he had some very good news for me.  So good in fact, that I would probably want to jump up and down.  I stared at him, waiting for him to share this amazing news.  When he paused just a little too long.............. I kind of figured it out.
I asked him how much longer he intended on keeping me in suspense.
"She turned in her two weeks notice."
I smiled but not too much.  I agreed that was good news.  I did not share that it was 2 years over due but I also was far from jumping with joy.
It is a relief but it does little to repair the damage already done.

Saturday
I got up early, showered, shaved and did all those careful grooming things girls do to get noticed.  Then I covered myself in coconut lotion.  I got back in bed with him and asked for exactly what I wanted.  I was rejected, of course.  He had his reason but the hurt is the same.  Instead, he promises to make it up to me that night.  I ask him what the consequences are if he backs out.  He tells me I can cut off his balls if he does.  We both laugh.  Surely, he wouldn't say that and then back out.
But we have company for dinner and not even half way through he becomes extremely antisocial.  When I ask him what is wrong, he replies he has a headache.  We are not even in bed and he is already setting up his excuse.  When we do finally go to bed, he lies on his side, back to me and is silent.  When I tell him good night, I barely get a grunt in response.

Sunday
He has decided that he should go out of town late tonight rather than getting up early and driving (again, for work).  I do not approve but say nothing.  He makes it clear that he will be leaving at 7pm.  I plan dinner around that time.  And at 6:30, he begins to get ready.  I lay on the couch and pretend I do not care.
Eventually, he comes in and turns the light on.  He is in a very good mood.
"See what I am taking with me?"
He shows me a flask with and EGA and his name engraved.
"Its the one you had engraved for me."  He holds it all proud and smiling.
I turn back towards the TV, which is not even on.
"That's not the one I got you.  The one I got you had your graduation date from boot on it."
I glance back at him and he is looking at the front of the flask.
"Then where did this one come from?"
"I believe it was a gift for being in Michael's wedding last year."
He is still frowning.
"I thought this was the one you gave me."
I am not only irritated by him trying too hard, I am also hurt that he cannot remember a gift I gave him.
"That is really nicer than the one I gave you."
The conversation fades out and he leaves to continue packing.
When he returns, he sits on the ottoman in front of me and takes my hand.
"Is something wrong?"  I try not to look at him when I speak.
"No, but I can tell from the look on your face that you are not ok."
"I would rather you not go down tonight but I know this is your work and it's just how it is."
"What can I do to make this better?"
I am surprised not only at this question but at the sincerity in his voice as well as the look in his eyes.
"You can stop making excused when I ask you for sex."
"Those weren't excuses............."
He goes on but I cut him off.
"Those excuses have been the only thing you have been consistent about for the past couple of years.  Regardless of how legitimate you feel they are, it all feels like rejection to me."
He starts to say something and then pauses.
"I'm sorry."
He holds my hand in both of his and presses it to his lips.
"What else can I do?"
"Nothing."
He looks at me and then leans in to kiss me as he wraps both arms around me.
As he pulls back............
"There is one more thing.  You can go to counseling with me."
"I can do that."
The next 30 minutes we discuss the fact that I have been seeing a counselor.  He is surprised but not upset.  I explain that it is through the Not Alone organization and that even though it has only been twice, I feel pretty good about it.  He doesn't even have to see the same person.  He can begin by going to her husband and then we can work up to having sessions together.  He is not only accepting to this arrangement, he seems genuinely excited about the idea.
This is good but I am understandably apprehensive, as I know his state of mind changes quickly........ without reason and without warning.
I will see my counselor tomorrow.  I am hoping the Not Alone people  make it easier to get him into counseling than the VA did.

I Hope He Doesn't Notice

The TV is loud, but I can hear his voice over the dialog on the screen.  I feel annoyed, he is supposed to be watching this with me............not outside smoking and talking on his phone.  He already said that he has to stay up late and work afterwards........... and go out of town tomorrow.  Annoyance is turning into "pissed off".  I pause the movie and get up.

I try unsuccessfully to quietly open the back door.  It sticks and I pull too hard to get it open.  Instead of slowing opening, the door pops open and clips my big toe.
"Fuck!"  But my outburst is barely audible over the sound of the door.
He turns and looks up from his phone, which he holds as if he is texting or playing a game.
I take a deep breath and remind myself that I do not care what he is doing.
"Who were you talking to?"  I try to sound casual.
It is dark and I can see only the outline of his face from the light of his cell phone screen.
"I'm not talking to anyone."
I do not believe him.
"Oh.  Thought I heard you."
He takes a drag off his cigarette.
"Would you like to see my phone log?"
He exhales his answer and offers his phone in my direction.
"Nope."
"Are you sure."
I laugh it off as completely unnecessary.
"You almost done?"
I do not let him finish talking before I have shut the door.

As I sit back on the couch, I tell myself again, I do not care.  It doesn't matter.
I start the movie back up and take a deep breath.
The back door opens and he comes back inside.  I do not look his way.
He crosses the room and sits next to me.  I do not look at him but pretend to be focused on the TV.  Inside my head, I am trying to convince myself that it DOES NOT MATTER.
He pauses the movie.
"Was M watching something upstairs?"
I look at him trying to comprehend where he is going with this.
"I don't think so."
"I was just thinking, maybe you heard her watching something on her laptop."
"I don't know.  Maybe."
The TV remains paused and I stare at it hoping that he will just drop it and hit play.
The seconds stretch to minutes and neither of us speak.
Finally, I give in.
"Are we waiting for something?"
"I just wanted to see if I could hear something too."
I do not respond.
"What did you hear me say?"
"If you weren't on the phone, I didn't hear you say anything.  Must have been something else."
To my relief, he finally drops it and hits play.

