I have been reading a book by Kristen Hannah called Home Front. I cannot read it without crying...... ever. No matter what chapter, there is something heart wrenchingly familiar throughout. It is a pretty good representation of the effects of deployment, PDST and TBI on a family from the prospective of both the soldier and the spouse.
The book deals with a female helicopter pilot who has two girls and a lawyer husband. None of which support her role in the Army. She has marital issues before deploying and upon returning, injured, faces a so many more issue. It sucks. Parts of this could have been written about my family (less the bratty kids). I find myself wishing I could get a do over. Wishing I had been a different person. A better person. Not just during his deployment........ but before he even joined the Marines. I wish I could go back and find that sweet, naive kid and stop myself from taking him for granted. Stop myself from hurting him. I dont know that I really would want to stop him from joining, but at least been more supportive in the beginning.
In the past couple of years I have thought about how much he has hurt me and how I wish he would make it easier to for me to forgive him. But I have rarely thought about whether or not he has ever forgiven me............... well, thats not exactly true. I guess I didn't really think he still even considered it. Not after everything else. But forgiveness, at least for us, is definitely two sided.
I know that after saying it outloud "I forgive you" it has made things feel differently for me. It wasnt just words. It was a mindset. Granted, I still have times when I think about shit I shouldn't......when my mind goes to that dark place. But it is easier to stop it now.
And I wonder............. is it the same for him? Did he really forgive me? Will he ever?
21 March 2012
15 March 2012
Bad, Better, Worse, Amazing, Horrible........... & Then the "F" Word
Again with the yo-yo. So yesterday morning I called the hotel I thought W was staying at, no one by that name was registered. In fairness, this was the name of the hotel he stayed at last time he traveled out of town, it wasn't as if he had just given me this info for this trip. But then I tried his cell and no answer. Texted him twice. No response.
At this point I resolve to suck it up, get ready for work and not think about it.
That lasted all of 20 min. I called him again. This time he answered (sounding all happy to hear from me) and I lost it. I didn't mean to but everything came out wrong and accusatory. Not good. He got defensive and then we smoothed things over.
On my way home he called and wanted me to know how sorry he was and how he understands that he has been making things difficult for me and has been selfish. He wanted me to know that he will start paying attention to all the things that matter to me. I didn't know what to say. I kept thanking him. It was wonderful news. I was so excited. Couldn't believe it.
Last night things were great but I started feeling........... I don't know. Maybe it's my inability to trust him or that the situation could be this amazing. Just got this bad feeling that something was up.
When we went to bed, he fell asleep immediately while I lay there and fret. I recall that he had promised me a copy of the hotel receipt but then never offered to let me see it. So I got up and started snooping. I am in no way proud of this. I couldn't find his wallet and the hotel charge was not posted on his cc (I know that sometime it can take time) but still the sinking feeling got worse and worse.
I got his phone and started looking through his work emails. (he still works with the girl he had an affair with 2 years ago). What I found was not good. I woke him up. I asked him about it. Things spiraled way out of control after that.
So this morning while I was getting ready for work, I made a decision. It is not the one I would have thought I would make. But based on our conversation last night and into early morning; I felt it was the best decision. I woke him (yes, again) and whispered,
"I forgive you."
You see I listened to him rehash shit that I had done to hurt him several years ago and I realized it is our inability to let go of the pain we have caused one another that is killing us. If I want to move past my pain from his affair, I have to forgive him and really let it go. I can't keep waiting for things to be perfect for me to do this. They never will be and I will keep contributing to the problem with my insecurity.
"I forgive you for everything before today; known & unknown. And I promise not to check up on you and take you at your word. And I will do this because I know you love me, I have seen that in your behavior over the past couple of weeks. And I know you do not want to hurt me."
I realize I may be wrong and I will have to face that if it presents itself. But forgiveness does not make me stupid. Constantly sabotaging my relation does.
He held me tight and kissed me.
"I forgive you too and I love you baby."
