Reel her in boys

I have cut out the anti psychotics.  It has helped with the crazy dreams.  They are getting ready to up the dosage on the shots.  Even though they told me there was no evidence of the crap in my system, now they are saying it is there only minute.  Could have to go back to the anti psychotics if the increased dosage of the shot makes me want to to punch babies.  I am hoping not.

I have been pulling away from W.  My counselor made me promise that I would refrain from making any major decision regarding my marriage for the next 3-6 months; when I am finished with treatment and the meds are out of my system.  I am trying to honor that but there is a part of me that feels I have already made the decision..............how does one unmake a decision like that?

I have noticed he has been trying a little more than usual to make things ok.  It is very little and I cant say that I react to it at all.  He is gone 3 days a week now for work and I know this sounds bad, but I like when he is gone.  I no longer wonder what (or who) he may be doing.  I dont get upset if he doesnt call or text.

He makes me feel like a fish.  I could be throwing myself into his fucking boat and he would look at me in discussed as he threw me back.  But when I am hopeless and begin to feel the apathy he so prominately displays, then Im some prize to have on his mantel.

Well fuck this game, Im not biting this time.  If he wants me............it will take some grand gesture of love.............and not only am I quite sure he is incapable of this, I think it is just too late for me to give a shit.

Who tells their wife to not only never ask for sex, but not even to bring it up??!?!?!  That was 6 months ago and I have complied with his wishes.  But I did not get married so I could have a roommate.

Treatment

I have lost 21 lb and my hair is thinning, but I am half way finished with my treatment.  My blood test show I am no longer anemic.  I still have bad days but I am coping.  The biggest challenge is trying to care for my grandmother and myself with very little support from W.

He helps some but since my grandmother has gotten worse and our oldest daughter and her husband have moved back in with us, the stress is difficult for all of us.  He told me that since I wasnt working, he would love for me to go out of town with him when he goes for work.  That was 3 months ago............. he hasnt brought it up since.

The other day W told me I should to try to be more positive.  As if my attitude adjustment will magically fix everything.  I was more positive.  I took antidepressants and saw a counselor  just to fix what was wrong with with me........only to find out I wasn't the problem.  I want to be positive but I feel he gives me very little to be positive about.  When I need his support the most, he is simply not capable of giving it.  So I try not to need it, to need anything from him.  If I could be cold and unfeeling like him, our marriage would survive..............but I wouldn't.

My meds make me crazy.  I recently quit taking a few of them, I now have insomnia.  But at least I dont have the nightmares.  I asked W for a divorce a few weeks ago, he said he had promised not to allow me to make any major decisions while on this treatment.  But I cant tell if its the meds or if 7 years of rejection have just been too much for me to bare.  I still love him.  He still can make me laugh.  But I do not want him to touch me anymore.  I do no desire him the way I once did (even when he rejected me).  He is my roommate and that is all.  I have even started making excuses to sleep on the couch.

And it hurts.  It hurts because I thought if I loved him enough I could help heal him.  I could bring back the man I married.  The romantic man who asked me to marry him in Italian.  The man before he was a Marine.  Before he was broken.  Before the war, the affair, all the words that cant be unspoken.

I am preparing to say goodbye knowing how many more people will suffer because of this decision.  I know the repercussions will be far reaching.  I know my youngest may never forgive me.  I also know that I may spend the rest of my life alone.............and yet that doesn't bother me.  Only the effect it will have on our girls.

Gone

I still see his face

And sometimes, I even remember

What his voice sounded like whispering sweetly in my ear

I remember all the good things

Yet they are overshadowed by so much pain

What I can no longer recall is

His touch

The way he smelled when I was close to him

What his lips felt like pressed to mine

The warmth of his body while we slept

In a picture, I still hold him as he once was

But he long gone

And I feel lost

Lost without what it was that was there

When the picture was taken

Lost and unable to find my way

Back………..

To…..

No, just lost

And unable to remember

Where it is that we have been

Lost

With no hope of finding….

