The TV is loud, but I can hear his voice over the dialog on the screen. I feel annoyed, he is supposed to be watching this with me............not outside smoking and talking on his phone. He already said that he has to stay up late and work afterwards........... and go out of town tomorrow. Annoyance is turning into "pissed off". I pause the movie and get up.
I try unsuccessfully to quietly open the back door. It sticks and I pull too hard to get it open. Instead of slowing opening, the door pops open and clips my big toe.
"Fuck!" But my outburst is barely audible over the sound of the door.
He turns and looks up from his phone, which he holds as if he is texting or playing a game.
I take a deep breath and remind myself that I do not care what he is doing.
"Who were you talking to?" I try to sound casual.
It is dark and I can see only the outline of his face from the light of his cell phone screen.
"I'm not talking to anyone."
I do not believe him.
"Oh. Thought I heard you."
He takes a drag off his cigarette.
"Would you like to see my phone log?"
He exhales his answer and offers his phone in my direction.
"Nope."
"Are you sure."
I laugh it off as completely unnecessary.
"You almost done?"
I do not let him finish talking before I have shut the door.
As I sit back on the couch, I tell myself again, I do not care. It doesn't matter.
I start the movie back up and take a deep breath.
The back door opens and he comes back inside. I do not look his way.
He crosses the room and sits next to me. I do not look at him but pretend to be focused on the TV. Inside my head, I am trying to convince myself that it DOES NOT MATTER.
He pauses the movie.
"Was M watching something upstairs?"
I look at him trying to comprehend where he is going with this.
"I don't think so."
"I was just thinking, maybe you heard her watching something on her laptop."
"I don't know. Maybe."
The TV remains paused and I stare at it hoping that he will just drop it and hit play.
The seconds stretch to minutes and neither of us speak.
Finally, I give in.
"Are we waiting for something?"
"I just wanted to see if I could hear something too."
I do not respond.
"What did you hear me say?"
"If you weren't on the phone, I didn't hear you say anything. Must have been something else."
To my relief, he finally drops it and hits play.
Afterwards, I get up and get ready for bed as he heads back outside to smoke. Even though every fiber of my being screams "fuck him!", I head outside to kiss him and tell him good night.
"I'm going to bed too."
"You don't have to work?"
"I can do it tomorrow. But I did get tickets for the play off game, so instead of coming back tomorrow, we (him and his boss) will stay and catch the game."
I do not respond.
"But we will come back Friday morning."
He his happy and genuinely excited about being offered these tickets which are extremely expensive.
"That will be cool"
The words are hallow but I hope he doesn't notice.
Two sessions into this Not Alone shit and I feel very much alone.
31 May 2012
22 May 2012
Not Alone
My initial visit with a Not Alone provider was a week ago Friday. It did not got well. It was set for noon but then I had a meeting to attend so I changed it to 2pm. I knew the address was close to one of my buildings so I would just use it as an excuse for site visit.
Only, when I arrived, it was in the same building as the management company............ who serve as my contact for maintenance. I know these people! So now I'm worried that someone will see me entering or leaving the doctors office. But I suck it up and go in anyway, figuring I can just make up some lie if anyone does see me.
When I get into the office, the secretary is gone. I can clearly hear conversation in an adjacent room, so I have a seat and wait. A small, older woman emerges from the room, frowns and asks if she can help me. I explain that I am there for an appointment and she hands me paperwork and goes back into the room. First impression..............not good.
I fill out minimal info because it's requesting insurance and spousal information; neither of which is important according to my contact at Not Alone. The hobbit comes back out with her patient, all chatty and seemingly in a much more jovial mood than she was with me. I ignore them both and pretend to be interested in my paperwork.
When her patient leaves she tells me is going somewhere to get something and I nod as if I give a shit. I stop her and ask just how much of the paperwork is really necessary.
"Well, you're active duty military. Right?"
"No"
She looks confused.
"I think you have to be, to be considered for this."
"My husband was, but he is out."
"Then just put all his information. I will need Tricare and......" I interrupt her.
"This should all be handled by the Not Alone organization. I do not need to provide you with any of my husband's info. He doesn't even know I am here and I would like to keep it that way. AND.... there is no Tricare info to provide."
