The First Time

I lay facing his back; his soft breath is the only sound in the room.  The sun just barely penetrates the blinds and filters through the dark curtains.  Slowly and very lightly, I trace my finger in the space between his shoulder blades.  My mind drifts back…..

Now the room is well lit as the sun pours in the sliding glass doors of the balcony.  They both lay naked on the futon in the living room.  There is laughter….. so much laughter.

“I don't know!”  Her voice is raised but the smile on her lips betrays her feigned irritation.

“You have to try harder.  Here, I will go slower.”

He draws his index finger slowly across her back; very deliberate and over exaggerated.

“How about that?”

“Nooooooo!  I don't want to do this, I suck at this game.”

“Don’t say that.  Here, you can do it to me.”

Her expression changes from pouty to devious as she rolls out from under him and turns to face him. 

“Alright.”

He smiles at her and plants a kiss full on her lips.  She returns the kiss with passion that matches his and then pulls away quickly.

“Your turn!”

She pushes him face down on the futon and pulls herself to a sitting position. 

“Are you ready?”

“Go for it.”

Her finger moves slowly across his back in long, smooth movements.  When she is finished, she pauses for a reaction.

“Is that it?”

“But what did I write?”

He pauses and then replies, “Do it one more time.”

She laughs and this time she draws just a little more quickly.

“I don't know.  Try something else.”

She laughs out loud.  This is so much more fun when he isn’t any good at it either.

Again, she glides her finger across his back.  This time when he claims not to know, she jabs her finger into his ribs.  He jerks to the side, “UGH!”

“Ok, ok.  One more time but you have to hold still.”

“Then no more tickling.”  

Behind his back, the smile on her lips broadens and her eyes light up.

Without thought, she quickly traces out one symbol and two letters.

She sits back and waits.  There is no immediate reaction and the pause only adds to her giddiness.

“How do you know?”

The smile immediately fades as her heart drops into her stomach.

 “W-what?”

He flips over to face her and grabs her arms to keep her from pulling away.

“How do you know?”

She stares at him as if his words are incomprehensible. 

“You have never been ok with saying that before, how do you know now?”

He knew.  He knew all along what she had been writing.  He only pretended not to, to see if she would let her guard down.  It had work.

I can smell the sweet scent of his skin; warm to the touch.  And I had done those 13 years ago, I trace out that same phrase between his shoulder blades.

I ♥ U 

This time there is no reaction.  His breathing remains unchanged.  I lean forward the gently kiss over where I have traced.  He pulls away and rolls closer to the edge of the bed, still sleeping.  I try not to take it as rejection, but it's a struggle.  I scoot closer and kiss him one more time.  This time he has no where left to move without rolling onto the floor.

I close my eyes and recite the prayer I have said at least a million times in the past 6 years.

"Father please give me the strength and courage to be what he needs me to be.  Please help me to help him.  Please heal him as you are the only one who can.  Please bless and watch over him."