All That Goes Unsaid

Have I ever mentioned that I love the smell of scotch tape or that sometimes I fall asleep praying for W...............or I have insomnia and I could pray for everyone I know and those they know......twice; and still not sleep?
Have I said that the real reason I stay with him is just as much an enigma to you as it is to me? 
Have I told you the last time he touched me............no, because I do not even know.

I read something the other day that said sometimes no matter how beautiful she is or attractive to others, if he simply cannot find it in his heart to love her, nothing else matters.  I think that is were we are.  He is kind.......mostly.  He makes me laugh.  He is a good dad.  I still get goose bumps and butterflies when he touches me, even if just by accented.  I still send him love texts, even when he doesn't return them.
I love him and I do what I can to show him.  Its in my kisses, as few as they may be.  Its in my touch,  no matter how casual.  Its in the words I tell him daily.

What I dont tell him.  What I have not told anyone.................. everyday that passes is one more that is more difficult for me to stay.  Sometimes I wish he would just leave so I didn't have to make that decision.  That the man I married would come home.  That he would love me the way I need to be loved, not the way he thinks is good enough.  That he wanted me and never let one moment pass without making me feel that way.  That none of this hurt anymore; that I was just numb. 
That I no longer cared.

I feel there are a lot of things in this life I can deal with, but rejection is not one of them.  W told our therapist he couldn't imagine things being different between us.  He was fine with the way things are.  He coulnt imagine changing who he was, even if he wanted to.  And he would be ok alone if that is the directions things went.

I know a great deal of this is caused by the meds I have to take right now.  But I feel like I am reliving every pain he ever caused me.  I want a ticket out of here.  I dont want to come back until my treatments are all finished.  And by the time I come back, I will be ok with dealing with making any decision that needs to be made.
I want to run away from home.  And I dont want anyone to notice.