Of all the words we have shared, we have never once said these. Never.
At this point I resolve to suck it up, get ready for work and not think about it.
That lasted all of 20 min. I called him again. This time he answered (sounding all happy to hear from me) and I lost it. I didn't mean to but everything came out wrong and accusatory. Not good. He got defensive and then we smoothed things over.
On my way home he called and wanted me to know how sorry he was and how he understands that he has been making things difficult for me and has been selfish. He wanted me to know that he will start paying attention to all the things that matter to me. I didn't know what to say. I kept thanking him. It was wonderful news. I was so excited. Couldn't believe it.
Last night things were great but I started feeling........... I don't know. Maybe it's my inability to trust him or that the situation could be this amazing. Just got this bad feeling that something was up.
When we went to bed, he fell asleep immediately while I lay there and fret. I recall that he had promised me a copy of the hotel receipt but then never offered to let me see it. So I got up and started snooping. I am in no way proud of this. I couldn't find his wallet and the hotel charge was not posted on his cc (I know that sometime it can take time) but still the sinking feeling got worse and worse.
I got his phone and started looking through his work emails. (he still works with the girl he had an affair with 2 years ago). What I found was not good. I woke him up. I asked him about it. Things spiraled way out of control after that.
So this morning while I was getting ready for work, I made a decision. It is not the one I would have thought I would make. But based on our conversation last night and into early morning; I felt it was the best decision. I woke him (yes, again) and whispered,
"I forgive you."
You see I listened to him rehash shit that I had done to hurt him several years ago and I realized it is our inability to let go of the pain we have caused one another that is killing us. If I want to move past my pain from his affair, I have to forgive him and really let it go. I can't keep waiting for things to be perfect for me to do this. They never will be and I will keep contributing to the problem with my insecurity.
"I forgive you for everything before today; known & unknown. And I promise not to check up on you and take you at your word. And I will do this because I know you love me, I have seen that in your behavior over the past couple of weeks. And I know you do not want to hurt me."
I realize I may be wrong and I will have to face that if it presents itself. But forgiveness does not make me stupid. Constantly sabotaging my relation does.
He held me tight and kissed me.
"I forgive you too and I love you baby."
Of all the words we have shared, we have never once said these. Never.
13 March 2012
Work, work, work
He is out of town again, working. I try really hard not to let it bother me but it doesn't always work. Things started out pretty good. This morning, he must have kissed me 10 times and told me he loved me... on his way out the door. It was nice.
Later, while I was at work, he called me. First time he has called me at this job so I didn't immediately recognize his voice. He thought that was funny and even tried messing with me a little, but I caught on.
He told me he knew how busy I have been at work (sarcasm) but he want me to see about planning a weekend get away for the two of us.
Wait, maybe it wasn't really my husband that called????
I was surprised, but the good kind of surprised. So I spent the remainder of the day looking into B&B's within a 300 mile radius. Even got a little excited about all the possibilities. Romantic weekend getaway..........oh, the possibilities! I hope anyway. Is never good to create ridiculous expectations. Then you're just disappointed.
Sad when having sex with one's spouse is a ridiculous expectation.
He called me when I got off work to let me know he was working diligently so he wouldn't have to go back on Saturday to finish his project. Which is even better news since we had had plans for St. Patrick's day but cancelled them after this came up.
So I keep busy with my Pampered Chef shit and making lime truffles for my co-workers and don't allow myself to think about anything negative.
Then I get ready for bed and give him a call................... and no answer. All the good and positive from the day down the crapper. He did call me right back........ but in those few minutes, I was right back in that place. The bad place. That place I have called home for so many years. One I am afraid to leave because being there is bad enough but leaving and seeing how good things could be only to go back again............ that is torture.
When things suck, you know where you stand. You know what to expect. But when things are good............ it is uncharted territory. You have no idea from one moment to the next what might happen to bring all that good crashing down. And it will happen, there is just no telling when or what might cause it.