"Now I'm confused." ... (Yeah, you look it) "Is there some paperwork they provided you? I will need that."
"No. I have an email confirmation for the appointment."
"Well, that wont do. Is there someone you can call?"
At this point I already have my phone out and am dialing. She continues talking.
The lady at Not Alone is irritated as I try to explain that this doctor is a moron. She is trying to come up with a solution and tell her that the situation is already uncomfortable and I would rather not be there. She tells me to leave and she will find someone else. She is very kind to me. She is irritated with the idiot doctor. I am out the door before I even get off of the phone. The doctor is at the reception desk looking through papers and doesn't even notice me leaving............ or doesn't care.
I am half way back to my office when she calls to tell me that everything is OK. She found my paperwork and we can just reschedule my apt. I politely decline.
Not Alone did set me up with a new provider and I saw her yesterday. I like her. I cried almost the entire session. Today I had an anxiety attack that lasted all day and I am completely emotionally drained. But I am hopeful.
He is out of town again. Was supposed to be back today but called me at work to tell me he was staying an extra day. Did not make things any better. But then he called me 7 times this evening and was all happy. As hard as I try to see that as a good sign, I am still suspicious. I wish I wasn't. I only hope, counseling will help with that.
Only, when I arrived, it was in the same building as the management company............ who serve as my contact for maintenance. I know these people! So now I'm worried that someone will see me entering or leaving the doctors office. But I suck it up and go in anyway, figuring I can just make up some lie if anyone does see me.
When I get into the office, the secretary is gone. I can clearly hear conversation in an adjacent room, so I have a seat and wait. A small, older woman emerges from the room, frowns and asks if she can help me. I explain that I am there for an appointment and she hands me paperwork and goes back into the room. First impression..............not good.
I fill out minimal info because it's requesting insurance and spousal information; neither of which is important according to my contact at Not Alone. The hobbit comes back out with her patient, all chatty and seemingly in a much more jovial mood than she was with me. I ignore them both and pretend to be interested in my paperwork.
When her patient leaves she tells me is going somewhere to get something and I nod as if I give a shit. I stop her and ask just how much of the paperwork is really necessary.
"Well, you're active duty military. Right?"
"No"
She looks confused.
"I think you have to be, to be considered for this."
"My husband was, but he is out."
"Then just put all his information. I will need Tricare and......" I interrupt her.
"This should all be handled by the Not Alone organization. I do not need to provide you with any of my husband's info. He doesn't even know I am here and I would like to keep it that way. AND.... there is no Tricare info to provide."
"Now I'm confused." ... (Yeah, you look it) "Is there some paperwork they provided you? I will need that."
"No. I have an email confirmation for the appointment."
"Well, that wont do. Is there someone you can call?"
At this point I already have my phone out and am dialing. She continues talking.
The lady at Not Alone is irritated as I try to explain that this doctor is a moron. She is trying to come up with a solution and tell her that the situation is already uncomfortable and I would rather not be there. She tells me to leave and she will find someone else. She is very kind to me. She is irritated with the idiot doctor. I am out the door before I even get off of the phone. The doctor is at the reception desk looking through papers and doesn't even notice me leaving............ or doesn't care.
I am half way back to my office when she calls to tell me that everything is OK. She found my paperwork and we can just reschedule my apt. I politely decline.
Not Alone did set me up with a new provider and I saw her yesterday. I like her. I cried almost the entire session. Today I had an anxiety attack that lasted all day and I am completely emotionally drained. But I am hopeful.
He is out of town again. Was supposed to be back today but called me at work to tell me he was staying an extra day. Did not make things any better. But then he called me 7 times this evening and was all happy. As hard as I try to see that as a good sign, I am still suspicious. I wish I wasn't. I only hope, counseling will help with that.
21 May 2012
A Marine Corp Funeral
I stand swaying, trying to keep my footing as my heels dig into the soft earth. The sun is unseasonable hot. My black dress clings to me as my body begins to perspire. I look down at my daughters small hand and reach to hold it. She looks forward as the tears streak her cheeks.
