Invisible

He doesn't see me any more.  I have become a fixture in our marriage, like the faucet in the bathroom.  I'm there, always there; nothing special.  I can be used and forgotten easily.  If I were to leave, he would notice but only in that he would now be forced to use a different sink to wash his hands and brush his teeth.  He would be mildly irritated but he would not mourn.  It would not be a loss. 

We do have our good days.  Days it feels as if everything will work itself out.  And then there are the bad days.  Always 2 steps forward......... 18 back.  On these days I try to talk to him.  But with each bad day, it takes so much more to bring myself to speak with him.  I have to be so........... careful?  No.  So......... diplomatic.  I have learned that if I want to illicit a  specific response, I must choose my words very carefully.

This past Sunday, we were still in bed and he was on his cell phone............ playing on the internet.  It took me nearly a half hour to build up the courage to tell him that he had hurt me the night before.  When I finally began the conversation, he never looked at me.  He spoke occasionally and never put down the phone.
"I want to scream 'YOU ARE SO FUCKING INCONSIDERATE', but I know that isn't going to help.  So, again, I will tell you what it is I need from you."
Silence.  Continues with cell phone
"Why do I always feel like I have to compete with your cell phone?"
"Why do you make it a competition?"  Laughs condescendingly at his own joke and continues.
"I am multitasking.  I can put it down when I need to."
"And you don't feel this conversation warrants your full attention?"
He puts phone down, but still doesn't look at me.

He has told me that he believes he would be better off alone.  Of course he has also said he only stays for the sake of our youngest daughter.  He has said a lot of things.......... a lot of hurtful things.  He said it is how he feels, how he processes things in his mind.  It is not his intention to be hurtful.   Says his counselor has told him to be honest (he stopped going many months ago......)  Honesty is good.  Only, I need him to be honest about where he is and when he will be home.  He could be a little less honest about whether or not he thinks my breath smells bad.

He doesn't feel or think about things the way I do.  What I call "common courtesy", he claims "I just didn't think about it".  Things he never would have done before, I cannot seem to break him of now.  I asked him once, how would he feel if I told him I would be home in 20 minutes and 2 hours later I was still gone and not answering my phone.  He didn't respond but I already knew the answer.  He would not notice.  Because to him, I am invisible.

I have found that invisible is just a form of constant rejection and has become a cancer to my self worth.