Doing it again..........

I've been awake since 5am.  I hate not being able to sleep.  He left to go out of town last night.  This time it was to hang with friends.  He did call me this morning.  Apologized for not calling last night.  Said he was going to shower, eat breakfast and then call me when he was on his way back.

I have this overwhelmingly bad feeling.  I tried to make it go away, but nothing is working.  I looked up activity on his phone.  Strange that here are no calls to the area code where he said he was going.  If I was going to see my friend in another state, I would call a few times.

I called the phone company and told them that I lost his phone and asked them if they could locate it if the GPS was on.  They tried but said it would have had to be have been set up with them previously in order to do that.

 So I tried to call him back but he didn't answer.  Just keeps getting worse.

My counselor asked me if it was want or need that kept me in this marriage.  I tired to think clearly about it and answered "want".  But she disagreed.  I have thought a lot about that this week.  I think she is right.  Me, who has prided myself for so long on never needing anything.................... am so needy.

I need to move past this.  Move past this person I have become.  Move past needing him.  The only thing I really need is to become a better person.  To love and forgive myself.  To be there for my girls.  And right now, I really need more sleep.  But I do not need him.  Do not need to know where he is or what he is doing.