I have been reading a book by Kristen Hannah called Home Front. I cannot read it without crying...... ever. No matter what chapter, there is something heart wrenchingly familiar throughout. It is a pretty good representation of the effects of deployment, PDST and TBI on a family from the prospective of both the soldier and the spouse.
The book deals with a female helicopter pilot who has two girls and a lawyer husband. None of which support her role in the Army. She has marital issues before deploying and upon returning, injured, faces a so many more issue. It sucks. Parts of this could have been written about my family (less the bratty kids). I find myself wishing I could get a do over. Wishing I had been a different person. A better person. Not just during his deployment........ but before he even joined the Marines. I wish I could go back and find that sweet, naive kid and stop myself from taking him for granted. Stop myself from hurting him. I dont know that I really would want to stop him from joining, but at least been more supportive in the beginning.
In the past couple of years I have thought about how much he has hurt me and how I wish he would make it easier to for me to forgive him. But I have rarely thought about whether or not he has ever forgiven me............... well, thats not exactly true. I guess I didn't really think he still even considered it. Not after everything else. But forgiveness, at least for us, is definitely two sided.
I know that after saying it outloud "I forgive you" it has made things feel differently for me. It wasnt just words. It was a mindset. Granted, I still have times when I think about shit I shouldn't......when my mind goes to that dark place. But it is easier to stop it now.
And I wonder............. is it the same for him? Did he really forgive me? Will he ever?
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