Catching Up

This is the longest I have ever gone in silence.  Sometimes when I thought about writing, things were good and I didn't want to jinx it............but mostly things were just bad and I didn't want to talk about that either.
So here is a quick summary of the past couple of month:

Therapy was helping but then W stopped going, started finding excused he couldnt be there.  The last time I went alone because I didnt want to reschedule again.  W had flowers waiting for me when I got home.  He said he really was sorry.  I rescheduled one more time but as soon as I found out he was going to be out of town, I canceled the session.  I never said anything to him, he probably forgot anyway.

My grandmother had to have emergency surgery in Nov.  They did not expect her to survive.  She did, but I had to work from home for 3 week to take care of her.  Not that I minded at all.  I love her, Im glad I could be there for her.

Over this past summer I donated blood and found I had liver issues.  They spent months, testing and retesting.  Finally in Nov. they sent me to see a specialist.  I explained that I knew the treatment was expensive and sucked.............worked a lot like chemo.  So...........Im ready, lets get this shit started.
He looked at me like I was crazy.  He handed me a bunch of stuff to read, gave me websites to research and told me I had no clue what I was getting myself into.  He asked me to come back in 30
days.
In the meantime, my grandmother got better and we discovered she has cirrhosis.......no alcohol related just that she is so old.  I am still working my ass off to catch up with my job and get my grandmother's paperwork in order.  I have to go out of state to get her bank shit in order, only bank in the entire country that requires you to be present in order to gain online access.  I got her new will in order, and handed all the paperwork off to my brother to put in a safety deposit box.   Got to spend a few days with my best friend in the whole world.  Drove home the next day and 45 min into the drive I could barely stay awake.  Thought I had had plenty of sleep, so not sure what was going on, but I pulled over at a gas station, called W and let him know I was going to take a short nap and then head out.
The next day I was beyond sick.  I had Mono, laryngitis and strep.  Doctor said that happens when you work your body to exhaustion.  NICE!  Later I would make a joke about W leaving me alone instead of staying home to take care of me..................which he swears I meant.  Why is it that when I need him to read my mind he cant and when he suddenly develops the ability, he so far off.  I even apologized for it coming across like that (was a text, it happens).  He calls it bullshit (this from someone who never, ever cusses at me).  He says I left my sick grandma just so I could go spend time with my friend.  He called me Fucking Selfish.......so FUCKING SELFISH.  I knew I was getting ready to start my treatment and I knew my friend was sick, but I went anyway.
I was so hurt.  I let him talk until he walked away.
Later I would ask him again, do you really think I am selfish.  He said yes, sometimes.  But then again so I am.  I explained, as diplomatically as I could, that cussing at me was uncalled for and never ok.  It took him some time but he apologized.

My treatment:
Both my girls ask me what is involved.  When I told them I could lose my hair, I asked them if they would shave their heads.  They love me, but not that much.  When I told them that I have severe mood swings, they joked they would get me a wig for every mood.  My son-in-law noted that would be a lot of wigs.  I even found the silver lining.  I will lose weight!  I have at least 20 I didnt need anyway.  But through all of the joking, W never says anything.  One night when we were lying in bed, I confessed that I was really scared.  He responded by saying I was just freaking myself out by reading all that crap about it.
I am now barely into week 2 of 24 weeks of treatment.  So far it is has not been as has horrible as they described it.  But it hasnt been fun either.  I sleep a lot.  My joints hurt, I have no appetite, I am only washing my hair 1-2 times a week in fear of it falling out.  I have lost 12 lb but drink a lot of protein shakes and raw foods; figure if Im not eating much, I need to be feeding my body only good stuff.  I am not allowed caffeine, sugar or alcohol (I know, why bother going on, right).
Today, I started yoga but it was kind of a lazy girl's yoga.  I have turned in all my paperwork for short term disability.  After trying to work and take care of my grandmother for only 3 weeks, I knew there was no way I could work and take of myself and keep up with work for 24 weeks.
W has gotten a little better about support.  I do not know if he thinks Im going back to work or not.  It is a 40% cut in pay for me and I know it wont be easy, but no one is asking him to do it.  I imagine we will have this conversation come tomorrow or Monday.  Dont see that going well.
I do tell him what I need......when I need a hug or for him to hold me.  Mostly he complies, sometimes he is like "let me finish looking at blah blah blah on my cell".  He will usually ask me if I want some tea or water to drink.  And although he has yet to make dinner all by himself, he does help more than he used to.

