Depression

I am not entirely sure where this shit is coming from but it has definitely made a much unwelcome reappearance in my life.

I have been working a lot, many upcoming deadlines.  I was excited about being able to take the 4th off; a middle of the week break.  The 4th has not been a real holiday for us in many years, but I had asked him what he wanted to do.  It was decided that we would spend the entire day lounging around the house, drinking, eating and losing ourselves in movies.

Fire works began last Sunday and I could feel his tension.  Then he left town for work until Tuesday night.  While he was gone, I had my anti-anxiety script refilled (something I haven't taken in 3 years.  Thought maybe it would help one or both of us.  When he got home Tuesday night, he told me that he would be working all day on the 4th.  I was disappointed but tried to make myself ok with it.

I cleaned some, worked a few hours on projects for my work.  Called my daughter and asked if she and her husband wanted to come for dinner, then spent the rest of the day cooking.   That evening went ok.  I went to bed around 10 because I had to be at work really early the next day.

Thursday was unremarkable.  M is out of town seeing family so it is really just he and I.  We get home around 7-730.  Watch some TV, have a drink and talk a little.  He asks me if I am taking anything.  He knows about he anti-anxiety stuff so I am not sure why he is asking.  He says its not that, I am way too quiet and not myself.  I smile and say that it must be nice since he says I talk to much anyway.

Yesterday I had a horrible day at work.  I was so far from my usual jovial self (yes, I am jovial at work, even if I am faking it most of the time).  But not yesterday.  More than once I found it difficult to not cry.  And I do not even know what is wrong.

I left around 4:30 (which is early for me) and came home and went to bed.  He called around 745 and said he would pick up dinner.  When he got home, he told me that nothing sounded good for dinner but he did get a bottle of wine.  Then he immediately got on the phone with someone from work.  The call lasted almost 2 hours.  When he finally got off, he apologized and said we should watch a show.  That lasted less than 20 min when a buddy of his called and said he was in our driveway and wanted some help with his car.  The show was paused and after waiting more than a half hour, I turned it off and went to bed.

This morning he gets up and immediately starts working.  I ask him how long he will be working today and he responds that he should only have to go in for an hour........ but he has some other work to do before he can leave.

I ask him for a better balance of work and home.  He says he will try but I know that look.  I try to politely explain that last night sucked and he just started blankly at me, whispering "Last night?"  I detail it out for him.  He says he is sorry.

The first thought when I awoke this morning was "Oh, I know what this is.  Welcome back, old friend.......... has been awhile."   We are old friends, depression and I.   He comes and goes usually only staying a short time.  But this, this time he pulled up a Penske truck and plans to take up residents for awhile.  And me, I do not have what it takes to deny him.  So I wrap myself up in his darkness like a down comforter and make myself at home.

Only now,  I have to do all of this and not show W.  He already sees me as weak.  This would just drive him further away.  But who do you go to for comfort when the one you need the most, needs you to just be strong enough to not need anyone.