Again with the yo-yo. So yesterday morning I called the hotel I thought W was staying at, no one by that name was registered. In fairness, this was the name of the hotel he stayed at last time he traveled out of town, it wasn't as if he had just given me this info for this trip. But then I tried his cell and no answer. Texted him twice. No response.
At this point I resolve to suck it up, get ready for work and not think about it.
That lasted all of 20 min. I called him again. This time he answered (sounding all happy to hear from me) and I lost it. I didn't mean to but everything came out wrong and accusatory. Not good. He got defensive and then we smoothed things over.
On my way home he called and wanted me to know how sorry he was and how he understands that he has been making things difficult for me and has been selfish. He wanted me to know that he will start paying attention to all the things that matter to me. I didn't know what to say. I kept thanking him. It was wonderful news. I was so excited. Couldn't believe it.
Last night things were great but I started feeling........... I don't know. Maybe it's my inability to trust him or that the situation could be this amazing. Just got this bad feeling that something was up.
When we went to bed, he fell asleep immediately while I lay there and fret. I recall that he had promised me a copy of the hotel receipt but then never offered to let me see it. So I got up and started snooping. I am in no way proud of this. I couldn't find his wallet and the hotel charge was not posted on his cc (I know that sometime it can take time) but still the sinking feeling got worse and worse.
I got his phone and started looking through his work emails. (he still works with the girl he had an affair with 2 years ago). What I found was not good. I woke him up. I asked him about it. Things spiraled way out of control after that.
So this morning while I was getting ready for work, I made a decision. It is not the one I would have thought I would make. But based on our conversation last night and into early morning; I felt it was the best decision. I woke him (yes, again) and whispered,
"I forgive you."
You see I listened to him rehash shit that I had done to hurt him several years ago and I realized it is our inability to let go of the pain we have caused one another that is killing us. If I want to move past my pain from his affair, I have to forgive him and really let it go. I can't keep waiting for things to be perfect for me to do this. They never will be and I will keep contributing to the problem with my insecurity.
"I forgive you for everything before today; known & unknown. And I promise not to check up on you and take you at your word. And I will do this because I know you love me, I have seen that in your behavior over the past couple of weeks. And I know you do not want to hurt me."
I realize I may be wrong and I will have to face that if it presents itself. But forgiveness does not make me stupid. Constantly sabotaging my relation does.
He held me tight and kissed me.
"I forgive you too and I love you baby."
Of all the words we have shared, we have never once said these. Never.
No comments:
Post a Comment