Probably Not

As my new job becomes more and more demanding of my time, I find myself entirely too preoccupied to fret over personal issues.......most days.  This is good, considering this week will mark the 2 year anniversary of the day I found out about his affair.

I don't want to think about that day.  Dont want to think about how long it went on............. that it might still be going on.

I have an apt with the Not Alone shrink on Friday.  I will spend my lunch hour pouring out my heart (or trying to). Trying not to cry, because I cant fuck up my makeup if I have to go back to work.  I want the help.  But I really do not want to tell someone all my problems.

I am alone again tonight.  He went out of town for work today and text me to let me know he would stay overnight.  Really?  A text?  I ignored it.  I didn't have a response anyway.  Later he called me and said he just wanted to tell me he loved me AND, did I get his text about staying out of town?  I told him I had been busy.  Which is very true.  Right now I am fighting the urge to check out his tolls online and verify he really left.  But that's so stupid.  He could have someone there he is seeing.

FUCK ME!

I really need to move past this shit.  But I am alone tonight and have way too much free time.  And this is when my mind wonders.  I wonder how bad it is that I need a vacation less than 2 month into my new job.  Maybe it is my marriage and not my job I need a vacation from.  Maybe it is the issues of my marriage.  Nope.  I need a vacation from my over active mind.

I am working with several contractors on a build out project for one of the floors in our building.  Today, I was speaking with Jason, my painter.  He was telling me that he is getting married this month.  He is super excited and glad he waited so long to find the right woman.  He told me how "cool" she is and how much he loves her.  Then he asks me if I am "happily married".

"Thirteen years."  I responded with a big fake-ass smile plastered on my face.
His smile broadened and he continues on and on and on.  I like him.  I like that he has someone he is so excited about.  I didn't like the conversation.  I wondered if he could tell I was lying............ or if he was even paying attention.

I haven't been to Cross Fit in a week because I have been so busy at work.  Today I finally have time and I just went home.  It is not even 8pm and I am contemplating an early bed time.  Maybe I can get up early and workout.  Probably not.