A vague and cryptic start

This morning, I lay in bed and wrote my blog; not typed words that can be spell checked…… the ones that crowd my head; overrun my mind.  I must have written 6 or 7 pages.  It wasn't chronological; in fact there was no order to it whatsoever.  More like random thoughts from the past 13 years.  I got up when the tears had soaked my pillow. 

I thought it would be easier to do this if I held complete anonymity.  I have thought about what I would write for the better part of 2 hours this morning and either I am at a loss for where to begin or I’m stalling.  Maybe a little of both.

I keep reading blogs written by other military wives hoping to find the courage to share.  My story isn’t special or unique.  The more I read, the more I am beginning to think it’s not even worth sharing.  Who the Hell am I to complain about anything?!  My husband came home.  He came home with few scars and all his limbs.  He hasn’t beaten me and is never angry.

I have a friend who is married to a veteran of the Air Force.  She tells me that I am a selfish brat. 

“Stop making this about you.  This is about him and what he has been through.  It is NOT about you.”

“It doesn't matter.”  This is what I used to tell myself when he hurt me.  In the beginning, I didn't have to say it much and it was easy to believe.  I would say it when I felt rejected, when he was indifferent or condescending.  Then I would have to say it on the way to work in the morning so I could focus on my job.  Eventually, I had to say it every morning just so I could get out of bed and every night so I could sleep. 

It doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter.

Only………. It does.  If it didn't, I wouldn't have to say it, I wouldn't even think about it……..

It.  Just. Wouldn't.  Matter.