Choices

"So you can stay and accept him for who he is.  Or... You can leave."
The kleenex in my hand is completely damp and marked with mascara.  The tears continue to fall as I carefully fold, unfold and refold the tissue.  I cannot look at her and the silence in the room is almost deafening.

"I'm not ready to make that decision."
"Then don't."

I gently lay the tissue next to me on the couch and pull another.  I still cannot look at her.  I dab my eyes but cannot make the tears stop and am afraid if I open my mouth the speak, the sobs I am so desperately trying to hold back, will overwhelm me.

"Can you learn to accept him as he is?  Do you think you should have to?"

This hurts.  I suddenly to not want to be in this place.  I do not want to talk about this anymore.  I place another tissue next to me on the couch and realize there are many more than I recall placing there.  Yet the tears do not stop.  I take a deep breath and reach for another.

"Maybe I should change what I consider to be 'affection'."
"I was just going to suggest that."

Can I do this?  Should I have to?

"I think................I think widows get closure.  For those of us............ whose husband's come back..... we don't get that.  We don't morn like we should.  The man I loved.............the man who loved me....... he never came back."

I pause to keep from breaking down.

"You need to grieve and I don't think you ever have.  Even now, you can't fully let go."

I look down at the growing pile of tissues next to me and cannot imagine the pain a choice like this could cause.  The damage it could do.