Words

"You're saying a lot without saying anything."
I sit next to him on the couch.  I am pretending to watch something on the tv....... but he is right, in my head, I am screaming.  Only my mouth isn't cooperating.
I breathe in, attempting to force the words.  But this only results in a sigh.
He isn't looking at me.  I think he is pretending to watch too.
I'm spinning my ring, I do this when I'm nervous........... no.  I do it when I hurt.  And right now I'm in a great deal of pain.  My head is spinning and I feel nauseous.  The words are there and I keep thinking the will just spill out but I can't seem to make them.
M comes down the stairs.  She and her dad speak......make a few jokes.
He gets up from the couch and goes to the kitchen.  I get up and proceed to make me some hot tea.
"I would have made that for you."
"I know.  It's ok."
M goes back upstairs.  I go to him and wrap my arms around him.  He holds me tight to his chest.  Still no words but the tears come.  I keep my head down and go to the bathroom.  I hate crying.  I hate crying in front of him even more.  Tears make me feel weak, vulnerable.  I hate feeling like that.  When I come out, my eyes are red but he doesn't look at me.
Back on the couch, I try harder to focus on the movie.  Try so hard to refocus my thoughts on something besides the problem.  The words.  The ones that need to be said but are so hard.  Maybe they don't.  Maybe saying them makes the problem real and not giving them voice will make it dissipate.  Maybe it will just go away.
"Are you going tell me what's on your mind or not?"
Now, I can't even look in his direction.
"You are screaming with your body language but you are still not saying anything.  Either talk to me or let it go."
I turn to face him.  The tears come now and I am helpless to stop them.  Slowly I raise my hand to wipe them away, only more come.
"I do not believe you were where you said you were.  I do not trust you when you are not with me."
There is a long pause.  I feel he is waiting for me to finish before he says anything.  Waiting to see if there is anything more.
"Only, if you are telling me the truth and I do not believe you.......... then I am pathetic and insecure.  And if I'm right and you were somewhere else with someone else, then I am just pathetic and naive."
I turn my head away from him and try again to wipe away the seemingly endless flow of tears.
I am so dizzy.  My head is spinning round and round, as if the hearing all my thoughts out loud has created some sort of vacuum.  I can no longer tell if I am even breathing.
"I do not wish to be either."
And then they are all out.  There are no more words.  There is nothing left to say.  The room is silent.  Somewhere in the background, the movie plays on............. or maybe he has paused it.  But for these few seconds, time seems to slow down.
"I don't want you to be either.  I know I have hurt you and I will leave if that is what you want but I do not believe it will help."
He reaches for my hand and I allow him to take it.  I cannot stop crying and so I do not look at him.  And because I have run out of words, I say nothing but I can feel my head slowly shake from side to side.
"How about we shower, get ready and go out.  Get some breakfast, maybe watch a movie?  But get out of the house and spend the day together."
I force myself to look at him.  I nod my head.