So tonight I sleep alone........... which I hate. But I will remember to give it over to God. It is not mine to fret over. And let's face it, if fretting did any good at all............ I wouldn't have any problems.
Later, while I was at work, he called me. First time he has called me at this job so I didn't immediately recognize his voice. He thought that was funny and even tried messing with me a little, but I caught on.
He told me he knew how busy I have been at work (sarcasm) but he want me to see about planning a weekend get away for the two of us.
Wait, maybe it wasn't really my husband that called????
I was surprised, but the good kind of surprised. So I spent the remainder of the day looking into B&B's within a 300 mile radius. Even got a little excited about all the possibilities. Romantic weekend getaway..........oh, the possibilities! I hope anyway. Is never good to create ridiculous expectations. Then you're just disappointed.
Sad when having sex with one's spouse is a ridiculous expectation.
He called me when I got off work to let me know he was working diligently so he wouldn't have to go back on Saturday to finish his project. Which is even better news since we had had plans for St. Patrick's day but cancelled them after this came up.
So I keep busy with my Pampered Chef shit and making lime truffles for my co-workers and don't allow myself to think about anything negative.
Then I get ready for bed and give him a call................... and no answer. All the good and positive from the day down the crapper. He did call me right back........ but in those few minutes, I was right back in that place. The bad place. That place I have called home for so many years. One I am afraid to leave because being there is bad enough but leaving and seeing how good things could be only to go back again............ that is torture.
When things suck, you know where you stand. You know what to expect. But when things are good............ it is uncharted territory. You have no idea from one moment to the next what might happen to bring all that good crashing down. And it will happen, there is just no telling when or what might cause it.
So tonight I sleep alone........... which I hate. But I will remember to give it over to God. It is not mine to fret over. And let's face it, if fretting did any good at all............ I wouldn't have any problems.
10 March 2012
Change
He sold his bike today, though I do not have an opinion on it either way. He has always had bikes, even before the Corp and Iraq. He is relatively responsible on it. He said he just wanted to pay off bills. I hope this is a good sign but I really have no idea.
He has been fairly happy the past couple of months.....or is it just weeks. I like when he is happy but there is a part of me that is suspicious. I remember how happy he was when he was seeing someone else. I really wish I didn't think like that. We are still not having sex but he seems more affectionate. Ok, he IS way more affectionate. When he embraces me, I feel safe in his arms like I used to. I feel loved.
......................
He just came in to see what I was doing. He doesn't know that I blog. If he asks, I tell him that Im reading. He may know; he can be pretty observant when he wants to be. But he is a fiercely private person so I am not sure how well it would go over (even if I do this anonymously).
He leaned over the bed, wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my chest. He asked me when I would start my new job (a week from Monday) & what I would be doing my last week at my old job (probably spending time on Pinterest waiting for the phone to ring so I have something to do).
We are getting tile put down in our master bath. He asked if I wanted him to help pull up the carpet tomorrow (I know, what moron contractor puts carpeting in a bathroom). I told him I would.
He stands back up an looks at me. I take my hand and put it on his "package". I smile, yank my had back and say sorry as if it was an accident. Then I quickly put it back, "No Im not. You're my husband and that's mine. I will touch it if I want."
His smile broadens. "That's my waist."
And I'm an idiot.
I laugh it off. "Thought you were a little taller than that."
Silly shit. But it is good shit for us.
He has been working a lot lately. I had a show today so it didn't bother me so much. But he will probably have to go into work tomorrow. I don't like that. But I do want to give him credit for the changes he has made. When I start my new job, I will only be 2 miles from his work. We could carpool, have lunch together...... maybe. Maybe then I wouldn't be so insecure about his working all time time. I had being insecure. He hasn't gone back to the VA, but something has changed him. Is it too much to hope this change is for his family? Dare I even say............... for us?
