"I'm afraid it will be the end.......... the end of us"

I stare at him, trying to take in his words.
Its dark and the night air is warm; his face a silhouette against the neighbors obnoxious flood lights.
Hesitantly, I start "Afraid they will say......... we........."
"They will tell us we are too fucked up to be together."
I do not respond.  It has become difficult to breath.  I am so grateful the night hides the tears that I have now have no control over.  But my voice, my voice will betray me as soon as I open my mouth.

This is why he has changed his mind about seeing a counselor.

After taking time to reflect on last nights conversation (as directed by my counselor), I believe this may not be completely bad news.  If he is afraid we will be advised against staying together, then maybe he does care..................If he still cares, maybe we still have a chance.

I have had four counseling sessions.  Yesterdays being the longest and most difficult.

She gave me many things to work on and made it clear that even if he decides not to attend, there are so many things I can work on to help the situation.

1. I need to forgive myself

2. No more telling myself "it does not matter", as it only serves to diminish my worth.  It does matter.

3. It does not, however, matter at 3am and if this is when I have an anxiety attack, I will write down the issue and address it when I am well rested and he is not sound asleep

4. I need to commit to addressing the issue even if after a good nights sleep, I feel it does not matter

I hate that at my age, I need reminders to not be a freaking girl.  I love that she does not make me feel like an idiot for being a freaking girl.