Afterwards, I get up and get ready for bed as he heads back outside to smoke.  Even though every fiber of my being screams "fuck him!", I head outside to kiss him and tell him good night.
"I'm going to bed too."
"You don't have to work?"
"I can do it tomorrow.  But I did get tickets for the play off game, so instead of coming back tomorrow, we (him and his boss) will stay and catch the game."
I do not respond.
"But we will come back Friday morning."
He his happy and genuinely excited about being offered these tickets which are extremely expensive.
"That will be cool"
The words are hallow but I hope he doesn't notice.

Two sessions into this Not Alone shit and I feel very much alone.  

Not Alone

My initial visit with a Not Alone provider was a week ago Friday.  It did not got well.  It was set for noon but then I had a meeting to attend so I changed it to 2pm.  I knew the address was close to one of my buildings so I would just use it as an excuse for site visit.

Only, when I arrived, it was in the same building as the management company............ who serve as my contact for maintenance.  I know these people!  So now I'm worried that someone will see me entering or leaving the doctors office.  But I suck it up and go in anyway, figuring I can just make up some lie if anyone does see me.

When I get into the office, the secretary is gone.  I can clearly hear conversation in an adjacent room, so I have a seat and wait.  A small, older woman emerges from the room, frowns and asks if she can help me. I explain that I am there for an appointment and she hands me paperwork and goes back into the room.  First impression..............not good.

I fill out minimal info because it's requesting insurance and spousal information; neither of which is important according to my contact at Not Alone.  The hobbit comes back out with her patient, all chatty and seemingly in a much more jovial mood than she was with me.  I ignore them both and pretend to be interested in my paperwork.

When her patient leaves she tells me is going somewhere to get something and I nod as if I give a shit.  I stop her and ask just how much of the paperwork is really necessary.
"Well, you're active duty military.  Right?"
"No"
She looks confused.
"I think you have to be, to be considered for this."
"My husband was, but he is out."
"Then just put all his information.  I will need Tricare and......"  I interrupt her.
"This should all be handled by the Not Alone organization.  I do not need to provide you with any of my husband's info.  He doesn't even know I am here and I would like to keep it that way.  AND.... there is no Tricare info to provide."
"Now I'm confused." ... (Yeah, you look it)  "Is there some paperwork they provided you?  I will need that."
"No.  I have an email confirmation for the appointment."
"Well, that wont do.  Is there someone you can call?"
At this point I already have my phone out and am dialing.  She continues talking.
The lady at Not Alone is irritated as I try to explain that this doctor is a moron.  She is trying to come up with a solution and tell her that the situation is already uncomfortable and I would rather not be there.  She tells me to leave and she will find someone else.  She is very kind to me.  She is irritated with the idiot doctor.  I am out the door before I even get off of the phone.  The doctor is at the reception desk looking through papers and doesn't even notice me leaving............ or doesn't care.

I am half way back to my office when she calls to tell me that everything is OK.  She found my paperwork and we can just reschedule my apt.  I politely decline.

Not Alone did set me up with a new provider and I saw her yesterday.  I like her.  I cried almost the entire session.  Today I had an anxiety attack that lasted all day and I am completely emotionally drained.  But I am hopeful.

He is out of town again.  Was supposed to be back today but called me at work to tell me he was staying an extra day.  Did not make things any better.  But then he called me 7 times this evening and was all happy.  As hard as I try to see that as a good sign, I am still suspicious.  I wish I wasn't.   I only hope, counseling will help with that.

A Marine Corp Funeral

I stand swaying, trying to keep my footing as my heels dig into the soft earth.  The sun is unseasonable hot.  My black dress clings to me as my body begins to perspire.  I look down at my daughters small hand and reach to hold it.  She looks forward as the tears streak her cheeks.

I turn my head forward.  I can see the Marines at parade rest.  There must be 300 people, yet the only sound is  that of the birds.  I close my eyes and will myself not to cry.

"Breathe", I tell myself.  Slowly, I open my eyes again.  So many people.  So much pain.  We stand directly behind the funeral detail.  I know my husband is one of them, but I cannot tell which one.  My heart aches for him.  He is not allowed to grieve.  He must be strong.  I am grateful I have my sunglasses, they hide so much.  And as they call them to present the flag to SSgt Anderson's mom, the sobs begin again.  I am almost relieved I cannot see what is going on through all the mourners.

So many people.  So much grief and anguish.

I look down at my feet.  My heels are killing me and I feel like an ass for focusing on something so stupid.  I place my weight on the balls of feet as to keep my heels from digging any further into the ground.  I stand carefully between two headstone and begin to read the one just the the right.  Born 1892; Died 1975.  He had a long life; so much longer than Austin's 27 years.

I can hear in the distance someone yelling but all too late I realize what is happening.  The first shots ring out and startle me.  I release my daughter's hand and place mine to my lips to muffle a sob.  The second shots come too quickly for me to recover and I give in.  My body shakes and it becomes difficult to breathe.

I hold my head up.  Suddenly it feels disrespectful to be looking down.  Tears flowing freely down my cheeks.  The final shots are fired and through a small part in the crowd, I catch a glimpse of the casket.  It looks naked without the flag.  Another stupid thought.