He has been fairly happy the past couple of months.....or is it just weeks. I like when he is happy but there is a part of me that is suspicious. I remember how happy he was when he was seeing someone else. I really wish I didn't think like that. We are still not having sex but he seems more affectionate. Ok, he IS way more affectionate. When he embraces me, I feel safe in his arms like I used to. I feel loved.
......................
He just came in to see what I was doing. He doesn't know that I blog. If he asks, I tell him that Im reading. He may know; he can be pretty observant when he wants to be. But he is a fiercely private person so I am not sure how well it would go over (even if I do this anonymously).
He leaned over the bed, wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my chest. He asked me when I would start my new job (a week from Monday) & what I would be doing my last week at my old job (probably spending time on Pinterest waiting for the phone to ring so I have something to do).
We are getting tile put down in our master bath. He asked if I wanted him to help pull up the carpet tomorrow (I know, what moron contractor puts carpeting in a bathroom). I told him I would.
He stands back up an looks at me. I take my hand and put it on his "package". I smile, yank my had back and say sorry as if it was an accident. Then I quickly put it back, "No Im not. You're my husband and that's mine. I will touch it if I want."
His smile broadens. "That's my waist."
And I'm an idiot.
I laugh it off. "Thought you were a little taller than that."
Silly shit. But it is good shit for us.
He has been working a lot lately. I had a show today so it didn't bother me so much. But he will probably have to go into work tomorrow. I don't like that. But I do want to give him credit for the changes he has made. When I start my new job, I will only be 2 miles from his work. We could carpool, have lunch together...... maybe. Maybe then I wouldn't be so insecure about his working all time time. I had being insecure. He hasn't gone back to the VA, but something has changed him. Is it too much to hope this change is for his family? Dare I even say............... for us?
08 March 2012
Relative
I hate when people say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". It's not. Beauty, like most things, is relative. If you take an average looking girl and put her next to some hideous, obese skank, she starts to look a lot better. But take that same girl and put her in a room with super models and she becomes invisible (if she's lucky) and an eye sore if she's not.
So, as I was watching The Vow last weekend and alternating between "Awe, why can't my man be like that?" and "Channing's like a unicorn, looks good in pictures but we know that shit doesn't exist!" I started to think that maybe love is also relative.
Many, many years ago, I had a boyfriend who I thought was wonderful. And a good friend of mine was dating my boyfriend's best friend. They fought all the time. In fact, he used to beat the crap out of her and lock her in their apartment when he went anywhere just because he didn't trust her. So what if my boyfriend hit me a few times (when I was pregnant) and called me names (I used to think my name was Slut, Cunt & Whore)....... he was sooooooo much better than her boyfriend. That was, until she left him and got a new one. And then, I suddenly started to see mine for the piece of shit he really was.
It is not that I compare my husband to characters in a movie or in romance novels (though some of that housewife porn is pretty good) or even other women's abuses spouses. But maybe I should stop comparing him to the man he was before the Marines........ and Iraq............... and more Iraq. Maybe I should just see him as the man he is. Sounds so much easier than it really is.
Things have been better. We have had sex three times this year. Two of those in one night. Maybe that is over-sharing. But I am learning that there are many military spouses who are experiencing similar issues. Besides, there are very few people reading this that know me..............OK......... there are very few people reading this.........period.
This morning he came up from behind me, hugged me and kissed my neck. He smiled and told me he loved me. That is progress. I want to say, "that is more like the man I married".............. but he is not the man I married. He is different. He will never be the man I married. Maybe I should stop worrying about who he is and start focusing on what I am supposed to be. And that is where I get lost.
So, as I was watching The Vow last weekend and alternating between "Awe, why can't my man be like that?" and "Channing's like a unicorn, looks good in pictures but we know that shit doesn't exist!" I started to think that maybe love is also relative.