With no hope of remembering

What it was we once had

I know I am lucky, my Marine came home

But he is not mine any longer

He is an empty shell, unable to even recall who he once was,

Or why he once loved me 

-anonymous

If tears do not demonstrate weakness, why then do they make me feel weak

We all went to see Friday Night Fights last night.  I went with our oldest daughter and a few girls from her work.  W found out and decided he really wanted to go, so he bought tickets and took our son in law and his friend.
I was a lot of fun.  Our seats were no where near one another but we drove together and met up after the fights.  W had been drinking.  He always drinks so it takes a lot for me to notice when he has had too much. Last night he had just a little too much.
When we met up, he took me by the hand and we walked to the vehicle.  On the ride home, he held my hand, kissed me repeatedly and nuzzled my neck.  I cannot recall that last time I had butterflies like that.
But when we got home he went to straight to bed.  I wasnt going to allow it to ruin my excitement about how he had touched me.  I reminded myself he worked all day and had been drinking.  It was a great night.
This morning when he awoke, as asked him to hold me.  I am feeling exceptionally shitty today.  My joints, hand, feet and even skin hurt.  He initially said yes but then jumped out of bed and started getting dressed.
"So I take that as a NO."
No response.
"So am I not allowed to ask for that either.  One more thing I'm not allowed to bring up?"
He said he was having difficulty even talking.
And since he left the room immediately after that, I have no idea what the fuck that means.
This is not the first time I have asked him to hold me and been rejected.  With the exception of about an hour last night, we are moving in reverse.  He continues to push me away.  Is there someone else again?  Was she ever out of the picture?
I should never have to ask these questions.
Why dont I leave?
Im scared.  He knows me better than anyone.  He is my best friend...............he just stopped being my husband a long time ago.
As the tears begin to fall, I dont know why I even bother giving a shit.  He does not appear to.
I am taking so many drugs and there are simply no enough to make me stop feeling. 

End Times

 

 
I keep retyping this entry, I am not sleeping well and all my meds have kicked in.  So, Im sorry if this entry is all over the place.

W is out of town and I knew he was going, but I didn't hear from him until I txt him until after 8pm.  I am not happy with  him.  I don't think he does it to be malicious................God, I hope not.  I think he is really just a "guy" ...............................................and I Im the biggest sucker in Candy Land.

Maybe I have ridiculously high expectations.  I have spoken to a few married Marines who have said their wives' have very similar issues (the guys forgot what their dick's for.)  They just laugh it off.

 Right now I feel like I am making a big deal over nothing.  If he doesn't want me then why the fuck would I stay.  I think 3 years post affair and we should be much further along than we are.  I think it is time for me to make a decision.  A permanent one.

Escape

 

Today Gma and I planned a vacation getaway.  We decided on a beach resort near JAX.  I am excited about going.  She was very excited all day and then she went up stair an started freaking out about everything.  She has had anxiety issues since as far back as I can recall.  We used to call them nervous breakdowns. 

She comes down later and is almost in tears.  She has all this paper work and thinks she missed paying a bunch of bills. I have to get her to calm down (and no, I am not proud of telling her to "get that fucking look off your face").  Long standing rule, no F bombs in front of grandma.  This morning I gave her 1/2 of my anti anxiety pill.  It really seemed to help.  So I sorted through all the crap on her desk, only 2 pieces were important.  The rest was junk mail.

I made her repeat a bunch of stuff after me about not crying over stupid shit that doesn't matter.  After several attempts, she got it.  I forbade her from getting back into the paperwork, gave her the other 1/2 of the anti anxiety pill and go to bed.  Most importantly she knows I love her.

I told M she was going, she promptly dug out her attendance rules for school.  So now I have to go up to her school and have a chat about how important this trip is and pray they are willing to make an exception. That will be fun.

I haven't told W yet.  It just doesn't seems important................I could just leave and I cant see it making any kind of impact on him.  He may call me selfish or get all excited and tell me what a great idea it is and how excited he is for me.  Neither is a good response.  At this point, I don't even know what I want from him.
No.............that's not true at all.  I want him to make me feel wanted.  Desired.

But since that isn't going to happen anytime soon..........I look forward to the feeling of warm sand between my toes.  The warm sun on my legs (lets face it, I'm too old to be worshiping the sun).
Drink non-alcoholic umbrella drinks and instituting the No Plan Plan.  We will get up when we want and do what we want.  It will be amazing.