The minister says something but it is inaudible.  Someone dismisses the Marines.  When they turn to one another I can see that everyone of them has been crying.  They hug and cry more.  I carefully step back from the crowd.  Carefully watching my husband.  I want to go to him, comfort him.  But this is not the time and I am not who he needs.  So I watch and wait until he comes to me........................


It was a very beautiful service.  The girl Austin pulled from the plane, her father spoke.  I know that she has a long recovery, but I am so grateful she survived.  It was as if Austin's purpose in life was to save her.  He struggled to keep his composure as he talked about Austin; about Hannah and their friendship.   I have thought a lot about the life he lived, so full of purpose and drive.  He knew the life he wanted, the man he wanted to be.  And he lived that way.  He died that way.  And I hope that when I die, I have had even half the impact that SSgt Austin Anderson had on those that knew him.

Semper Fi  

SSgt Austin Anderson

Austin served in Iraq with my husband.  When he deployed the second time, Austin was my youngest daughter's date to the Marine Corp Ball (she was just 8 years old).  He tortured my older daughter's guy friends, assuring they were all appropriately intimidated.  He could make everyone laugh till they cried and their sides hurt. He had a smile that was infectious.  He did not drink, smoke or cuss.  He attended church regularly.  Even after two tours in Iraq, he did not let his demons rule his life.  He lived for others.  He was beautiful on the inside and out.

This past Friday night, he was in a plane crash with 4 other friends.  Three of them perished in the crash.  Austin pulled a 22 year old girl from the crash and went for help.  He was burned over 90% of his body.  He died early Saturday morning.  The girl he saved is in serious condition but they are hopeful.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/14/hannah-luce-kansas-plane-crash_n_1516176.html

This news has been difficult for all of his Marine family.  I cannot image how it is for his family and fiance.  He was a good Marine but when he came home, he continued to be a good man.  And not many can claim that.   The world was a better place because of him.  I hope that we are all better people for having known him.

My daughters cried when I told them.  This weekend was the first time in a long time I saw my husband cry.   And though I have tried several times not to, I have cried every day since the accident.  I think all of our guys would agree that there was not a better man among them.  I can only hope that losing him inspires them to be better, do better and to achieve something truly great. I know it has me.

We will not be discouraged by your death, but motivated by the life you lived

                                                    

Probably Not

As my new job becomes more and more demanding of my time, I find myself entirely too preoccupied to fret over personal issues.......most days.  This is good, considering this week will mark the 2 year anniversary of the day I found out about his affair.

I don't want to think about that day.  Dont want to think about how long it went on............. that it might still be going on.

I have an apt with the Not Alone shrink on Friday.  I will spend my lunch hour pouring out my heart (or trying to). Trying not to cry, because I cant fuck up my makeup if I have to go back to work.  I want the help.  But I really do not want to tell someone all my problems.

I am alone again tonight.  He went out of town for work today and text me to let me know he would stay overnight.  Really?  A text?  I ignored it.  I didn't have a response anyway.  Later he called me and said he just wanted to tell me he loved me AND, did I get his text about staying out of town?  I told him I had been busy.  Which is very true.  Right now I am fighting the urge to check out his tolls online and verify he really left.  But that's so stupid.  He could have someone there he is seeing.

FUCK ME!

I really need to move past this shit.  But I am alone tonight and have way too much free time.  And this is when my mind wonders.  I wonder how bad it is that I need a vacation less than 2 month into my new job.  Maybe it is my marriage and not my job I need a vacation from.  Maybe it is the issues of my marriage.  Nope.  I need a vacation from my over active mind.

I am working with several contractors on a build out project for one of the floors in our building.  Today, I was speaking with Jason, my painter.  He was telling me that he is getting married this month.  He is super excited and glad he waited so long to find the right woman.  He told me how "cool" she is and how much he loves her.  Then he asks me if I am "happily married".

"Thirteen years."  I responded with a big fake-ass smile plastered on my face.
His smile broadened and he continues on and on and on.  I like him.  I like that he has someone he is so excited about.  I didn't like the conversation.  I wondered if he could tell I was lying............ or if he was even paying attention.

I haven't been to Cross Fit in a week because I have been so busy at work.  Today I finally have time and I just went home.  It is not even 8pm and I am contemplating an early bed time.  Maybe I can get up early and workout.  Probably not.

Not What I Expected

The visit with my friend went ok.  I guess I had expected her to be the same even though I'm not.  When we first  met, she had been married close to 15 years and was still insanely in love with him.  Deployment was beyond difficult for her.

The woman I hung out with, was not that same person.  She was angry, distant and almost indifferent to her marriage.  She didn't open up immediately but after I shared about my situation....... which was very difficult........... she began to talk about hers.

It was as if we were on two very different sides: me the insecure wife who wanted desperately to hang on to my marriage and her, accused (falsely) of having affairs and completely disinterested in her husbands needs.  She told me she cant stand for him to touch her and his insecurities do more to drive her away than his mood swings and bouts of "crazy".  She casually mentions that he brought up divorce and she told him, "Go ahead, but you better find somewhere else to go because I'm not fucking leaving."  I cannot even fathom saying something like that!  But I was impressed she could.

After awhile, I asked her if she thought they would make it.  She paused and then said, "Yea, we will just be that old couple that fights all the time."

I was not encouraged.  They had many years on us and this is what deployment did to them. But I have thought a lot about her situation; the differences and similarities to my own.  I think there is a lot I can learn from her.  Mainly, just how much I can drive him to hate me by being insecure.  It is not like I didn't know this already... but it is something else to hear it from one of my friends.  I felt like my husband had probably told his friends the same shit about me that she was saying about her husband............. shit, he may even be saying it to her!


