1. It doesn't matter, get over it
2. Make him feel loved
3. Be someone who is easy to love
4. Watch how you say it
5. Apologize, it doesn't matter who's fault it is......... we are in this together
6. Do not stress him out
7. It doesn't matter
8. It doesn't matter
9. It doesn't matter
10. It doesn't matter
The reality, I am alone in this marriage and to him, it doesn't matter.
21 September 2011
Invisible
He doesn't see me any more. I have become a fixture in our marriage, like the faucet in the bathroom. I'm there, always there; nothing special. I can be used and forgotten easily. If I were to leave, he would notice but only in that he would now be forced to use a different sink to wash his hands and brush his teeth. He would be mildly irritated but he would not mourn. It would not be a loss.
We do have our good days. Days it feels as if everything will work itself out. And then there are the bad days. Always 2 steps forward......... 18 back. On these days I try to talk to him. But with each bad day, it takes so much more to bring myself to speak with him. I have to be so........... careful? No. So......... diplomatic. I have learned that if I want to illicit a specific response, I must choose my words very carefully.
This past Sunday, we were still in bed and he was on his cell phone............ playing on the internet. It took me nearly a half hour to build up the courage to tell him that he had hurt me the night before. When I finally began the conversation, he never looked at me. He spoke occasionally and never put down the phone.
"I want to scream 'YOU ARE SO FUCKING INCONSIDERATE', but I know that isn't going to help. So, again, I will tell you what it is I need from you."
Silence. Continues with cell phone
"Why do I always feel like I have to compete with your cell phone?"
"Why do you make it a competition?" Laughs condescendingly at his own joke and continues.
"I am multitasking. I can put it down when I need to."
"And you don't feel this conversation warrants your full attention?"
He puts phone down, but still doesn't look at me.
He has told me that he believes he would be better off alone. Of course he has also said he only stays for the sake of our youngest daughter. He has said a lot of things.......... a lot of hurtful things. He said it is how he feels, how he processes things in his mind. It is not his intention to be hurtful. Says his counselor has told him to be honest (he stopped going many months ago......) Honesty is good. Only, I need him to be honest about where he is and when he will be home. He could be a little less honest about whether or not he thinks my breath smells bad.
He doesn't feel or think about things the way I do. What I call "common courtesy", he claims "I just didn't think about it". Things he never would have done before, I cannot seem to break him of now. I asked him once, how would he feel if I told him I would be home in 20 minutes and 2 hours later I was still gone and not answering my phone. He didn't respond but I already knew the answer. He would not notice. Because to him, I am invisible.
I have found that invisible is just a form of constant rejection and has become a cancer to my self worth.
We do have our good days. Days it feels as if everything will work itself out. And then there are the bad days. Always 2 steps forward......... 18 back. On these days I try to talk to him. But with each bad day, it takes so much more to bring myself to speak with him. I have to be so........... careful? No. So......... diplomatic. I have learned that if I want to illicit a specific response, I must choose my words very carefully.
This past Sunday, we were still in bed and he was on his cell phone............ playing on the internet. It took me nearly a half hour to build up the courage to tell him that he had hurt me the night before. When I finally began the conversation, he never looked at me. He spoke occasionally and never put down the phone.
"I want to scream 'YOU ARE SO FUCKING INCONSIDERATE', but I know that isn't going to help. So, again, I will tell you what it is I need from you."
Silence. Continues with cell phone
"Why do I always feel like I have to compete with your cell phone?"
"Why do you make it a competition?" Laughs condescendingly at his own joke and continues.
"I am multitasking. I can put it down when I need to."
"And you don't feel this conversation warrants your full attention?"
He puts phone down, but still doesn't look at me.
He has told me that he believes he would be better off alone. Of course he has also said he only stays for the sake of our youngest daughter. He has said a lot of things.......... a lot of hurtful things. He said it is how he feels, how he processes things in his mind. It is not his intention to be hurtful. Says his counselor has told him to be honest (he stopped going many months ago......) Honesty is good. Only, I need him to be honest about where he is and when he will be home. He could be a little less honest about whether or not he thinks my breath smells bad.
He doesn't feel or think about things the way I do. What I call "common courtesy", he claims "I just didn't think about it". Things he never would have done before, I cannot seem to break him of now. I asked him once, how would he feel if I told him I would be home in 20 minutes and 2 hours later I was still gone and not answering my phone. He didn't respond but I already knew the answer. He would not notice. Because to him, I am invisible.