Do I still got it?

I have been thinking about what W told the counselor about his lack of interest in sex.
"There is just too much going on all the time.  Too many people in the house all the time, this project at work, her being sick.   Its a lot."

 I want to understand him, but I just see these as excuses.  I went back to check my calendar, we have not had sex since July 21, 2012.........that is just over 6 months.  And I am not allowed to ask him for it or try to seduce him.

I went out today for dr. apts and had 3 hours between them so I went to my eldest daughters restaurant and hung out.  I had so many complements on how beautiful and hot I am.  Keep in mind I have been on treatment for almost 6 weeks  I am pale to the point there is not enough make up to cover it up.  I am emaciated.  My daughter kept asking me if I was ok, she would say I just looked really tired.

Yet there were so many men who wanted to know if I was her sister and wanted her to tell me how beautiful I am.  One guy offered to pay for my food but the manager loves me, so he had already comped it.

Yet W has too much going on to even consider sex with his wife.  Six months and it would have been longer than that if it hadnt been an assigned by our councilor.  Six months and the best he can do on rare occasions is to tell me I'm cute.  What a waste.  Six months of being so busy you ignore your wife.  So busy that he doesn't even flinch if I say someone hits on me or that someone even tried to kiss me.  I still don't matter.  Physically, I am invisible.

There is no other way to explain it.  I have to admit, I do not think about it like I used to.........which could just be one more step towards that door or all the meds I am on.

I'm a little older, look a little different.  But why does he push me away?

Skank Test

I have been tolerating my treatments as best as I can.  I am anemic but Dr. said there isn't anything they they can do about it.  Just means I will get tired all the time.  My shrink gave me anti psychotics to counter the need to punch babies and kick puppies.  It has helped  but they make me feel like a zombie.  W has been loving and attentive.  I try to let him know just how much it means to me.  I am impressed.  We did make our last therapy session but he has yet to give me a date for our next apt.

I have been trying to arrange a trip out of town for at least 3 weeks.  I asked him if he thought he could go for  at least a week.  Of course the answer was NO, he is really busy at work.  Makes me feel like if I was dying, he couldn't be bothered with silly stuff like death, he has other shit to do.  I asked him if he would consider an extended weekend. He said yes, but he is not so good at keeping his word.

Had to go to see my OB today.  Meds are causing weird shit with my body, instead of one week, its one period for 5 weeks.  Dr. said that could be why I am anemic.  I had to talk to her about my treatment.  I asked why they didn't test all pregnant women, she said laughed and said she uses the "Skank test".  If they look like a skank, she tests them.  But then she went on to tell me she has knows of several in her family who have had it, and they were far from skanks.  I just laugh because she knows this isn't easy for me but rather than pity, she makes me laugh.  Think I will use the skank test on others.  And you know if someone gets offended by that, they are a skank.

On a more serious note, she wanted to know why it had been 2 years since I had seen her.  I told her about W's affair, and my suspicions that it ended less than a year ago.  She asked me what blood tests I had for my virus.  She listed 3 she would add to the ones she was already running.  "Hello Mr. Anxiety".  When I first found out about the affair, I told him it was his responsible to get all the necessary tests.  I know he never did and we don't usually have sex, but it feels important.  Because of the treatment I have to do, I don't really think about sex.  Well,  not with him anyway (perfectly healthy to have fantasies).

Felt like I had just been bitch slapped.  I never expected that all his bullshit would still be effected  me almost 3 years later.  Sometimes I wonder if staying was really the right thing to do; or if I have been weak and too scared. 

It is a possibility that will all the anxiety, anti depressants and anti psychotics, I shouldn't go down this road.  I wish I knew someone in Colorado.  I am taking so many pills twice a day.  Let me explain i smoked pot during my teenage years.  It has worked better than any drug I have ever tried.  I wish my doctors would change their stance on the drug.  That, a hammock, the sun and beautiful beach is all I need (any offers; I'm a damn good cook)

I'm totally willing to take the skank test, spoiler alert.................I have it............ My Dr. tried to tell me she had family members who had been treated and been cured.  They were church goers, definitely not skanks.  But it was it was how she judges her patients.

