This past week has been really difficult. I have anxiety attacks daily.......... sometimes multiple times a day. I keep feeling like something is very wrong; as anyone who has ever had one of these can attest. For some people, the symptoms are more along the lines of a heart attack, but mine have always felt like impending doom.
Last night I had a dream he was still involved with the other girl. I have to admit, forgiveness has not been so easy and I think my anxiety attacks are directly related to this bullshit. There are some definite doubts that he has ended things with her. Which means this affair has spanned more than 2 years..............and Im the biggest fucking idiot in the world. Yeah me!
I am trying to remain objective: so either I am right and my subconsciousness is refusing to allow me to overlook the obvious OR I am being a crazy, jealous, insecure girl and need to go back on my meds. Could be both?
When we first got serious about dating, I used to ask myself "If he left, would I be ok?" I asked that every day until my answer was an undisputed "No!" Recently, I have started asking myself that same question again. So far, the answer remains "no", but I do wonder how much longer I can do this. And since I do not know what the fuck this is...........I don't even know how to measure my tolerance.
I hate this...........
On a more positive note.............. I mean the only positive note. I do love my new job. I can throw myself into it entirely and not focus at all marriage woes (at least from the hours of 7-5). I have also started back to Cross Fit. I can't believe I waited so long to go back. I have missed it. Will be nice not to have so many giggly parts to hide. Unfortunately, I have cut out drinking as it interferes with my insane workouts. And there are days when I could really use a drink................... or 6.
You are dealing with many of the most difficult things that anyone could ever be asked to,.. hang in there...
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