And there I go again with the paranoid bullshit!

I got a call from Not Alone today.  They set me up with a counselor, my appointment is next Friday.  I am weary, as it is very difficult for me to talk about any of this with even my closest friends.  But I am hoping to find the awesome person I used to be.  I hope she is still there........somewhere.

Old Friends

During his first deployment, I was introduced to the Gunny's wife.  She was the KVC for our unit.  She became my rock.  She taught me everything there was to know about Family Readiness and every drill weekend, I drove 3 hours to her home and spent the weekend with her........ drinking and crying.  Her husband was deployed at the same time, though to a different country.  She did such a great job training me, the CO requested I take over when her husband later accepted an assignment in Germany for a year.

Our husbands' second deployments were a year a part and it was more difficult to really be there for one another.  I have not seen her since the day before my husband returned from his last deployment.  That was 3 years ago. A lot has happened since then........... I can not tell you how much I have missed her............ and needed her.  She is training for her job in a city much closer (only 1.5 hours from me).  I am driving down to see her tomorrow night, returning on Saturday morning.  I am so excited to see her......... but weary.

I am not the same person I was 3 years ago.  I do not want to just cry at her the entire time, but those tears are long over due.  And I hate crying.  Makes me feel weak.  I saw this kleenex commercial once, where they said "tears do not compromise my strength."  Good in theory, but they always make me feel vulnerable and that makes me feel weak.  There is even a part of me that is trying to invent reasons not to go.

I respect her.  I think she has always respected me.  I do not want that to change.   We have never spoken about changes in our spouses.  She does not know about his PTSD and TBI.  And because she has never said anything about her husband............. it is easy to assume he is fine.  Which is ridiculous...mine is anything but fine and I haven't told her.

Guess we will see........... if I make it down.   God, please grant me the strength to do this.  

What To Do?

This past week has been really difficult.  I have anxiety attacks daily.......... sometimes multiple times a day.  I keep feeling like something is very wrong; as anyone who has ever had one of these can attest. For some people, the symptoms are more along the lines of a heart attack, but mine have always felt like impending doom.

Last night I had a dream he was still involved with the other girl.  I have to admit, forgiveness has not been so easy and I think my anxiety attacks are directly related to this bullshit.  There are some definite doubts that he has ended things with her.  Which means this affair has spanned more than 2 years..............and Im the biggest fucking idiot in the world.  Yeah me!

I am trying to remain objective: so either I am right and my subconsciousness is refusing to allow me to overlook the obvious OR I am being a crazy, jealous, insecure girl and need to go back on my meds.  Could be both?

When we first got serious about dating, I used to ask myself "If he left, would I be ok?"  I asked that every day until my answer was an undisputed "No!"  Recently, I have started asking myself that same question again.  So far, the answer remains "no", but I do wonder how much longer I can do this.  And since I do not know what the fuck this is...........I don't even know how to measure my tolerance.
I hate this...........

On a more positive note.............. I mean the only positive note.  I do love my new job.  I can throw myself into it entirely and not focus at all marriage woes (at least from the hours of 7-5).  I have also started back to Cross Fit.  I can't believe I waited so long to go back.  I have missed it.  Will be nice not to have so many giggly parts to hide.  Unfortunately, I have cut out drinking as it interferes with my insane workouts.  And there are days when I could really use a drink................... or 6.

What we forget vs the shit we hang on to

We had a long list of shit to get done this weekend.  Yesterday, my husband starts the morning off by suggesting we watch a movie and then do stuff.   We accomplished nothing yesterday...... not that is necessarily a bad thing.  Then he took allergy meds last night and went to bed at 9.

I stayed up and and hung with M for a little while.  She inquired about an Easter baskets.  I brought out a bag full of candy......... she made me hide it for her.  She is 12 and way past believing in the Easter Bunny.  M brought up the one Easter when she cried because she couldn't find her basket and thought the bunny had forgotten about her.  I realized I never told her what really happened.

I was working weekend nights at the hospital and going to college during the week.  It was after W's first deployment, very shortly after in fact.  Before I left for my shift, I gave him very strict instructions,
"The girls baskets are in the closet.  All you have to do is to hide them after they go to bed.  This is very important!  I do not want to come home to tears and cries of 'the Easter Bunny forgot me'."

When I arrived home early the next morning, I was immediately met with sobs,
 "The Ea-ster Buh-Nay forgot about me!"
My head screams........ DAMNIT W!
But I got this, I can handle anything................ I hope.
"Did you check behind the couch?"
"Ya-es"
"The kitchen?"
"The Bunny always hides it behind the couch.  And he forgot!"
"No baby, he didn't forget.  We just have to look harder.  Did you check your room?"
"I did."
"How about you check again and I will see if that silly rabbit left it in my room by mistake."
She cries all the way to her room and I make a mad dash into my room, back to the closet and grab both baskets.  As I head out of my bedroom, I yell (in a hushed voice) at my husband, who is still in bed sleeping.  When I start down the hall, M emerges from her's.......... head down and still crying.  I have just enough time to duck into the laundry room, drop her Easter basket in the laundry basket on the dryer and throw the other basket in the bathroom and then exit the laundry room and start back down the hall towards her before she looks up.
"Was it not there?"
She is crying so hard she can do nothing more than shake her head.
"How about you check the laundry room and I go look in your sister's room?"
 I stand outside of S's room holding my breath.  When I peak down the hall, I see her holding her basket.
She is smiling through her tears.  I exhale and start back towards her.
"It was in here mommy.  But he always puts it behind the couch."
"I know baby.   But you know what, we never had kittens before............. and I bet that bunny had to find a new spot because he was afraid the kitties would get him."

