Because if I look back, I am lost.
W has been gone all week for work. This will be the norm for the next 6-9 months. Again, I am ok with this. Not just more so than before; I am truly just as comfortable with him gone as I am with him glued to the PS3 playing COD.
Before he left, we had a very insightful discussion regarding us. At one point he high fived me. And it was good. It was the first serious conversation we have had in so long.
I am reminded of when we first met. When it was fun to flirt a little but we spent more time as friends. I have always heard that you should marry your best friend. I wonder if this is really what they had in mind.
But to move forward, it is not wise to look back. The silly, little girl notions of "happily ever after" are gone. Reality is messy. However, there is something very refreshing about where I find myself. Great Expectations aside; I have the rest of my life to look forward to.
27 March 2014
17 March 2014
What Now?
I am unsure where to go with this blog. I do not feel the same struggle I did a year ago. I'm not the same person I was when I began this blog. I do not know who I am a this point in my life, but I know I want to be better. I am better and stronger than I was. I understand that I am not responsible for my husband's condition nor can I change it. Love does not conquer anything and God know's there is no such thing as Happily Ever After.
I know that my worth is not dependent on the whims of another. I know that if I do not love myself, no one else can.
I know I want to continue to write but I know not what I should write about. In a way, I am still lost. Only now, I understand that I am lost and I can begin to find my way out.
I know I have said nothing with this post. But from an Irish girl to anyone who still reads this............ Happy St. Patrick's Day. Maybe next year, I will be in Ireland celebrating the proper Irish way.
I know that my worth is not dependent on the whims of another. I know that if I do not love myself, no one else can.
I know I want to continue to write but I know not what I should write about. In a way, I am still lost. Only now, I understand that I am lost and I can begin to find my way out.
I know I have said nothing with this post. But from an Irish girl to anyone who still reads this............ Happy St. Patrick's Day. Maybe next year, I will be in Ireland celebrating the proper Irish way.
03 March 2014
In The Here And Now
I completed my treatments last June and was made to return to work 11 days later. Was not happy about that; not sure my boss was happy about having back an emaciated, barely functioning version of the person I had been. But I slowly improved, got stronger, gained back the weight (this part was unfortunate).
I was declared "in remission".
In Dec. I returned to have a series of labs to determine if I would have to repeat the treatments. I mentally tried to prepare myself; finally deciding that worst case scenario, I got another 6 month vacation. I was cured, with a less than 1% chance that it would ever come back. Wonderful news! Only then I realized I had to stay at work.
What else......
So my son-in-law completed his training for the Marine Corp and was stationed in Cali. My daughter moved out there last Nov. I miss her terribly.
My youngest is now a crazy teenager. She started cutting, stopped cutting, got her hair cut and decided that gender means nothing (this is Teenagese for I have a girlfriend). Of course we are very supportive of her, we did have to explain that because she could not pick a side, sleep overs were now out of the question. These are definitely the fun years. But in all reality, with what she has been through...........this is nothing. She is still a straight A student and at least we don't have to worry about boys.
W is traveling a lot for work. When he is home, we get along very well. There is so much politeness that we are beginning to sound like Sesame Street characters. Its nice but weird. I have no real complaints about him. We have even had sex a few times.....of course he was pretty trashed and probably thought I was someone else.......or just forgot he wasn't attracted to me but whatever. He texts or calls me when he is out of town and if he doesn't, well, that's ok too. I think removing the expectations has also removed the jealousy.....or at least it removed mine.
I'm not saying that it wouldn't hurt if he came home and said he was leaving me. But at least I know now that it would not kill me. I am stronger than I was a year ago. Stronger than I have been in a very, very long time.
I do not know what the future holds; not for me, not for us. But for now, I will be grateful for all I have.
I was declared "in remission".
In Dec. I returned to have a series of labs to determine if I would have to repeat the treatments. I mentally tried to prepare myself; finally deciding that worst case scenario, I got another 6 month vacation. I was cured, with a less than 1% chance that it would ever come back. Wonderful news! Only then I realized I had to stay at work.
What else......
So my son-in-law completed his training for the Marine Corp and was stationed in Cali. My daughter moved out there last Nov. I miss her terribly.
My youngest is now a crazy teenager. She started cutting, stopped cutting, got her hair cut and decided that gender means nothing (this is Teenagese for I have a girlfriend). Of course we are very supportive of her, we did have to explain that because she could not pick a side, sleep overs were now out of the question. These are definitely the fun years. But in all reality, with what she has been through...........this is nothing. She is still a straight A student and at least we don't have to worry about boys.
W is traveling a lot for work. When he is home, we get along very well. There is so much politeness that we are beginning to sound like Sesame Street characters. Its nice but weird. I have no real complaints about him. We have even had sex a few times.....of course he was pretty trashed and probably thought I was someone else.......or just forgot he wasn't attracted to me but whatever. He texts or calls me when he is out of town and if he doesn't, well, that's ok too. I think removing the expectations has also removed the jealousy.....or at least it removed mine.
I'm not saying that it wouldn't hurt if he came home and said he was leaving me. But at least I know now that it would not kill me. I am stronger than I was a year ago. Stronger than I have been in a very, very long time.
I do not know what the future holds; not for me, not for us. But for now, I will be grateful for all I have.
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