I turn my head forward. I can see the Marines at parade rest. There must be 300 people, yet the only sound is that of the birds. I close my eyes and will myself not to cry.
"Breathe", I tell myself. Slowly, I open my eyes again. So many people. So much pain. We stand directly behind the funeral detail. I know my husband is one of them, but I cannot tell which one. My heart aches for him. He is not allowed to grieve. He must be strong. I am grateful I have my sunglasses, they hide so much. And as they call them to present the flag to SSgt Anderson's mom, the sobs begin again. I am almost relieved I cannot see what is going on through all the mourners.
So many people. So much grief and anguish.
I look down at my feet. My heels are killing me and I feel like an ass for focusing on something so stupid. I place my weight on the balls of feet as to keep my heels from digging any further into the ground. I stand carefully between two headstone and begin to read the one just the the right. Born 1892; Died 1975. He had a long life; so much longer than Austin's 27 years.
I can hear in the distance someone yelling but all too late I realize what is happening. The first shots ring out and startle me. I release my daughter's hand and place mine to my lips to muffle a sob. The second shots come too quickly for me to recover and I give in. My body shakes and it becomes difficult to breathe.
I hold my head up. Suddenly it feels disrespectful to be looking down. Tears flowing freely down my cheeks. The final shots are fired and through a small part in the crowd, I catch a glimpse of the casket. It looks naked without the flag. Another stupid thought.
The minister says something but it is inaudible. Someone dismisses the Marines. When they turn to one another I can see that everyone of them has been crying. They hug and cry more. I carefully step back from the crowd. Carefully watching my husband. I want to go to him, comfort him. But this is not the time and I am not who he needs. So I watch and wait until he comes to me........................
It was a very beautiful service. The girl Austin pulled from the plane, her father spoke. I know that she has a long recovery, but I am so grateful she survived. It was as if Austin's purpose in life was to save her. He struggled to keep his composure as he talked about Austin; about Hannah and their friendship. I have thought a lot about the life he lived, so full of purpose and drive. He knew the life he wanted, the man he wanted to be. And he lived that way. He died that way. And I hope that when I die, I have had even half the impact that SSgt Austin Anderson had on those that knew him.
Semper Fi
I turn my head forward. I can see the Marines at parade rest. There must be 300 people, yet the only sound is that of the birds. I close my eyes and will myself not to cry.
"Breathe", I tell myself. Slowly, I open my eyes again. So many people. So much pain. We stand directly behind the funeral detail. I know my husband is one of them, but I cannot tell which one. My heart aches for him. He is not allowed to grieve. He must be strong. I am grateful I have my sunglasses, they hide so much. And as they call them to present the flag to SSgt Anderson's mom, the sobs begin again. I am almost relieved I cannot see what is going on through all the mourners.
So many people. So much grief and anguish.
I look down at my feet. My heels are killing me and I feel like an ass for focusing on something so stupid. I place my weight on the balls of feet as to keep my heels from digging any further into the ground. I stand carefully between two headstone and begin to read the one just the the right. Born 1892; Died 1975. He had a long life; so much longer than Austin's 27 years.
I can hear in the distance someone yelling but all too late I realize what is happening. The first shots ring out and startle me. I release my daughter's hand and place mine to my lips to muffle a sob. The second shots come too quickly for me to recover and I give in. My body shakes and it becomes difficult to breathe.
I hold my head up. Suddenly it feels disrespectful to be looking down. Tears flowing freely down my cheeks. The final shots are fired and through a small part in the crowd, I catch a glimpse of the casket. It looks naked without the flag. Another stupid thought.
The minister says something but it is inaudible. Someone dismisses the Marines. When they turn to one another I can see that everyone of them has been crying. They hug and cry more. I carefully step back from the crowd. Carefully watching my husband. I want to go to him, comfort him. But this is not the time and I am not who he needs. So I watch and wait until he comes to me........................
It was a very beautiful service. The girl Austin pulled from the plane, her father spoke. I know that she has a long recovery, but I am so grateful she survived. It was as if Austin's purpose in life was to save her. He struggled to keep his composure as he talked about Austin; about Hannah and their friendship. I have thought a lot about the life he lived, so full of purpose and drive. He knew the life he wanted, the man he wanted to be. And he lived that way. He died that way. And I hope that when I die, I have had even half the impact that SSgt Austin Anderson had on those that knew him.
