Fear

The counselor stares at W.  I glance from one to the other.  W raises his eyebrows and shrugs.
"So you haven't noticed any changes in your behavior?"
Pushing out his lower lip, W shakes his head from side to side.
"No changes in your marraige.'
He shrugs and says, "I didn't think there was anything really wrong before."  W smiles, thinking he is funnier than he really is.
"How about changes in her."  He points in my direction.
"I guess she seems happier."
"Any you don't think you have had anything to do with that?  You need to give yourself more credit."

I start feeling like I am watching a tennis match. I am positioned on the couch so that with a slight turn of my head, I can W or our counselor.  My head starts spinning but its not from all the back and forth.  No, this is from his complete lack of observation.  Is is really setting here claiming he hasn't noticed any differences?  I know I have seen them.  Haven't I?  It can't all be the meds I have put myself on..........meds I have increased when I can't handle certain situations.  Meds that have my youngest daughter saying, "I like medicated mom!"

So is it really better?  I think so.  It feels better.  Most days anyway.  These past two have sucked.  He has been really irritable.  I am trying to leave him alone and do my own thing.  Being around him when he is like this causes me serious anxiety and I break out in hives.

The counselor asked us how things were.  Then he asked what we needed for things to be great.  W didn't have an answer.  I changed my answer.  Explaining that things have been better than just good.  But the better they get, the more I fear they will go back to how they were.  Like the other day, he was out of town for work and didn't call me when he said he would. It still doesn't take much for my thoughts to run a muck.

I know that I have so little left when I comes to my broken heart.  I cannot take another lie..........affair.........heartache.  And the better things get, the further I have to fall when it happens again.  I just want to embrace the happiness............but............I am so afraid.

So I pray and I remind myself, I may not be strong enough to do this any more........... but there is someone who is and through Him..............all things are possible.  Facing what scares the shit out me, facing my fear...........I can do this.