I have found that invisible is just a form of constant rejection and has become a cancer to my self worth.
14 September 2011
Unemployment
Yesterday, I received an email from our HR department that a good friend of mine (she is the director of AR) had "retired, effective immediately". I found this odd. The email was cold. Where was the "she will be greatly missed", "We thank her for her 27 years of service", or even "We wish her luck with future endeavors".
I began to feel sick to my stomach. I also notice the email was sent only to the Office Managers of our 6 manufacturing plants. I forwarded on to my boss and one other plant manager I work closely with. My boss was equally shocked. I explained my theory of her being forced out. He disagreed; said it had to have been because of a health issue (she has a few) or a family issue (her husband has also been ill).
I called our regional office and inquired. There are several ladies who have been with our company at Corporate for 25+ years and are all very close. I spoke with the receptionist. I asked if Y had been sick. She said no. I asked if her husband was ill. Again, she said no. I stopped asking questions. The receptionist said everyone there was very upset. I began to cry and had to let her go.
Y trained me to do my job. I spoke with her almost every day about something. We shared personal joys as well as professional frustrations. She was a mentor.
I went to the bathroom and regained my composure. I work with men, there is no crying at work. EVER!
My boss and I discussed different theories. He agreed that something was up but could not fathom that our company, who has been in business 108 years and prides itself on treating employees as family, would ever do anything contrary to that.
Shortly before lunch, I looked up her home number and wrote it down. At lunch, I called her. I told her that I would not ask anything but wanted her to know that she would be greatly missed and I owed her so much for all her patience and support during my early months as a new employee.
She had no problem opening up. She said that the new HR director (a recent college grad) had brought her into her office and explained (and I paraphrase), "Your position is being automated and your are no longer have a place with this company. You qualify for retirement so that will go into effect immediately."
Not one of our executives was even in the building. Chicken shits! Really? I understand that it is perfectly normal and even preferred for HR to handle things like this. But to use a some 20 something college grad, who has been with the company for less than 9 months, to force retire a committed employee who has dedicated 27 years of her life? THAT'S BULLSHIT!
Today, I sent flowers to her home with a heart felt note. I am embarrassed of the company I work for. I have always had issues with the way the over educated morons (all men) run this company, but this goes so far beyond anything I ever thought they would do. And that's saying a lot.
Example; a year ago, our assistant plant manager (a man) was promoted to plant manager of a new plant. There was talk of bringing in a new college grad to replace him. I figure, I have a BS and 8 months experience in my position as Office Manager (not to mention the 16 years of management experience I had before I got there).... so I throw my hat into the ring.
I spent more than a month asking my immediate boss about the job. He kept trying to talk me out of it. When I finally went over his head to his boss, I was told "That's great. But just so you know, in 107 years, a woman has never held that position. BUT, of course we will consider you."
A year later........... the position is still open and no one will talk to me about it.
Y called me today to thank me for the flowers. I told her about me blogging to help me deal with my spouses PTSD and TBI. I hardly speak to anyone about this and NEVER anyone I work with. It was difficult. But I wanted her to know that blogging and reading the blogs of other has helped me to cope with issues. She responded in her thick southern, debutant accent, "Hang in there sweetie, its a long and bumpy ride. A very long one." You see, her husband fought in Vietnam. I knew that but never thought we might endure a similar struggle.
Almost two years I have worked with her and we never discussed it. Of course, I am not saying we will talk about it now.............. its just that....... so many of us suffer in silence. Day in. Day out. And maybe. Well, maybe its not necessary.
Stupid things, I know. Not that after talking to Y, I'm going to rush out and start a support group. But I might start looking into finding one that already exists....................maybe.
I began to feel sick to my stomach. I also notice the email was sent only to the Office Managers of our 6 manufacturing plants. I forwarded on to my boss and one other plant manager I work closely with. My boss was equally shocked. I explained my theory of her being forced out. He disagreed; said it had to have been because of a health issue (she has a few) or a family issue (her husband has also been ill).
I called our regional office and inquired. There are several ladies who have been with our company at Corporate for 25+ years and are all very close. I spoke with the receptionist. I asked if Y had been sick. She said no. I asked if her husband was ill. Again, she said no. I stopped asking questions. The receptionist said everyone there was very upset. I began to cry and had to let her go.