Semper Fi
14 May 2012
SSgt Austin Anderson
Austin served in Iraq with my husband. When he deployed the second time, Austin was my youngest daughter's date to the Marine Corp Ball (she was just 8 years old). He tortured my older daughter's guy friends, assuring they were all appropriately intimidated. He could make everyone laugh till they cried and their sides hurt. He had a smile that was infectious. He did not drink, smoke or cuss. He attended church regularly. Even after two tours in Iraq, he did not let his demons rule his life. He lived for others. He was beautiful on the inside and out.
This past Friday night, he was in a plane crash with 4 other friends. Three of them perished in the crash. Austin pulled a 22 year old girl from the crash and went for help. He was burned over 90% of his body. He died early Saturday morning. The girl he saved is in serious condition but they are hopeful.
This news has been difficult for all of his Marine family. I cannot image how it is for his family and fiance. He was a good Marine but when he came home, he continued to be a good man. And not many can claim that. The world was a better place because of him. I hope that we are all better people for having known him.
My daughters cried when I told them. This weekend was the first time in a long time I saw my husband cry. And though I have tried several times not to, I have cried every day since the accident. I think all of our guys would agree that there was not a better man among them. I can only hope that losing him inspires them to be better, do better and to achieve something truly great. I know it has me.
We will not be discouraged by your death, but motivated by the life you lived
07 May 2012
Probably Not
As my new job becomes more and more demanding of my time, I find myself entirely too preoccupied to fret over personal issues.......most days. This is good, considering this week will mark the 2 year anniversary of the day I found out about his affair.
I don't want to think about that day. Dont want to think about how long it went on............. that it might still be going on.
I have an apt with the Not Alone shrink on Friday. I will spend my lunch hour pouring out my heart (or trying to). Trying not to cry, because I cant fuck up my makeup if I have to go back to work. I want the help. But I really do not want to tell someone all my problems.
I am alone again tonight. He went out of town for work today and text me to let me know he would stay overnight. Really? A text? I ignored it. I didn't have a response anyway. Later he called me and said he just wanted to tell me he loved me AND, did I get his text about staying out of town? I told him I had been busy. Which is very true. Right now I am fighting the urge to check out his tolls online and verify he really left. But that's so stupid. He could have someone there he is seeing.
FUCK ME!
I really need to move past this shit. But I am alone tonight and have way too much free time. And this is when my mind wonders. I wonder how bad it is that I need a vacation less than 2 month into my new job. Maybe it is my marriage and not my job I need a vacation from. Maybe it is the issues of my marriage. Nope. I need a vacation from my over active mind.
I am working with several contractors on a build out project for one of the floors in our building. Today, I was speaking with Jason, my painter. He was telling me that he is getting married this month. He is super excited and glad he waited so long to find the right woman. He told me how "cool" she is and how much he loves her. Then he asks me if I am "happily married".
"Thirteen years." I responded with a big fake-ass smile plastered on my face.
His smile broadened and he continues on and on and on. I like him. I like that he has someone he is so excited about. I didn't like the conversation. I wondered if he could tell I was lying............ or if he was even paying attention.
I haven't been to Cross Fit in a week because I have been so busy at work. Today I finally have time and I just went home. It is not even 8pm and I am contemplating an early bed time. Maybe I can get up early and workout. Probably not.
I don't want to think about that day. Dont want to think about how long it went on............. that it might still be going on.
I have an apt with the Not Alone shrink on Friday. I will spend my lunch hour pouring out my heart (or trying to). Trying not to cry, because I cant fuck up my makeup if I have to go back to work. I want the help. But I really do not want to tell someone all my problems.
I am alone again tonight. He went out of town for work today and text me to let me know he would stay overnight. Really? A text? I ignored it. I didn't have a response anyway. Later he called me and said he just wanted to tell me he loved me AND, did I get his text about staying out of town? I told him I had been busy. Which is very true. Right now I am fighting the urge to check out his tolls online and verify he really left. But that's so stupid. He could have someone there he is seeing.
