Old Friends

During his first deployment, I was introduced to the Gunny's wife.  She was the KVC for our unit.  She became my rock.  She taught me everything there was to know about Family Readiness and every drill weekend, I drove 3 hours to her home and spent the weekend with her........ drinking and crying.  Her husband was deployed at the same time, though to a different country.  She did such a great job training me, the CO requested I take over when her husband later accepted an assignment in Germany for a year.

Our husbands' second deployments were a year a part and it was more difficult to really be there for one another.  I have not seen her since the day before my husband returned from his last deployment.  That was 3 years ago. A lot has happened since then........... I can not tell you how much I have missed her............ and needed her.  She is training for her job in a city much closer (only 1.5 hours from me).  I am driving down to see her tomorrow night, returning on Saturday morning.  I am so excited to see her......... but weary.

I am not the same person I was 3 years ago.  I do not want to just cry at her the entire time, but those tears are long over due.  And I hate crying.  Makes me feel weak.  I saw this kleenex commercial once, where they said "tears do not compromise my strength."  Good in theory, but they always make me feel vulnerable and that makes me feel weak.  There is even a part of me that is trying to invent reasons not to go.

I respect her.  I think she has always respected me.  I do not want that to change.   We have never spoken about changes in our spouses.  She does not know about his PTSD and TBI.  And because she has never said anything about her husband............. it is easy to assume he is fine.  Which is ridiculous...mine is anything but fine and I haven't told her.

Guess we will see........... if I make it down.   God, please grant me the strength to do this.  

What To Do?

This past week has been really difficult.  I have anxiety attacks daily.......... sometimes multiple times a day.  I keep feeling like something is very wrong; as anyone who has ever had one of these can attest. For some people, the symptoms are more along the lines of a heart attack, but mine have always felt like impending doom.

Last night I had a dream he was still involved with the other girl.  I have to admit, forgiveness has not been so easy and I think my anxiety attacks are directly related to this bullshit.  There are some definite doubts that he has ended things with her.  Which means this affair has spanned more than 2 years..............and Im the biggest fucking idiot in the world.  Yeah me!

I am trying to remain objective: so either I am right and my subconsciousness is refusing to allow me to overlook the obvious OR I am being a crazy, jealous, insecure girl and need to go back on my meds.  Could be both?

When we first got serious about dating, I used to ask myself "If he left, would I be ok?"  I asked that every day until my answer was an undisputed "No!"  Recently, I have started asking myself that same question again.  So far, the answer remains "no", but I do wonder how much longer I can do this.  And since I do not know what the fuck this is...........I don't even know how to measure my tolerance.
I hate this...........

On a more positive note.............. I mean the only positive note.  I do love my new job.  I can throw myself into it entirely and not focus at all marriage woes (at least from the hours of 7-5).  I have also started back to Cross Fit.  I can't believe I waited so long to go back.  I have missed it.  Will be nice not to have so many giggly parts to hide.  Unfortunately, I have cut out drinking as it interferes with my insane workouts.  And there are days when I could really use a drink................... or 6.

What we forget vs the shit we hang on to

We had a long list of shit to get done this weekend.  Yesterday, my husband starts the morning off by suggesting we watch a movie and then do stuff.   We accomplished nothing yesterday...... not that is necessarily a bad thing.  Then he took allergy meds last night and went to bed at 9.

I stayed up and and hung with M for a little while.  She inquired about an Easter baskets.  I brought out a bag full of candy......... she made me hide it for her.  She is 12 and way past believing in the Easter Bunny.  M brought up the one Easter when she cried because she couldn't find her basket and thought the bunny had forgotten about her.  I realized I never told her what really happened.

I was working weekend nights at the hospital and going to college during the week.  It was after W's first deployment, very shortly after in fact.  Before I left for my shift, I gave him very strict instructions,
"The girls baskets are in the closet.  All you have to do is to hide them after they go to bed.  This is very important!  I do not want to come home to tears and cries of 'the Easter Bunny forgot me'."