Y trained me to do my job. I spoke with her almost every day about something. We shared personal joys as well as professional frustrations. She was a mentor.
I went to the bathroom and regained my composure. I work with men, there is no crying at work. EVER!
My boss and I discussed different theories. He agreed that something was up but could not fathom that our company, who has been in business 108 years and prides itself on treating employees as family, would ever do anything contrary to that.
Shortly before lunch, I looked up her home number and wrote it down. At lunch, I called her. I told her that I would not ask anything but wanted her to know that she would be greatly missed and I owed her so much for all her patience and support during my early months as a new employee.
She had no problem opening up. She said that the new HR director (a recent college grad) had brought her into her office and explained (and I paraphrase), "Your position is being automated and your are no longer have a place with this company. You qualify for retirement so that will go into effect immediately."
Not one of our executives was even in the building. Chicken shits! Really? I understand that it is perfectly normal and even preferred for HR to handle things like this. But to use a some 20 something college grad, who has been with the company for less than 9 months, to force retire a committed employee who has dedicated 27 years of her life? THAT'S BULLSHIT!
Today, I sent flowers to her home with a heart felt note. I am embarrassed of the company I work for. I have always had issues with the way the over educated morons (all men) run this company, but this goes so far beyond anything I ever thought they would do. And that's saying a lot.
Example; a year ago, our assistant plant manager (a man) was promoted to plant manager of a new plant. There was talk of bringing in a new college grad to replace him. I figure, I have a BS and 8 months experience in my position as Office Manager (not to mention the 16 years of management experience I had before I got there).... so I throw my hat into the ring.
I spent more than a month asking my immediate boss about the job. He kept trying to talk me out of it. When I finally went over his head to his boss, I was told "That's great. But just so you know, in 107 years, a woman has never held that position. BUT, of course we will consider you."
A year later........... the position is still open and no one will talk to me about it.
Y called me today to thank me for the flowers. I told her about me blogging to help me deal with my spouses PTSD and TBI. I hardly speak to anyone about this and NEVER anyone I work with. It was difficult. But I wanted her to know that blogging and reading the blogs of other has helped me to cope with issues. She responded in her thick southern, debutant accent, "Hang in there sweetie, its a long and bumpy ride. A very long one." You see, her husband fought in Vietnam. I knew that but never thought we might endure a similar struggle.
Almost two years I have worked with her and we never discussed it. Of course, I am not saying we will talk about it now.............. its just that....... so many of us suffer in silence. Day in. Day out. And maybe. Well, maybe its not necessary.
Stupid things, I know. Not that after talking to Y, I'm going to rush out and start a support group. But I might start looking into finding one that already exists....................maybe.
12 September 2011
Books
I read a lot. Before my husband's second deployment, he suggested a read McCoy's Marines to help me understand all the things he can't bring himself to talk about. After that, I began to acquire more and more books about the Afghanistan and Iraq Wars. Then I saw the HBO series, The Pacific. Soon I was searching Amazon for books written by E.B. Sledge (Sledgehammer) and Robert Leckie (Lucky); books about WWII POW's (Louis Zamperini), Medal of Honor recipients (John Basilone) and a Marine who was so crazy about fighting for his country, he lied about his age and joined at 14 (Jack Lucas).
Right now I am reading When the War is Over... A New One Begins at home, With the Old Breed when I'm not busy at work and The Help while commuting between the two.
Shortly after starting my latest job, found it was a good use of my time to get audio books to help make my 600 mile per week commute a little more tolerable. I love them. There are some days I cannot wait to leave for work, just so I can listen to my book for an hour. So I can escape into someone else's world.
But no matter what I read and the insight I might gain..... It will not help me to understand what my husband it going through. Those books will not improve my marriage or make me feel appreciated..... or even loved. I wish there was a book for all of that.... or a pill. Something.
For now they are just books and like drugs or alcohol......... I will use them to break away from the pain I have at home. And yet I know, I'm lucky. At least I still have my husband. I am lucky.
I do love him. It's just been so long since I felt that love returned.
11 September 2011
11 September 2001
It was early in the morning, so early it was still dark outside. I lay on the couch watching TV when he came out to the living room with his bags packed.
"Have you had much sleep?" he asked looking down at the little girl in my arms. Her face was flushed with fever but her eyes were closed.
"Some. She was up several times so I stayed out here. She hasn't been asleep for long."
He leaned down and kissed my forehead.
"I will miss you but I will be back in a few days."
