Liar Liar

Our last counseling session was a little over a week ago.  It went well.  Our assignment was to schedule time together, spent in our underwear, touching one another.  The rules: no touching under the clothing and no sex.

We did this last Saturday.  It was amazing and the no sex thing proved to be the most difficult part.  Since then, I have noticed a marked improvement in him.  He is happier, more open and more affectionate.  Still no sex, but the counselor says to do this right, it could be some time before we are ready.

I was hopeful.

Last night we met in the city for dinner and a movie, to celebrate M's birthday.  When I arrived with the girls, I smelled smoke on him.  When I asked him about it he said it was the first on since his birthday 3 weeks ago.  I let it go.

Later, when were home and I was getting ready for bed; he was outside........... smoking again.

I asked him if he had bought a pack.  He laughed it off but didn't answer.  I asked him if he had been smoking while he was out of town for work.  He said yes.  I asked him why he would lie.  Again, he makes light of the situation and then says he didn't want to admit to it in front of M.

So it is better for her to have a dad who lies and smokes?  (side note: M hates that her dad smokes, she asks him all the time to quit.  She was very proud of him when he said he had)

He is still smiling and laughing like this is some kind of joke.  I explained that it was NOT ok.
When he got into bed, he said he was sorry and he would throw the rest of the pack out.  But its not about the smoking.  It's the lying.

Because if he is going to lie about this, what else has he continued to lie about?
Again........................2 steps forward, 6 steps back.

Barely Broken

I only took one psych class, but it doesn't sound much like an official diagnosis.

It does however, sound more promising than either of us had hoped for.

The counselor said he had never met a couple as civil as we are.  We are 90/10; 90% good & 10% messed up.  Not that that 10% isn't very important, but couples where we are do not usually seek help or mention the D word.

When the 10% is a lack of an emotional connection, then there are days when it feels like 90% . We have another apt next week.

We went for dinner afterwards to talk.  I am not to ask him for sex anymore because I make him feel "obligated".  I know this sound horrible, but I have to tell you that getting him to talk to me about this shit is so rare, I feel it is progress.  Not that it did't hurt, it did.  It still does.  He did tell me that I am beautiful and very sexy; he just doesn't see me that way.

Is that like "I love you but I am not in love with you."?

"You are desirable, I just don't find you desirable."

Very similar............

He left for vacation a week ago Friday.  I have spoken to him twice during that time and both were very short conversations.  He has text me about as often.  And I know I told him not to worry about calling me every night to check in, but a little more communication would be nice.

This past Wednesday, I took the girls on a 6 hour road trip to visit a friend.  The trip has been fun and we are on the "no plan" plan so it has been very laid bad.  

There have been down times when I want to text or call him to tell him I  miss him.  But I don't.  I tell myself if he really cared or thought about me, he would be calling or texting me.  I would just be bothering him.

He flies home today and we won't be back until tomorrow afternoon.  I wish he missed me.  I wish he had wanted me to go with him.  But I cannot make him feel anything and he appears content to remain that way.