FUCK ME!
I really need to move past this shit. But I am alone tonight and have way too much free time. And this is when my mind wonders. I wonder how bad it is that I need a vacation less than 2 month into my new job. Maybe it is my marriage and not my job I need a vacation from. Maybe it is the issues of my marriage. Nope. I need a vacation from my over active mind.
I am working with several contractors on a build out project for one of the floors in our building. Today, I was speaking with Jason, my painter. He was telling me that he is getting married this month. He is super excited and glad he waited so long to find the right woman. He told me how "cool" she is and how much he loves her. Then he asks me if I am "happily married".
"Thirteen years." I responded with a big fake-ass smile plastered on my face.
His smile broadened and he continues on and on and on. I like him. I like that he has someone he is so excited about. I didn't like the conversation. I wondered if he could tell I was lying............ or if he was even paying attention.
I haven't been to Cross Fit in a week because I have been so busy at work. Today I finally have time and I just went home. It is not even 8pm and I am contemplating an early bed time. Maybe I can get up early and workout. Probably not.
02 May 2012
Not What I Expected
The visit with my friend went ok. I guess I had expected her to be the same even though I'm not. When we first met, she had been married close to 15 years and was still insanely in love with him. Deployment was beyond difficult for her.
The woman I hung out with, was not that same person. She was angry, distant and almost indifferent to her marriage. She didn't open up immediately but after I shared about my situation....... which was very difficult........... she began to talk about hers.
It was as if we were on two very different sides: me the insecure wife who wanted desperately to hang on to my marriage and her, accused (falsely) of having affairs and completely disinterested in her husbands needs. She told me she cant stand for him to touch her and his insecurities do more to drive her away than his mood swings and bouts of "crazy". She casually mentions that he brought up divorce and she told him, "Go ahead, but you better find somewhere else to go because I'm not fucking leaving." I cannot even fathom saying something like that! But I was impressed she could.
After awhile, I asked her if she thought they would make it. She paused and then said, "Yea, we will just be that old couple that fights all the time."
I was not encouraged. They had many years on us and this is what deployment did to them. But I have thought a lot about her situation; the differences and similarities to my own. I think there is a lot I can learn from her. Mainly, just how much I can drive him to hate me by being insecure. It is not like I didn't know this already... but it is something else to hear it from one of my friends. I felt like my husband had probably told his friends the same shit about me that she was saying about her husband............. shit, he may even be saying it to her!
And there I go again with the paranoid bullshit!
I got a call from Not Alone today. They set me up with a counselor, my appointment is next Friday. I am weary, as it is very difficult for me to talk about any of this with even my closest friends. But I am hoping to find the awesome person I used to be. I hope she is still there........somewhere.
The woman I hung out with, was not that same person. She was angry, distant and almost indifferent to her marriage. She didn't open up immediately but after I shared about my situation....... which was very difficult........... she began to talk about hers.
It was as if we were on two very different sides: me the insecure wife who wanted desperately to hang on to my marriage and her, accused (falsely) of having affairs and completely disinterested in her husbands needs. She told me she cant stand for him to touch her and his insecurities do more to drive her away than his mood swings and bouts of "crazy". She casually mentions that he brought up divorce and she told him, "Go ahead, but you better find somewhere else to go because I'm not fucking leaving." I cannot even fathom saying something like that! But I was impressed she could.
After awhile, I asked her if she thought they would make it. She paused and then said, "Yea, we will just be that old couple that fights all the time."
I was not encouraged. They had many years on us and this is what deployment did to them. But I have thought a lot about her situation; the differences and similarities to my own. I think there is a lot I can learn from her. Mainly, just how much I can drive him to hate me by being insecure. It is not like I didn't know this already... but it is something else to hear it from one of my friends. I felt like my husband had probably told his friends the same shit about me that she was saying about her husband............. shit, he may even be saying it to her!
And there I go again with the paranoid bullshit!
I got a call from Not Alone today. They set me up with a counselor, my appointment is next Friday. I am weary, as it is very difficult for me to talk about any of this with even my closest friends. But I am hoping to find the awesome person I used to be. I hope she is still there........somewhere.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)