When I arrived home early the next morning, I was immediately met with sobs,
 "The Ea-ster Buh-Nay forgot about me!"
My head screams........ DAMNIT W!
But I got this, I can handle anything................ I hope.
"Did you check behind the couch?"
"Ya-es"
"The kitchen?"
"The Bunny always hides it behind the couch.  And he forgot!"
"No baby, he didn't forget.  We just have to look harder.  Did you check your room?"
"I did."
"How about you check again and I will see if that silly rabbit left it in my room by mistake."
She cries all the way to her room and I make a mad dash into my room, back to the closet and grab both baskets.  As I head out of my bedroom, I yell (in a hushed voice) at my husband, who is still in bed sleeping.  When I start down the hall, M emerges from her's.......... head down and still crying.  I have just enough time to duck into the laundry room, drop her Easter basket in the laundry basket on the dryer and throw the other basket in the bathroom and then exit the laundry room and start back down the hall towards her before she looks up.
"Was it not there?"
She is crying so hard she can do nothing more than shake her head.
"How about you check the laundry room and I go look in your sister's room?"
 I stand outside of S's room holding my breath.  When I peak down the hall, I see her holding her basket.
She is smiling through her tears.  I exhale and start back towards her.
"It was in here mommy.  But he always puts it behind the couch."
"I know baby.   But you know what, we never had kittens before............. and I bet that bunny had to find a new spot because he was afraid the kitties would get him."

We both laughed.  She told me that she had thought for the longest time that her dad had just hid it in the wrong spot.  I told her how pissed I had been at him, but it ended up being of my favorite stories.   I should remember to tell more of those and less of the others.

Easier Said than Done

I wish saying "I forgive you" was as magical and instantaneous as saying "Abra ca dabra"

We spent the the past weekend out of town; little romantic getaway.   It didn't start out so well.  I was tying to be all romantic and he says something stupid and hurts my feelings.  And then laughs it off.  Meanwhile, I get more and more upset.  My crazy girl shit kicks in and my thought process spirals seriously out of control.  He then says, "Don't let it ruin your weekend.  I'm not."
REALLY?  Of course NOT!  I'm the one who was mean.

So after spending way too much time in the bathroom getting ready  (really I was trying to pull my shit together and not cry), I sucked it up and got over it. We head out into the city.

Then his allergies act up so he takes a bunch of medication.  He goes from his usual antisocial self to not talking at all.  So we go to a museum (his idea, not mine.......... I let him choose all the activities), walk around, have a drink at a tavern, walk around some more, drink some more at another bar............ and we say maybe 10 words to one another.

By this time, I mention that things aren't going so well.  He either doesn't hear me or ignores me.  I try again and he says its the allergy meds.  He tries to make light of the situation.  It doesn't help.
We start talking about our youngest (at least we still have that in common).  We get into a fight.  (we also have that in common.)  He asks me why I always hold on to things.  Hello Pot!
This from someone that during our last big fight, brought up shit I did in 2003.

I told him I didn't want to fight with him.  His response surprised me.
"So what if we do?"
"I don't like fighting with you.  I hate when you are mad at me."
"And what if I am.  I will get over it. Shit, you should tell me to get over it.  Its not the end of the world."
"But it bothers me."
Long silence and then I begin again....
"You see that as weakness...............don't you?"
He nods his head in agreement.
"I can tell."

I reflect on this for awhile.  I know this to be true.  He did not marry a sniveling, insecure girl who starts and ends every sentence with "I'm sorry".  He married a confident, stunning, yet challenging & stubborn woman bitch.  I am not her. I have not been her for some time.
I need to find her.  I did step up my game after that.  The evening got better.  That night was A LOT better, as was the next morning.

He once told me that his counselor told him to fake it until it felt real (this was about his inability to feel anything).  I think it is time I do the same.  Until I again feel confident, beautiful & desired  (ie. the bad ass I used to be)............ I will fake it until I can make it real.

My new job is amazing and it is a great start to rebuilding so much of what I have lost.
He is working out of town the next three day.  But tonight, he sent me a text and asked me to call his hotel room.  We talked for an hour........ most of it laughing and joking (zero fights).  It was good.  I can do this.  We can do this.  And there is no magic fix for all we have broken.  But the magic is still there............ and some day it will be fixed.