Nearly A Year Later.

I tried back in Sept to write, but then my Grandmother passed away and well..........I didn't really care much to share my feelings.  And W and I, well........it didn't really seem to matter.  I needed to grieve.

I have a lot to cover, so here it goes.

In April I began an affair.  It was with someone I had known for some time and for bad or worse, someone W also new.  A Marine.  My counselor told me not to make any decisions while undergoing my treatments.  The mix of psychotic drugs, severe mood swings, anti psychotics, sleeping pills and pain meds didn't make for the most sound judgement.  I am not justifying what I did, nor am I making excuses.  I can tell you that I chose him, it was not something that I just allowed to happen.  I planned it.  He was 9 hours away.   Single.  And he was very good to me.  The sex was phenomenal.  Most importantly, I told W immediately.  He was unresponsive.  Told me he just wanted me to be happy.

I made plans to move in with him.  We will call him NM.  I made several trips to see him and he to see him.  I finished treatment in June.  Went back to work.  Struggled to fully recover.  Both mind and body.  W and I spoke of divorce, split everything we owned.  It was beyond civil.  There are couples who claim to be in love that are not as civil as we were.

I began to struggle with my decisions.  I was being selfish.  I couldn't leave my daughters.  My Grandmother's health was deteriorating.  I began to pull away from everyone.  I tried to explain my internal struggles to NM.  He claimed to understand but his actions said otherwise.  Then my Grandmother died.

I was home alone with her.  I thought I could be strong and handle it.  I had been through this with my Grandfather.  I was wrong.  She was so cold.  Her lips turned blue so fast.  Do I cover her up?  Do I leave her alone.  Did I already call Hospice or was I supposed to call the funeral home first?  M was to be home any moment from school.  OMG!  I have to keep her from coming home!  I found the antianxiety medication I had been giving to my Grandma.  I took some.  I tried to call M's school, but they had dismissed for the day.  I tried to call her friend.  No answer.  I took more of the antianxiety stuff.  I called S (our oldest daughter) at work.  I made her cry, but I didn't want to her come home until the body had been picked up.  The body.  Grandma.  M came home and I met her at the door.  She called her friend to come get her.  I wouldn't let her in the house.

I never called W.

Later I would recall him waking me up to ask me what I took and how much.  There were stories of things that I did that I would never remember.

Hospice came.  The funeral home came.  They took her away.  There were many days following that I do not recall.

For now...........that will do.
I will try again tomorrow.