We both laughed.  She told me that she had thought for the longest time that her dad had just hid it in the wrong spot.  I told her how pissed I had been at him, but it ended up being of my favorite stories.   I should remember to tell more of those and less of the others.

Easier Said than Done

I wish saying "I forgive you" was as magical and instantaneous as saying "Abra ca dabra"

We spent the the past weekend out of town; little romantic getaway.   It didn't start out so well.  I was tying to be all romantic and he says something stupid and hurts my feelings.  And then laughs it off.  Meanwhile, I get more and more upset.  My crazy girl shit kicks in and my thought process spirals seriously out of control.  He then says, "Don't let it ruin your weekend.  I'm not."
REALLY?  Of course NOT!  I'm the one who was mean.

So after spending way too much time in the bathroom getting ready  (really I was trying to pull my shit together and not cry), I sucked it up and got over it. We head out into the city.

Then his allergies act up so he takes a bunch of medication.  He goes from his usual antisocial self to not talking at all.  So we go to a museum (his idea, not mine.......... I let him choose all the activities), walk around, have a drink at a tavern, walk around some more, drink some more at another bar............ and we say maybe 10 words to one another.

By this time, I mention that things aren't going so well.  He either doesn't hear me or ignores me.  I try again and he says its the allergy meds.  He tries to make light of the situation.  It doesn't help.
We start talking about our youngest (at least we still have that in common).  We get into a fight.  (we also have that in common.)  He asks me why I always hold on to things.  Hello Pot!
This from someone that during our last big fight, brought up shit I did in 2003.

I told him I didn't want to fight with him.  His response surprised me.
"So what if we do?"
"I don't like fighting with you.  I hate when you are mad at me."
"And what if I am.  I will get over it. Shit, you should tell me to get over it.  Its not the end of the world."
"But it bothers me."
Long silence and then I begin again....
"You see that as weakness...............don't you?"
He nods his head in agreement.
"I can tell."

I reflect on this for awhile.  I know this to be true.  He did not marry a sniveling, insecure girl who starts and ends every sentence with "I'm sorry".  He married a confident, stunning, yet challenging & stubborn woman bitch.  I am not her. I have not been her for some time.
I need to find her.  I did step up my game after that.  The evening got better.  That night was A LOT better, as was the next morning.

He once told me that his counselor told him to fake it until it felt real (this was about his inability to feel anything).  I think it is time I do the same.  Until I again feel confident, beautiful & desired  (ie. the bad ass I used to be)............ I will fake it until I can make it real.

My new job is amazing and it is a great start to rebuilding so much of what I have lost.
He is working out of town the next three day.  But tonight, he sent me a text and asked me to call his hotel room.  We talked for an hour........ most of it laughing and joking (zero fights).  It was good.  I can do this.  We can do this.  And there is no magic fix for all we have broken.  But the magic is still there............ and some day it will be fixed.

Forgiveness... The other F word

I have been reading a book by Kristen Hannah called Home Front.  I cannot read it without crying...... ever.  No matter what chapter, there is something heart wrenchingly familiar throughout.  It is a pretty good representation of the effects of deployment, PDST and TBI on a family from the prospective of both the soldier and the spouse.

The book deals with a female helicopter pilot who has two girls and a lawyer husband.  None of which support her role in the Army.  She has marital issues before deploying and upon returning, injured, faces a so many more issue.  It sucks.  Parts of this could have been written about my family (less the bratty kids).  I find myself wishing I could get a do over.  Wishing I had been a different person.  A better person.  Not just during his deployment........ but before he even joined the Marines.  I wish I could go back and find that sweet, naive kid and stop myself from taking him for granted.  Stop myself from hurting him.  I dont know that I really would want to stop him from joining, but at least been more supportive in the beginning.
In the past couple of years I have thought about how much he has hurt me and how I wish he would make it easier to for me to forgive him.  But I have rarely thought about whether or not he has ever forgiven me............... well, thats not exactly true.  I guess I didn't really think he still even considered it.  Not after everything else.  But forgiveness, at least for us, is definitely two sided.
I know that after saying it outloud "I forgive you" it has made things feel differently for me.  It wasnt just words.  It was a mindset.  Granted, I still have times when I think about shit I shouldn't......when my mind goes to that dark place.  But it is easier to stop it now.
And I wonder............. is it the same for him?  Did he really forgive me?   Will he ever?

Bad, Better, Worse, Amazing, Horrible........... & Then the "F" Word

Again with the yo-yo.  So yesterday morning I called the hotel I thought W was staying at, no one by that name was registered.  In fairness, this was the name of the hotel he stayed at last time he traveled out of town, it wasn't as if he had just given me this info for this trip.  But then I tried his cell and no answer.  Texted him twice.  No  response.

At this point I resolve to suck it up, get ready for work and not think about it.
That lasted all of 20 min.  I called him again.  This time he answered (sounding all happy to hear from me) and I lost it.  I didn't mean to but everything came out wrong and accusatory.  Not good.  He got defensive and then we smoothed things over.

On my way home he called and wanted me to know how sorry he was and how he understands that he has been making things difficult for me and has been selfish.  He wanted me to know that he will start paying attention to all the things that matter to me.  I didn't know what to say.  I kept thanking him.  It was wonderful news.  I was so excited.  Couldn't believe it.

