Purgatory

After our long talk the other night, he left to go out of town for 2 days.  He has been back since Thursday but things for me have been awkward.  I do not think he notices but maybe.  I told him long ago that I would never use the "D" word (divorce) as a threat.  If I said it, it would be because I had come to a point where I was finished.  I know he didn't use this word.  But he said we were over.  He went on to talk about where to go, what to do next.  A part of me died...... another part.

We have an apt set for next Wednesday to see his counselor.  Every day closer brings only more anxiety.  I am starting to believe none of this has to do with PTSD.  He has told me for some time that he cannot feel about me as he once did.  That things in our past are just too much for him to move beyond.  I have a hard time understanding this.  He asked me to forgive him for sleeping with his secretary.  It has taken some time, but I have.  Why can he not forgive me?   I have tolerated his behavior because I have allowed myself to believe I deserve this. My counselor tells me that no one deserves this.

I think he is right.  I think I have been right............... I am simply not what he wants.  I cannot make him love me........not the way a husband should love his wife.  I have this awful feeling that Wednesday will be the end.  I feel like I am awaiting a trial..........one where if found guilty, the penalty is the death of my marriage.