Many, many years ago, I had a boyfriend who I thought was wonderful. And a good friend of mine was dating my boyfriend's best friend. They fought all the time. In fact, he used to beat the crap out of her and lock her in their apartment when he went anywhere just because he didn't trust her. So what if my boyfriend hit me a few times (when I was pregnant) and called me names (I used to think my name was Slut, Cunt & Whore)....... he was sooooooo much better than her boyfriend. That was, until she left him and got a new one. And then, I suddenly started to see mine for the piece of shit he really was.
It is not that I compare my husband to characters in a movie or in romance novels (though some of that housewife porn is pretty good) or even other women's abuses spouses. But maybe I should stop comparing him to the man he was before the Marines........ and Iraq............... and more Iraq. Maybe I should just see him as the man he is. Sounds so much easier than it really is.
Things have been better. We have had sex three times this year. Two of those in one night. Maybe that is over-sharing. But I am learning that there are many military spouses who are experiencing similar issues. Besides, there are very few people reading this that know me..............OK......... there are very few people reading this.........period.
This morning he came up from behind me, hugged me and kissed my neck. He smiled and told me he loved me. That is progress. I want to say, "that is more like the man I married".............. but he is not the man I married. He is different. He will never be the man I married. Maybe I should stop worrying about who he is and start focusing on what I am supposed to be. And that is where I get lost.
02 March 2012
The Job
So last Friday I was driving to my new job and got a call from the job I really wanted. The HR lady wanted to apologize for not getting back with me as soon as she had promised. All I can think is........."No worries, rejection doesn't have a shelf life"................what I say, "Oh, that's OK. I know you are busy."
"We have been working on notifying all the internal candidates that the position has been filled. We need to have this done before we can make you a formal offer."
Wait...........WHA?
I don't respond. She kept talking but I had already stopped listening. I got the job? THE JOB for THE COMPANY with THE PAY? Really?
I cried on the way to the new job (the one I was now going to have to give notice to). But it was OK, my eyeliner is water proof. I was in shock. I think I am still in shock. This is the first time in at least 10 years that I have been excited about a job.
I just gave notice yesterday. My boss had been in Hawaii and I couldn't really do anything until the new-new job had completed my back ground check and drug test.
My boss took it really well and he wants me to complete the 2 weeks. I figured they would be pissed and tell me to get out. He said that he didn't really know me but that he felt this was a difficult decision for me to make. He even congratulated me on the new position. He is a good man. I really hope they get a good secretary.
So when I told W, he was genuinely excited for me............... it's way more money so of course he is. But then last night he was talking about his day and casually mentions how his boss is excited about my new position and wanted W to tell me congratulations. Wha? "You talk about me at work?"
He smiles, "Of course I do. I am so proud of you and so happy you finally got a job you wanted." He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him.
Wow................ This week has been very good. VERY GOOD.
Thank you God. Thank you!
"We have been working on notifying all the internal candidates that the position has been filled. We need to have this done before we can make you a formal offer."
Wait...........WHA?
I don't respond. She kept talking but I had already stopped listening. I got the job? THE JOB for THE COMPANY with THE PAY? Really?
I cried on the way to the new job (the one I was now going to have to give notice to). But it was OK, my eyeliner is water proof. I was in shock. I think I am still in shock. This is the first time in at least 10 years that I have been excited about a job.
I just gave notice yesterday. My boss had been in Hawaii and I couldn't really do anything until the new-new job had completed my back ground check and drug test.
My boss took it really well and he wants me to complete the 2 weeks. I figured they would be pissed and tell me to get out. He said that he didn't really know me but that he felt this was a difficult decision for me to make. He even congratulated me on the new position. He is a good man. I really hope they get a good secretary.
So when I told W, he was genuinely excited for me............... it's way more money so of course he is. But then last night he was talking about his day and casually mentions how his boss is excited about my new position and wanted W to tell me congratulations. Wha? "You talk about me at work?"
He smiles, "Of course I do. I am so proud of you and so happy you finally got a job you wanted." He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him.
Wow................ This week has been very good. VERY GOOD.
Thank you God. Thank you!
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