Last night things were great but I started feeling........... I don't know.  Maybe it's my inability to trust him or that the situation could be this amazing.  Just got this bad feeling that something was up.
When we went to bed, he fell asleep immediately while I lay there and fret.  I recall that he had promised me a copy of the hotel receipt but then never offered to let me see it.  So I got up and started snooping.  I am in no way proud of this.  I couldn't find his wallet and the hotel charge was not posted on his cc (I know that sometime it can take time) but still the sinking feeling got worse and worse.
I got his phone and started looking through his work emails.  (he still works with the girl he had an affair with 2 years ago).  What I found was not good.  I woke him up.  I asked him about it.  Things spiraled way out of control after that.

So this morning while I was getting ready for work, I made a decision.  It is not the one I would have thought I would make.  But based on our conversation last night and into early morning; I felt it was the best decision.  I woke him (yes, again) and whispered,

"I forgive you."

You see I listened to him rehash shit that I had done to hurt him several years ago and I realized it is our inability to let go of the pain we have caused one another that is killing us.  If I want to move past my pain from his affair, I have to forgive him and really let it go.  I can't keep waiting for things to be perfect for me to do this.  They never will be and I will keep contributing to the problem with my insecurity.

"I forgive you for everything before today; known & unknown.  And I promise not to check up on you and take you at your word.  And I will do this because I know you love me,  I have seen that in your behavior over the past couple of weeks.  And I know you do not want to hurt me."

I realize I may be wrong and I will have to face that if it presents itself.  But forgiveness does not make me stupid.  Constantly sabotaging my relation does.

He held me tight and kissed me.

"I forgive you too and I love you baby."

Of all the words we have shared, we have never once said these.  Never.

Work, work, work

He is out of town again, working.  I try really hard not to let it bother me but it doesn't always work.  Things started out pretty good.  This morning, he must have kissed me 10 times and told me he loved me... on his way out the door.  It was nice.
Later, while I was at work, he called me.  First time he has called me at this job so I didn't immediately recognize his voice.  He thought that was funny and even tried messing with me a little, but I caught on.
He told me he knew how busy I have been at work (sarcasm) but he want me to see about planning a weekend get away for the two of us.
Wait, maybe it wasn't really my husband that called????
I was surprised, but the good kind of surprised.  So I spent the remainder of the day looking into B&B's within a 300 mile radius.  Even got a little excited about all the possibilities.  Romantic weekend getaway..........oh, the possibilities!  I hope anyway.  Is never good to create ridiculous expectations.  Then you're just disappointed.
Sad when having sex with one's spouse is a ridiculous expectation.
He called me when I got off work to let me know he was working diligently so he wouldn't have to go back on Saturday to finish his project.  Which is even better news since we had had plans for St. Patrick's day but cancelled them after this came up.
So I keep busy with my Pampered Chef shit and making lime truffles for my co-workers and don't allow myself  to think about anything negative.
Then I get ready for bed and give him a call................... and no answer.  All the good and positive from the day down the crapper.  He did call me right back........ but in those few minutes, I was right back in that place. The bad place.  That place I have called home for so many years.  One I am afraid to leave because being there is bad enough but leaving and seeing how good things could be only to go back again............ that is torture.
When things suck, you know where you stand.  You know what to expect.  But when things are good............ it is uncharted territory.  You have no idea from one moment to the next what might happen to bring all that good crashing down.  And it will happen, there is just no telling when or what might cause it.
So tonight I sleep alone........... which I hate.  But I will remember to give it over to God.  It is not mine to fret over.  And let's face it, if fretting did any good at all............ I wouldn't have any problems.

Change

He sold his bike today, though I do not have an opinion on it either way.  He has always had bikes, even before the Corp and Iraq. He is relatively responsible on it.  He said he just wanted to pay off bills.  I hope this is a good sign but I really have no idea.

He has been fairly happy the past couple of months.....or is it just weeks.  I like when he is happy but there is a part of me that is suspicious.  I remember how happy he was when he was seeing someone else.  I really wish I didn't think like that.  We are still not having sex but he seems more affectionate.  Ok, he IS way more affectionate.  When he embraces me, I feel safe in his arms like I used to.  I feel loved.
......................

He just came in to see what I was doing.  He doesn't know that I blog.  If he asks, I tell him that Im reading.  He may know; he can be pretty observant when he wants to be.  But he is a fiercely private person so I am not sure how well it would go over (even if I do this anonymously).

He leaned over the bed, wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my chest.  He asked me when I would start my new job (a week from Monday) & what I would be doing my last week at my old job (probably spending time on Pinterest waiting for the phone to ring so I have something to do).

We are getting tile put down in our master bath.  He asked if I wanted him to help pull up the carpet tomorrow (I know, what moron contractor puts carpeting in a bathroom).   I told him I would.
He stands back up an looks at me.  I take my hand and put it on his "package".  I smile, yank my had back and say sorry as if it was an accident.  Then I quickly put it back, "No Im not.  You're my husband and that's mine.  I will touch it if I want."
His smile broadens.  "That's my waist."
And I'm an idiot.
I laugh it off.  "Thought you were a little taller than that."

Silly shit.  But it is good shit for us.

He has been working a lot lately.  I had a show today so it didn't bother me so much.  But he will probably have to go into work tomorrow.  I don't like that.  But I do want to give him credit for the changes he has made.  When I start my new job, I will only be 2 miles from his work.  We could carpool, have lunch together...... maybe.  Maybe then I wouldn't be so insecure about his working all time time.  I had being insecure.  He hasn't gone back to the VA, but something has changed him.  Is it too much to hope this change is for his family?  Dare I even say............... for us?

