Treatment

I have lost 21 lb and my hair is thinning, but I am half way finished with my treatment.  My blood test show I am no longer anemic.  I still have bad days but I am coping.  The biggest challenge is trying to care for my grandmother and myself with very little support from W.

He helps some but since my grandmother has gotten worse and our oldest daughter and her husband have moved back in with us, the stress is difficult for all of us.  He told me that since I wasnt working, he would love for me to go out of town with him when he goes for work.  That was 3 months ago............. he hasnt brought it up since.

The other day W told me I should to try to be more positive.  As if my attitude adjustment will magically fix everything.  I was more positive.  I took antidepressants and saw a counselor  just to fix what was wrong with with me........only to find out I wasn't the problem.  I want to be positive but I feel he gives me very little to be positive about.  When I need his support the most, he is simply not capable of giving it.  So I try not to need it, to need anything from him.  If I could be cold and unfeeling like him, our marriage would survive..............but I wouldn't.

My meds make me crazy.  I recently quit taking a few of them, I now have insomnia.  But at least I dont have the nightmares.  I asked W for a divorce a few weeks ago, he said he had promised not to allow me to make any major decisions while on this treatment.  But I cant tell if its the meds or if 7 years of rejection have just been too much for me to bare.  I still love him.  He still can make me laugh.  But I do not want him to touch me anymore.  I do no desire him the way I once did (even when he rejected me).  He is my roommate and that is all.  I have even started making excuses to sleep on the couch.

And it hurts.  It hurts because I thought if I loved him enough I could help heal him.  I could bring back the man I married.  The romantic man who asked me to marry him in Italian.  The man before he was a Marine.  Before he was broken.  Before the war, the affair, all the words that cant be unspoken.

I am preparing to say goodbye knowing how many more people will suffer because of this decision.  I know the repercussions will be far reaching.  I know my youngest may never forgive me.  I also know that I may spend the rest of my life alone.............and yet that doesn't bother me.  Only the effect it will have on our girls.