I worked with him for a short duration during my volunteer work in USMC Family Readiness. He was a First Sgt. At that time everything was extremely professional. Sometime later he would friend request me on FB, though we never talked. He held a government job, something I recalled during my treatments when I received a letter from my employer stating they were asking for employees for a "volunteer separation".
I've been laid off before and was currently on disability. Taking no chances, I immediately started looking for a job. As much sense as that makes, since one cannot get another job while on disability. Again, I was under the influence of some amazing drugs. So I sent a message to him asking if he could assist me in finding a good government job. He called. We talked. We talked some more. We started talking all the time.
He knew my situation. I shared. I over shared. I do that. I think at one point he probably stated that what we were doing was not OK. I didn't care and it didn't take much for him to get over it.
After my first trip to see NM, I came back home and told W what had happened. I didn't throw it in his face. I didn't say "see what you made me do" or "now we're even". I felt badly for it. My goal was not to hurt him. It was to fill a need. One he had failed to do in more than 8 years. And that need wasn't just sex. It was a desire to feel needed. Wanted. Desired.
W was never angry. He didn't even get upset. Said he didn't feel he had the right to........though it felt more like I didn't matter enough to him to warrant being upset over.
We planned to get a divorce. Divided everything up. I continued to see NM, making the 9 hour trip to spend time with him and search for a job. I was still undergoing treatments so I was sick a lot. He took care of me. Doted on me. Loved me.
But he wanted more and he wanted it sooner. When I completed my treatments and began to rethink leaving my girls and my ailing grandmother, I began to see I couldn't do it. As I withdrew from him, he became insecure and even jealous. I started to see myself in him. Started to see how I had treated W since his affair. I hated that I could make anyone feel that badly, make them so insecure. We talked a lot. I tried to make him understand. He would say he did. But then he would return to the same way of thinking.
I saw him a few times after my grandmother passed away. There is so much I could say, but the point is I hurt him. I hurt him the way I had been hurt. And I did it because I was selfish. Because he gave me what W wouldn't and I took it without regard for how it might end. Sure he knew my circumstances and he knew there was an element of risk. But that does not negate the part I played.
I miss the way he made me feel. Miss how we were together. I think I loved him but not in the way I love W. I never want to love someone the way I love him. So utterly and completely one sided.
For now W and I have opted to not divorce. Our friendship is stronger than ever and on occasion we make fun of one another for our affairs and the added drama we brought upon ourselves. We never have serious conversations. It is all kept light and uncomplicated. Just the way he prefers it. And I am beginning to understand why.
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