My Bullshit Thought Process

I met with my counselor again on Monday.  I am now only seeing her once every two weeks.  This is not because I have made so much progress but because I am trying to space out my limited number of visits, just in case I am not approved for additional ones.

She has me focusing on changing my thought process; the one that leads to anxiety and self-defeating attitude.  First, I had to identify the automatic thoughts I am prone to:

Assuming:
He won't have sex with me
A) He is having sex with someone else
B) He does not love me
C) I am old and unattractive (difficult for me to even admit I think this way)

Shoulds:
I should be a perfect wife
I should make his life easier
I should not say stupid shit that makes him not love me

Labeling:
If I cry, I am showing weakness.
If I trust him, I am a naive moron.
If I stay, I am stupid.
If I leave, I am cruel and a quitter.

Catastrophizing:
He is mad at me and its all my fault and fucking world is ending!!!
(my personal favorite)

Making Feelings Facts:
I feel like shit, therefore I am shit.
I feel rejected, therefore I am not worth shit.



Core beliefs: influence my AT's (automatic thoughts)

• "I am worthless if I am not a bad ass at everything I do.  Good enough is never good enough."
• "I am inadequate as a wife."
• "Worrying insures that I'll be prepared to face and solve problems.  SO the more I worry, the better.  This helps me to prevent future mistakes and problems and give me extra control."
• "My worth is dictated by his rejection or acceptance of me."

Knowing all of this about myself doesn't really help my self esteem issue, but it's a start.  I can't fix it if I don't know what it is.

He asked me the to call the Not Alone people and see if they would get him set up to see someone.   I was surprised.  Hopeful.  Apprehensive.

(Taken from The Self-Esteem Workbook)