Words

"You're saying a lot without saying anything."
I sit next to him on the couch.  I am pretending to watch something on the tv....... but he is right, in my head, I am screaming.  Only my mouth isn't cooperating.
I breathe in, attempting to force the words.  But this only results in a sigh.
He isn't looking at me.  I think he is pretending to watch too.
I'm spinning my ring, I do this when I'm nervous........... no.  I do it when I hurt.  And right now I'm in a great deal of pain.  My head is spinning and I feel nauseous.  The words are there and I keep thinking the will just spill out but I can't seem to make them.
M comes down the stairs.  She and her dad speak......make a few jokes.
He gets up from the couch and goes to the kitchen.  I get up and proceed to make me some hot tea.
"I would have made that for you."
"I know.  It's ok."
M goes back upstairs.  I go to him and wrap my arms around him.  He holds me tight to his chest.  Still no words but the tears come.  I keep my head down and go to the bathroom.  I hate crying.  I hate crying in front of him even more.  Tears make me feel weak, vulnerable.  I hate feeling like that.  When I come out, my eyes are red but he doesn't look at me.
Back on the couch, I try harder to focus on the movie.  Try so hard to refocus my thoughts on something besides the problem.  The words.  The ones that need to be said but are so hard.  Maybe they don't.  Maybe saying them makes the problem real and not giving them voice will make it dissipate.  Maybe it will just go away.
"Are you going tell me what's on your mind or not?"
Now, I can't even look in his direction.
"You are screaming with your body language but you are still not saying anything.  Either talk to me or let it go."
I turn to face him.  The tears come now and I am helpless to stop them.  Slowly I raise my hand to wipe them away, only more come.
"I do not believe you were where you said you were.  I do not trust you when you are not with me."
There is a long pause.  I feel he is waiting for me to finish before he says anything.  Waiting to see if there is anything more.
"Only, if you are telling me the truth and I do not believe you.......... then I am pathetic and insecure.  And if I'm right and you were somewhere else with someone else, then I am just pathetic and naive."
I turn my head away from him and try again to wipe away the seemingly endless flow of tears.
I am so dizzy.  My head is spinning round and round, as if the hearing all my thoughts out loud has created some sort of vacuum.  I can no longer tell if I am even breathing.
"I do not wish to be either."
And then they are all out.  There are no more words.  There is nothing left to say.  The room is silent.  Somewhere in the background, the movie plays on............. or maybe he has paused it.  But for these few seconds, time seems to slow down.
"I don't want you to be either.  I know I have hurt you and I will leave if that is what you want but I do not believe it will help."
He reaches for my hand and I allow him to take it.  I cannot stop crying and so I do not look at him.  And because I have run out of words, I say nothing but I can feel my head slowly shake from side to side.
"How about we shower, get ready and go out.  Get some breakfast, maybe watch a movie?  But get out of the house and spend the day together."
I force myself to look at him.  I nod my head.

Rough Day

I started to write tonight because my husband has been out all day with coworkers to a wedding.  One he didn't think it was appropriate for his wife to attend.  It was a small ceremony on a golf course and he was asked to preform the ceremony and then they were all going to play 18 holes.  I asked him before he left why the bride didn't want his wife there.  He said something about the number of players.
He called several hours later to tell me that the bride said he should have brought his wife...... he said he felt like an ass.  Then he proceeded to tell me that they were all going back to the newlyweds house to hang out for awhile and then he'd be home.
Apparently he didn't feel like enough of an ass to ask his wife to join him.  I am trying but sometimes I just want to hit him over the head with something extremely large and heavy............ like a transit bus.  Really?
So, I hang out.  Clean the kitchen, do some laundry, watch Glee with my daughter (I hate that show, but I love her).  He finally calls me just a few moments ago to tell me our son-in-law has invited him to play pool and he wants to know if I mind.  I was speechless.
I said of course not.  But then I had to take it back.  I told him everything about today bothered me and though I was desperately trying to pretend it didn't.........it really did.
"So, you want me to call D and tell him that I won't make it?"
Silence.
"Hello?"
"No.  I want you to go.  I can't make you want to come home and spend time with me or ask me to come along.  So no, go.......... play pool."
I know I cannot expect him to read my mind.  But a little common courtesy would be nice.  Mutual respect.
Maybe I am just asking for too much.
Maybe I should just start with the small things............... Like loyalty. Faithfulness.
Or........... are those too much?
He just called me back.  He is on his way home instead of playing pool.  Only now.......... I'm already mad.

Suprise

Yesterday I awoke at 4:30am.  I couldn't sleep, though I lay in bed for 2 more hours trying.  I had to work a booth at a craft fair (my other job), so I finally got up to get ready.
By the time I got back home, I was exhausted.  I worked to organize my leads from the fair and then began dinner.  My husband was watching the Boise State game.  He was in an unusually good mood.

As I moved about the kitchen preparing food, he spoke,
"You are so beautiful."
I looked up to find him with a smile on his face, staring at me.
"What?"
"I said, you are so beautiful."
I smiled at his silly grin and thanked him.
Early in our marriage, he used to tell me this everyday and I probably took it for granted.  I shouldn't have.  Yesterday, was a good day.

What I do not know......

I awoke at 2 this morning.  I have no idea what woke me, but I picked up my phone to check the time and was pleased to find I still had 3 hours until I had to get ready for work.  I was less pleased to find my husband was still not in bed.  This has been a problem off and on for us.  Shouldn’t be, I know.   Only during the affair, he used to use this time to communicate with her and that still stings.  Its associated behavior.  The behavior alone isn’t a problem.  It’s what’s associated with it that is.

I slowly opened the bedroom door and looking out into the living room.  It was empty.  But the light in the back yard was on.  He was out on the patio paying a game on his phone and smoking.  I opened the door a little and asked him what he was doing.  It was cold and I could see my breath.  He smiled and told me he was keeping the cat company and playing.  He would be in shortly.

I didn’t respond but shut the door and returned to bed.  I didn’t go back to sleep and even when he did return to bed, I couldn’t sleep.  After about 30 minutes, I asked if he was still awake.  He asked me why I was.

“I’m fretting.”

“Don’t fret.  Everything is ok.”  He proceeds to detail his account of what he was doing all night.  It didn’t help.  He used to do that too…. Only it was all lies.  It is difficult to believe him.  I feel sick and consider getting up and going to the living room to watch tv.  But I know this would not be constructive.  So I lay there and fret some more. 

In the king size bed, we do not touch.  I consider reaching out but cannot force my hands away from my body.  I want to touch him but am so wary.  If he is still unfaithful and I reach out to him…. am I not pathetic?   If he needs me and I don’t reach out to him…..am I not heartless?  I want to be neither of these.

He rolls away from me and still I do not move.  I try to listen to his breathing pattern to determine if he is sleeping.  I hold my breath but still I cannot tell.  Closing my eyes I try to will myself to sleep.  It doesn’t work.

Suddenly he jumps then stills.  He jerks again and this time I do not hesitate.  I place the palm of my hand on his back.  He turns on his back, pulling my hand to his chest and holding it there.  Neither of us says anything.  I cannot tell if he was even conscience.  The tears come but I think they are good tears.  Sleep follows quickly afterwards.