Relative

I hate when people say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder".  It's not.  Beauty, like most things, is relative.  If you take an average looking girl and put her next to some hideous, obese skank, she starts to look a lot better. But take that same girl and put her in a room with super models and she becomes invisible (if she's lucky) and an eye sore if she's not.
So, as I was watching The Vow last weekend and  alternating between "Awe, why can't my man be like that?" and "Channing's like a unicorn, looks good in pictures but we know that shit doesn't exist!"  I started to think that maybe love is also relative.

Many, many years ago, I had a boyfriend who I thought was wonderful.   And a good friend of mine was dating my boyfriend's best friend.  They fought all the time.  In fact, he used to beat the crap out of her and lock her in their apartment when he went anywhere just because he didn't trust her.  So what if my boyfriend hit me a few times (when I was pregnant) and called me names (I used to think my name was Slut, Cunt & Whore)....... he was sooooooo much better than her boyfriend.  That was, until she left him and got a new one.  And then, I suddenly started to see mine for the piece of shit he really was.

It is not that I compare my husband to characters in a movie or in romance novels (though some of that housewife porn is pretty good) or even other women's abuses spouses.  But maybe I should stop comparing him to the man he was before the Marines........ and Iraq............... and more Iraq.  Maybe I should just see him as the man he is.  Sounds so much easier than it really is.

Things have been better.  We have had sex three times this year.  Two of those in one night.  Maybe that is over-sharing.  But I am learning that there are many military spouses who are experiencing similar issues.  Besides, there are very few people reading this that know me..............OK......... there are very few people reading this.........period.

This morning he came up from behind me, hugged me and kissed my neck.  He smiled and told me he loved me.  That is progress.  I want to say, "that is more like the man I married".............. but he is not the man I married.  He is different.  He will never be the man I married.  Maybe I should stop worrying about who he is and start focusing on what I am supposed to be.  And that is where I get lost.

The Job

So last Friday I was driving to my new job and got a call from the job I really wanted.  The HR lady wanted to apologize for not getting back with me as soon as she had promised.  All I can think is........."No worries, rejection doesn't have a shelf life"................what I say, "Oh, that's OK.  I know you are busy."
"We have been working on notifying all the internal candidates that the position has been filled.  We need to have this done before we can make you a formal offer."
Wait...........WHA?
I don't respond.  She kept talking but I had already stopped listening.  I got the job?  THE JOB for THE COMPANY with THE PAY?  Really?
I cried on the way to the new job (the one I was now going to have to give notice to).  But it was OK, my eyeliner is water proof.  I was in shock.  I think I am still in shock.  This is the first time in at least 10 years that I have been excited about a job.

I just gave notice yesterday.  My boss had been in Hawaii and I couldn't really do anything until the new-new job had completed my back ground check and drug test.
My boss took it really well and he wants me to complete the 2 weeks.  I figured they would be pissed and tell me to get out.  He said that he didn't really know me but that he felt this was a difficult decision for me to make.  He even congratulated me on the new position.  He is a good man.  I really hope they get a good secretary.

So when I told W, he was genuinely excited for me............... it's way more money so of course he is.  But then last night he was talking about his day and casually mentions how his boss is excited about my new position and wanted W to tell me congratulations.  Wha?  "You talk about me at work?"
He smiles, "Of course I do.  I am so proud of you and so happy you finally got a job you wanted."  He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him.
Wow................ This week has been very good.  VERY GOOD.

Thank you God.  Thank you!

Alone.....all by myself

He is still out of town and not due back for at least another two hours.  My youngest is working on homework and I thought, fuck it........  might as well write some more about myself.  Seeing how I am so damn fascinating....... I really do need a sarcasm font for my blog.

I am in the second week of my new job.  Its not bad.  I am very glad its so much closer than my previous job.  I do not like being a secretary........... a secretary with 18 years experience and a bachelors degree or the fact that I took at 10k pay cut............but my plant was closing so a shit paying job is better than unemployment.  I had interviewed for another job but they were dragging their feet in making a decision.  It paid much better and was a perfect fit.  Even the company was a good one.  I called them today to find out if they ever made a decision.  They said it would be the end of this week.  It wasn't a feel good conversation.  Guess it's a good thing I took this job.

I really shouldn't complain.  I believe I can push for a better position once I have proven myself.  The people are nice.......... except a few of the women...........which I have never played well with.  Women are crazy.  The worst part is having to answer the phones.......... I hate phones.  Its bitch work.  Bitch work happens to be anything I don't want to do; like house work.  It has nothing to do with women......... just to clarify that for the feminatzis.

I have twitchy eye.  I've had it for almost a month its horrible.  Even now, its twitching.  Looked up causes and stress and fatigue are the top too.  Cant imagine where I could get stress or fatigue.  I think I will have a glass of wine and take some benadryl.  Then I will be too tired to say or do anything to piss anyone off.   Hopefully.

Yo - Yo

I worry that I only write about the bad things; as if that is all I ever experience.  And to not write about the good is to not be grateful.  That is not the case.  It is as if the good are fragile and must me carefully observed.  To spend too much time or pay them too much attention only results in twice as much bad.  That is silly of course.  But as much as I try to pretend I am not, I am human.  I am a girl........ which means I am, at times.... crazy.  Though I feel that I must point out, this girl is crazy because her boy is stupid.  That was mean.  But in my house, as long as it is funny........ it is not mean.  So laugh, dammit.

