Over

After being rejected last night, we really didn't speak any more.  I pretended to watch TV and he was on his laptop.  Around 9:30, I decided it was bed time.  I kissed M and hugged her.  Her dad had already gone outside to smoke.
I brushed my teeth and washed my face.  As I started to turn out the light, I reminded myself that it is never a good idea to go to bed mad.  I walked outside, kissed him on his forehead and told him I loved him.
But when I got back to the room, I was still mad.  I put my sweats back on and walked back outside again.
Sitting next him, I asked, "Why".

This one word sparked a 2 hour conversation, more painful and more honest than I think we have ever had in 13 years of marriage.  But it spiraled so far in the wrong direction that at one point he told me it was over. We were over.  He started asking me how we were going to tell M.  What we were going to do about her and my grandmother (who lives with us).  I just kept saying I didn't know.  I cried so hard that at times I couldn't find my voice.

There were lulls in the conversation when neither of us would say anything.  He started to open up about his meeting with the counselor.  He told me a lot of things I did't want to hear.  Things that hurt.  Much of what was said I could not begin to recant, as my state of mind at the time was anything but clear.  I just kept hearing the word "over".

When I decided the conversation was more than I could handle, I asked him one last time before I got up to go inside, "Are you sure this is what you want?"
He paused and then replied that he would like for both of us to go see his counselor.
When I agreed, he told me that he does still love me.  He referred to me as his best friend and started telling me everything he still loved and respected about me.  He even told me that I was beautiful and had a "smokin hot body".  Which made me laugh.  I have wanted to hear these words from him for so long.

I am cautiously hopeful about this meeting.  But he has already said it once.  And after that one time, it comes much more easily.  And he could decide at any time that we are "Over."