Wake up Call
 A few month ago, I met a high level executive for a fortune 500 company on a flight back from training for my work.  He was chatty and polite. So I asked him about the culture in his company.  I love this question because I am always working to better ours, regardless of where I work.  It was a great conversation.  He added me to LinkIn and later invited me to lunch.  To me this was a very casual interview, networking.  I am stoked, not because I am looking for a new job but because every opportunity is exactly that, an opportunity....................and I do not overlook those.
Lunch went well.  He asked me a lot of questions about my leadership style and experiences.  He told me he was blown away.  Someone my age (he thought I was in my late 20's, which I corrected later) to have such a solid grasp of leadership, was truly amazing.  On and on he went on how impressive my resume was.  I was so on my game.
He asked if I wanted to grab a coffee and I agreed (it was very cold).  At Starbucks, he asked about how much time  had off (I was 2 days from beginning my treatment - not something I was going to share), so I told him I was off the rest of the year.  He asked me if I could go anywhere for vacation, where would I go.  I didn't hesitate, "Bora Bora".  He confided that he would like to go there.  So my naive ass gets all excited and wide eyed........asking him if he has ever seen the bungalows that sit in the lagoon.  I go on and on about how beautiful it is..............I do this, I am a very passionate person.....sometimes at really inappropriate times.  We can count this as one.
"So, you know I could take you there."
My heart falls into the pit of my stomach.
"Oh, but what would your wife say?"  It all I can think to say.
"Well, we would have to come up with a story.  What would your husband say?"
"The same thing your wife would say if she found out, Fuck No!"
Silence.
Then I ask, "What would it cost?"
"Excuse me?"
"Guys don't just offer to take girls to Bora Bora out of the goodness of their heart, there is always a price."
"The opportunity to spend more time with you.............and if it lead to more then, that would be ok too."
"E, I have been cheated on.  You do not want to be that guy.  He is selfish and the pain he causes can never be taken back.  Forgiveness only heals so much.  Don't do this to her.  I could never be that person."
"Hang-on and I can tell you....."  He reaches both his hands to my face.  I can feel the warmth from his hands before they even come in contact and pull back so quickly that I bump my head on window behind me.

"Well, that answers my question."
"You would never higher me, would you?"
"What?"
"I am too much of a distraction, you would never higher me."
 "No, you are very right about that.  Look N, if you really want my honest opinion on your career; you are not just beautiful, when people meet you what they first see is your perfect, exotic looks.  Those huge eyes and full lips of a model.  But you are the whole package, (he gestures to my body).  You are highly educated and well spoken.  When you interview, the person on the other side of the table is thinking one of two things; she could take my job or she would be a distraction.  I think you would be best suited for sales where that is exactly what you want your customers think about you.  Not admin or management where you are constantly working closely with a few individuals."
I have heard this before.  Still, it meant that everything he had said before was bullshit and an attempt to get me in bed.
I try to change the subject back to him to keep this from ending awkwardly.  I ask him to tell me about his wife.  They have one daughter, his wife doesn't work but he wishes she would, it causes a lot fights.  They have been married 22 years and haven't slept together in 2 years.  He is unhappy and doesnt even care how she feels anymore.  They are just roommates.  When he meets people like me (keep in mind, he has never done anything like this before, ever!) it makes him believe there is something better out there for him.
I put my sunglasses back on in an attempt to hide the tears that I know are coming.  I am no longer listening to a stranger.................this is my husband describing us.
I cried all the way home, telling myself I was upset this guy hit on me.  But I know the real truth and that hurts so much worse.






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