What I do not know......

I awoke at 2 this morning.  I have no idea what woke me, but I picked up my phone to check the time and was pleased to find I still had 3 hours until I had to get ready for work.  I was less pleased to find my husband was still not in bed.  This has been a problem off and on for us.  Shouldn’t be, I know.   Only during the affair, he used to use this time to communicate with her and that still stings.  Its associated behavior.  The behavior alone isn’t a problem.  It’s what’s associated with it that is.

I slowly opened the bedroom door and looking out into the living room.  It was empty.  But the light in the back yard was on.  He was out on the patio paying a game on his phone and smoking.  I opened the door a little and asked him what he was doing.  It was cold and I could see my breath.  He smiled and told me he was keeping the cat company and playing.  He would be in shortly.

I didn’t respond but shut the door and returned to bed.  I didn’t go back to sleep and even when he did return to bed, I couldn’t sleep.  After about 30 minutes, I asked if he was still awake.  He asked me why I was.

“I’m fretting.”

“Don’t fret.  Everything is ok.”  He proceeds to detail his account of what he was doing all night.  It didn’t help.  He used to do that too…. Only it was all lies.  It is difficult to believe him.  I feel sick and consider getting up and going to the living room to watch tv.  But I know this would not be constructive.  So I lay there and fret some more. 

In the king size bed, we do not touch.  I consider reaching out but cannot force my hands away from my body.  I want to touch him but am so wary.  If he is still unfaithful and I reach out to him…. am I not pathetic?   If he needs me and I don’t reach out to him…..am I not heartless?  I want to be neither of these.

He rolls away from me and still I do not move.  I try to listen to his breathing pattern to determine if he is sleeping.  I hold my breath but still I cannot tell.  Closing my eyes I try to will myself to sleep.  It doesn’t work.

Suddenly he jumps then stills.  He jerks again and this time I do not hesitate.  I place the palm of my hand on his back.  He turns on his back, pulling my hand to his chest and holding it there.  Neither of us says anything.  I cannot tell if he was even conscience.  The tears come but I think they are good tears.  Sleep follows quickly afterwards.