So things were going well.  One night my husband is working and asks me to stay up just a little longer with him until he is finished.  I think this is sweet that he wants me around (also knowing how important to me it is that we go to bed together).  I am exhausted and get up 3-4 hours earlier than him, but I consent.
He comes over after completing his work and sits with me unit the show I was watching is over and I get up to go to get ready for bed.  After washing my face and brushing my teeth, he is back on his computer again.  I ask him if he is coming to bed.  He is rude and suggests that the work he is doing is for both of us.

Now I am unhappy but figure I won't win, so I got to bed alone.  Approximately 10 minutes later I come out of the room and proceed to tell him (in my most diplomatic way) that I just stayed up an hour later for him because he asked me to and least he could do is come to bed as promised.  But somewhere in there, I lose it and everything I have held back since my last melt down pours out.  And he stares blankly at me like the crazy bitch he knows I have become.  And as I stand there sobbing and heart broken, he just says, "So you want me to come to bed now?"

That was the day before Valentines Day.  The next morning, exhausted and trying to function on less than 1 hours sleep (I can't sleep if we go to be bed pissed at one another.......... or rather I'm mad and confused at where we stand in our marriage).  He calls me on my way in to my new job and acts as though everything is OK.  I tried to apologize but he just blows everything off.  So, I suck it up and do the same.

By the time I get off work, I am feeling better and decide that I is my job to make V-Day good.  The evening was wonderful.  He cooked dinner.  I showed off some moves I learned in my Burlesque class............ he was very impressed.  It was AMAZING.  Like old times.  And I wanted to write about it.... in detail.  But, again.............. its a roller coaster ride.

Last he was getting ready to go out of town for work.  The last time he told me this, he was really spending the night with some girl.  I try to trust him but he has done so little to earn it.  He tells me that if I want, I can get up at 5am and drive him to his coworkers (he is riding out of town with him)... but this is up to me.  I am grateful that he understands how difficult it is for me and gives me this option...........as ridiculous as the option is....... I am grateful.  Then our youngest comes down to show off a new skirt I had just bought for her and things get weird.  At first I think his objections are just to give her a hard time.  He doesn't really seem mad.  I play along but then things go terribly wrong.  He is really pissed.  He accuses me of trying to make him the bad guy.  Wait?  What?  I thought when it came to what their daughters wore, dad's were supposed to be the bad guy.  He yelled at me.  He never yells.  Ever!  I feel like shit.  I tried to apologize but its not good enough.  I am so lost and don't understand how we got to this place.  I feel like Alice when she fell down the the rabbit hole.

So I apologize more and try to explain myself.  Pretty soon the sound of my voice is the only one I hear. He has stopped talking.  Stopped responding.  I ask if he will just forgive me and he says yes.  But he is still mad and I ask him why and he just says that I am the only one still talking.  I don't know what he wants me to do.  But I cant get past that fucking condescending look on his face.  I storm out and tell him that I am sleeping in the guest room and he can drive himself out of town...........or where ever it is that he is really going (I know, I know...........so shouldn't have said that).

After 1 hour and 2 Benadryl, I know I will not get any sleep if I do not go back down to our room and fix things.............I only waited that long because I had hoped he would come get me.............though I know better.  I turn the lamp on next to the bed and ask if he is awake.  He is and I rush through the apology, taking blame for everything (as always).  He asks me to turn off the lamp.

As I lay next to him and try to control the sobs, he asks me if it would be better if he just left.  I say no.
I wait some time and then ask him if he wants to leave.  He says no.  Wait a little longer and then ask him why.  He says it is because he loves me and our daughter.......... and my grandmother who lives with us.
And that is it.  After a period of silence, he falls asleep and I pray.

"Father, please take control of this life that is so fucked up.  Please take it away from me as I can do nothing productive with it.  Please do not allow me to keep trying to it take back and run it, as clearly I am not qualified to do so.  I am yours, Father.  Please find some purpose in my existence because I am not sure I have one any longer."

And today everything was back to being ok............except that he is still out of town until tomorrow and I am here fretting about it.  As if that have ever helped.

Support.....Where's Mine?

I'm trying to work this consultant thing..........selling stuff.  It is difficult because, well lets face it............I hate people.   Add to that, I have so thoroughly typecast home-based consultants, that I fear becoming the middle aged (which I am, almost), minivan driving (so NEVER going to happen), overweight (not the best shape but not a fatty) Jiffy Peanut Butter pushing, picket fence owning, superficial bitch.  Too much?
I love what I do, I just struggle with my own stereotype.  Stupid, I know.  But to go from field agent candidate for a government agency to peddling kitchen wares, well..........it is a struggle not to allow it to kick your ego in the proverbial balls.
So my loving, supportive husband tells me that............well he said that I was doing it all wrong and just told me to stop.  Another kick to the balls.  Why?  I beat myself up enough for both of us and maybe even a few others.  So I wonder if I had more confidence about it, he would be more supportive.  There are always two sides.  And I can hear some friends, "Are you fucking serious?  He should support you on everything!  Why do you tolerate this?"  And others, "He's a Marine, he wants you to be all in or don't bother.  If you are not going to give this venture your all, quit!"
I get it.  Meanwhile, my life revolves around supporting him...........making him feel loved....... supported.........asking about his day............giving a shit..........blah, blah, blah. And I can do without his support most days..........I am used it and try not to take it personally.  But when things are the most difficult, that is when I need it the most. Even when it's something as stupid as........... as stupid as a home based business that I can't even put my hole heart into.
And I thought writing would make me feel better.
Reality check.