He was headed to Vegas for a manufacturers convention. It was something, as a young engineering contractor for Hallmark, he had fought long and hard to be a part of.
He kissed me again, this time on the lips.
"I love you. I will call you when my flight lands."
He picked up his bags and headed down the stairs to the front door.
"I love you," I whispered, so not to wake her.
The house was silent. The door didn't open. After a few moments, I heard his soft foot steps slowly ascend the stairs. I turned to look at him.
"I can't go. Not while she is still so sick."
I started to object but interrupted me.
"You haven't slept in days. Let me take her, you go to bed; get some sleep. I will wake you when its time to drive S to school."
He took her from arms before I could object.
Later, as I drove our 10 year old to school; we chatted about what she would be doing at school that day. I did not have the radio on. After I kissed her goodbye and told her to have a great day, I headed back home. I was still so exhausted. The quiet was inviting to the sleep I needed so badly.
I rolled window down and allowed the cool morning air to blow on my face. Then I switched on the radio..................................
I kept picturing a small single engine plane, some poor pilot who miscalculated or was drinking. It had to have been an accident. A horrible accident.
As soon as I arrived back home, I raced up the stairs and turned on the tv. He was asleep on the couch. The baby was in her crib, sleeping. I didn't have to search for the news, it was on every channel.
"You have to see this! It was all over the radio."
He sat up, immediately drawn into the footage. I backed away from the tv and sat next to him. As we both tried to grasp what had happened, the second plane struck tower two.
"That was definitely not a small plane."
I reached for his hand and squeezed it tight. As the President grounded all flights, I realized just how much worse things would have been had he gotten on his flight to Vegas. I looked over at him, pulling my eyes away from the horror on the screen.
"Thank you for not going."
He returned the squeeze.
I had to call into work so I could take the baby to the doctor. I worked for a Persian family who owned a retail store. When I called my boss, he was also watching the news. They had just begun to report on the plane that had struck the Pentagon.
"They have to stop. They have to stop or things are going to get out of control." The panic in his voice was obvious. And I knew what he meant. His family was not Arabic, but they were Muslim and he was worried that would make them and their business a target.
We sat and watched the footage unfold for the remainder of the day. I do not recall ever taking the baby to doctor's. I know I cried several times that day. I kept thinking about all the people trapped, all their families not knowing where their loved ones were. Thinking about all the firemen and policemen risking their lives.......... so many sacrifices, so much loss. I was reminded of the Oklahoma City bombing. I remembered thinking that bombing had to have been done by some crazed anti government SOB. But an American. I did not think that about this attack.
When S came home from school, she said they had done nothing but watch the news all day. She said her teachers had cried and some of the students too. But she wasn't entirely sure what was happening. We both spoke with her and tried to answer questions but it was a lot for a 10 year old to take in.
I knew things would change after that day; but I had no idea just how my world would be directly effected.
August 2004
I dropped my husband off at the hotel. The girls and I stood facing him as we tried to find the words to say goodbye. The following day, he would be headed to San Diego MCRD for boot camp.
"Have you had much sleep?" he asked looking down at the little girl in my arms. Her face was flushed with fever but her eyes were closed.
"Some. She was up several times so I stayed out here. She hasn't been asleep for long."
He leaned down and kissed my forehead.
"I will miss you but I will be back in a few days."
He was headed to Vegas for a manufacturers convention. It was something, as a young engineering contractor for Hallmark, he had fought long and hard to be a part of.
He kissed me again, this time on the lips.
"I love you. I will call you when my flight lands."
He picked up his bags and headed down the stairs to the front door.
"I love you," I whispered, so not to wake her.
The house was silent. The door didn't open. After a few moments, I heard his soft foot steps slowly ascend the stairs. I turned to look at him.
"I can't go. Not while she is still so sick."
I started to object but interrupted me.
"You haven't slept in days. Let me take her, you go to bed; get some sleep. I will wake you when its time to drive S to school."
He took her from arms before I could object.
Later, as I drove our 10 year old to school; we chatted about what she would be doing at school that day. I did not have the radio on. After I kissed her goodbye and told her to have a great day, I headed back home. I was still so exhausted. The quiet was inviting to the sleep I needed so badly.
I rolled window down and allowed the cool morning air to blow on my face. Then I switched on the radio..................................
I kept picturing a small single engine plane, some poor pilot who miscalculated or was drinking. It had to have been an accident. A horrible accident.
