I expected us to be forever, till death do us part, and to be desired, loved
I expected to grow old together
I expected him to be faithful, to be the only woman in his life
To love him always, growing closer with every year
I expected......
I heard once that expectation is the cause disappointment
So I have stopped expecting.
In doing so, I have found myself more content.
Now, well.......... I just go with it.
We have a good friendship. We still laugh, more than we did a year ago; more than most married couples.
We have an open marriage. Sometimes he even wants to have sex with me. But we never discuss anything outside of us. There is no expectation of forever, faithfulness, loyalty, love, desire, anything. And it has made things better.
Is it ideal? What is ideal? What is happiness? What is love? Subjective........they all are.
It is relative, perspective, opinion. I am the only one who gets to decide. Unconditional love is reserved for my girls. Happiness is a state of mind. It is one I try to visit often. And everything I was brought up to believe in is bullshit.
My mom has been married 3 times and lives with a man who treats her like shit. She has told me this is what God wants for her. Just another perspective. I will not blame God for where I find myself. It is my decision. And today.....I am not unhappy about it. It may change. I may change. I hope so........ because when I stop changing, I start imposing my own limits. And I want a life with no limits.
I want to live my own life, not the one set by my upbringing or society or anyone. It is one of the few things I can call mine.
Tomorrow I may feel differently, but like my life, my mind is also mine to change.
Now, well.......... I just go with it.
We have a good friendship. We still laugh, more than we did a year ago; more than most married couples.
We have an open marriage. Sometimes he even wants to have sex with me. But we never discuss anything outside of us. There is no expectation of forever, faithfulness, loyalty, love, desire, anything. And it has made things better.
Is it ideal? What is ideal? What is happiness? What is love? Subjective........they all are.
It is relative, perspective, opinion. I am the only one who gets to decide. Unconditional love is reserved for my girls. Happiness is a state of mind. It is one I try to visit often. And everything I was brought up to believe in is bullshit.
My mom has been married 3 times and lives with a man who treats her like shit. She has told me this is what God wants for her. Just another perspective. I will not blame God for where I find myself. It is my decision. And today.....I am not unhappy about it. It may change. I may change. I hope so........ because when I stop changing, I start imposing my own limits. And I want a life with no limits.
I want to live my own life, not the one set by my upbringing or society or anyone. It is one of the few things I can call mine.
Tomorrow I may feel differently, but like my life, my mind is also mine to change.
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