I hung my hemp chair up but it took all day to find all the parts and then wash it.  It is so comfortable.  I have had it for 15 years, what a waste.  Think of all the beautiful sunsets and sun rises I wasted because I couldn't get around to putting it up.  The temp has dropped and a few of my fingers are numb.  Maybe tomorrow it will be warm again  and I can sit outside all day.  That would be nice.

I think my pills are kicking in and I am sure that none of this crap make any sense anyway.

















about

Ruffled Panties

Last night, W says he will be out of town tonight, coming back on Friday.  This morning when he woke me to tell me bye, he said he wasnt staying and would be home.  Then he called later and said he was staying.

I spent the day with doctors and trying to attempt to fix things with his identity, which was just stolen.  I do not like psychologists.  And this new guy is one I really don't like.  He calls me sweetie and puts his hand on my back or shoulders.  Tells me that he definitely doesn't recommend cannabis as part of my treatment.  I opened the lunch box full of prescription medication and asked if all those, which now required more drugs to counteract their side effects, was a better.  He stood by his conviction.  I think I may go spend the next 5 months in Denver. I felt angry all day.  I was surrounded by morons and punching them in the face is apparently frowned upon.  It was after 4 by the time I got back home.

That is when he called and said he wouldnt be back until tomorrow.  I had a protein shake and watched a few movies with M.  Then I thought I would just go to bed, but its not even 9pm. When I was getting ready for bed I pulled out a pair of black n white ruffled panties that I had gotten when I was taking burlesque classes.  I decided to wear them to bed with a soft, slightly warn black T.  He wouldnt notice even if he was here. 

I need to go back to dressing and doing everything for me.  If he notices then great, if not............well then nothing has changed and it has been this way longer than it ever was different.  The shrink did tell me not to make any life changing decisions while on these meds.  Thing like filing for divorce and booking a one way ticket out of the country are not wise.

Why cant life be as simple as a pair of ruffled panties.  Cute but still sexy enough to get a man's attention.  Soft to the touch, textured just enough to keep them from feeling 'everything' through the fabric.  I am a 38 year old, previous model who wants a life that is as simple as a pair of ruffled panties.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry.  But that's just the drugs talking.

All That Goes Unsaid

Have I ever mentioned that I love the smell of scotch tape or that sometimes I fall asleep praying for W...............or I have insomnia and I could pray for everyone I know and those they know......twice; and still not sleep?
Have I said that the real reason I stay with him is just as much an enigma to you as it is to me? 
Have I told you the last time he touched me............no, because I do not even know.

I read something the other day that said sometimes no matter how beautiful she is or attractive to others, if he simply cannot find it in his heart to love her, nothing else matters.  I think that is were we are.  He is kind.......mostly.  He makes me laugh.  He is a good dad.  I still get goose bumps and butterflies when he touches me, even if just by accented.  I still send him love texts, even when he doesn't return them.
I love him and I do what I can to show him.  Its in my kisses, as few as they may be.  Its in my touch,  no matter how casual.  Its in the words I tell him daily.

What I dont tell him.  What I have not told anyone.................. everyday that passes is one more that is more difficult for me to stay.  Sometimes I wish he would just leave so I didn't have to make that decision.  That the man I married would come home.  That he would love me the way I need to be loved, not the way he thinks is good enough.  That he wanted me and never let one moment pass without making me feel that way.  That none of this hurt anymore; that I was just numb. 
That I no longer cared.

I feel there are a lot of things in this life I can deal with, but rejection is not one of them.  W told our therapist he couldn't imagine things being different between us.  He was fine with the way things are.  He coulnt imagine changing who he was, even if he wanted to.  And he would be ok alone if that is the directions things went.

I know a great deal of this is caused by the meds I have to take right now.  But I feel like I am reliving every pain he ever caused me.  I want a ticket out of here.  I dont want to come back until my treatments are all finished.  And by the time I come back, I will be ok with dealing with making any decision that needs to be made.
I want to run away from home.  And I dont want anyone to notice.