As soon as I arrived back home, I raced up the stairs and turned on the tv. He was asleep on the couch. The baby was in her crib, sleeping. I didn't have to search for the news, it was on every channel.
"You have to see this! It was all over the radio."
He sat up, immediately drawn into the footage. I backed away from the tv and sat next to him. As we both tried to grasp what had happened, the second plane struck tower two.
"That was definitely not a small plane."
I reached for his hand and squeezed it tight. As the President grounded all flights, I realized just how much worse things would have been had he gotten on his flight to Vegas. I looked over at him, pulling my eyes away from the horror on the screen.
"Thank you for not going."
He returned the squeeze.
I had to call into work so I could take the baby to the doctor. I worked for a Persian family who owned a retail store. When I called my boss, he was also watching the news. They had just begun to report on the plane that had struck the Pentagon.
"They have to stop. They have to stop or things are going to get out of control." The panic in his voice was obvious. And I knew what he meant. His family was not Arabic, but they were Muslim and he was worried that would make them and their business a target.
We sat and watched the footage unfold for the remainder of the day. I do not recall ever taking the baby to doctor's. I know I cried several times that day. I kept thinking about all the people trapped, all their families not knowing where their loved ones were. Thinking about all the firemen and policemen risking their lives.......... so many sacrifices, so much loss. I was reminded of the Oklahoma City bombing. I remembered thinking that bombing had to have been done by some crazed anti government SOB. But an American. I did not think that about this attack.
When S came home from school, she said they had done nothing but watch the news all day. She said her teachers had cried and some of the students too. But she wasn't entirely sure what was happening. We both spoke with her and tried to answer questions but it was a lot for a 10 year old to take in.
I knew things would change after that day; but I had no idea just how my world would be directly effected.
August 2004
I dropped my husband off at the hotel. The girls and I stood facing him as we tried to find the words to say goodbye. The following day, he would be headed to San Diego MCRD for boot camp.
05 September 2011
The Wedding
Saturday was our oldest daughter's wedding. It was so beautiful and many people worked so hard to make sure everything was perfect. Of course it wasn't, but I'm probably the only one who noticed. I think I might have slept 5 hours in the 3 days prior to the big day. Saturday morning I awoke with the worst sinus infection. I was beyond tired and felt horrible. I cried twice before 10am.
We made it to the Mansion (a historical home where the wedding and reception were held) at noon and had 6 hours before the ceremony was to held. It was the fastest 6 hours of my life. I had my hair done by my hairdresser before I left, so I wouldn't have to worry about it. I had to steam wrinkles out of my dress, my youngest daughter's brides maids dress and of course the wedding dress. Then I had to fix hair for two brides maids and the bride; do my make up and the brides; finish getting myself ready and during all of this, run around and answer questions. I am sure this is all normal stuff for all mothers of the bride. I could not have done it without the help of my family and close friends.
But as I sat and watched my daughter emerge at the top of the stairs with her dad (in his dress blues) I realized that nothing else mattered. It had all be about this moment. The string quartet played and I watched as they came down the stairs and then the isle. After he gave her away to the groom, he sat next to me and took my hand in his. He had tears on his cheeks. Later he would say it was hot and he was sweating but I know better.
So my husband, who is completely incapable of feeling............ can feel. And this means there is hope. And any hope, regardless of how small....... is Hope.
We made it to the Mansion (a historical home where the wedding and reception were held) at noon and had 6 hours before the ceremony was to held. It was the fastest 6 hours of my life. I had my hair done by my hairdresser before I left, so I wouldn't have to worry about it. I had to steam wrinkles out of my dress, my youngest daughter's brides maids dress and of course the wedding dress. Then I had to fix hair for two brides maids and the bride; do my make up and the brides; finish getting myself ready and during all of this, run around and answer questions. I am sure this is all normal stuff for all mothers of the bride. I could not have done it without the help of my family and close friends.
But as I sat and watched my daughter emerge at the top of the stairs with her dad (in his dress blues) I realized that nothing else mattered. It had all be about this moment. The string quartet played and I watched as they came down the stairs and then the isle. After he gave her away to the groom, he sat next to me and took my hand in his. He had tears on his cheeks. Later he would say it was hot and he was sweating but I know better.
So my husband, who is completely incapable of feeling............ can feel. And this means there is hope. And any hope, regardless of how small....... is Hope.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)