Reel her in boys

I have cut out the anti psychotics.  It has helped with the crazy dreams.  They are getting ready to up the dosage on the shots.  Even though they told me there was no evidence of the crap in my system, now they are saying it is there only minute.  Could have to go back to the anti psychotics if the increased dosage of the shot makes me want to to punch babies.  I am hoping not.

I have been pulling away from W.  My counselor made me promise that I would refrain from making any major decision regarding my marriage for the next 3-6 months; when I am finished with treatment and the meds are out of my system.  I am trying to honor that but there is a part of me that feels I have already made the decision..............how does one unmake a decision like that?

I have noticed he has been trying a little more than usual to make things ok.  It is very little and I cant say that I react to it at all.  He is gone 3 days a week now for work and I know this sounds bad, but I like when he is gone.  I no longer wonder what (or who) he may be doing.  I dont get upset if he doesnt call or text.

He makes me feel like a fish.  I could be throwing myself into his fucking boat and he would look at me in discussed as he threw me back.  But when I am hopeless and begin to feel the apathy he so prominately displays, then Im some prize to have on his mantel.

Well fuck this game, Im not biting this time.  If he wants me............it will take some grand gesture of love.............and not only am I quite sure he is incapable of this, I think it is just too late for me to give a shit.

Who tells their wife to not only never ask for sex, but not even to bring it up??!?!?!  That was 6 months ago and I have complied with his wishes.  But I did not get married so I could have a roommate.

Treatment

I have lost 21 lb and my hair is thinning, but I am half way finished with my treatment.  My blood test show I am no longer anemic.  I still have bad days but I am coping.  The biggest challenge is trying to care for my grandmother and myself with very little support from W.

He helps some but since my grandmother has gotten worse and our oldest daughter and her husband have moved back in with us, the stress is difficult for all of us.  He told me that since I wasnt working, he would love for me to go out of town with him when he goes for work.  That was 3 months ago............. he hasnt brought it up since.

The other day W told me I should to try to be more positive.  As if my attitude adjustment will magically fix everything.  I was more positive.  I took antidepressants and saw a counselor  just to fix what was wrong with with me........only to find out I wasn't the problem.  I want to be positive but I feel he gives me very little to be positive about.  When I need his support the most, he is simply not capable of giving it.  So I try not to need it, to need anything from him.  If I could be cold and unfeeling like him, our marriage would survive..............but I wouldn't.

My meds make me crazy.  I recently quit taking a few of them, I now have insomnia.  But at least I dont have the nightmares.  I asked W for a divorce a few weeks ago, he said he had promised not to allow me to make any major decisions while on this treatment.  But I cant tell if its the meds or if 7 years of rejection have just been too much for me to bare.  I still love him.  He still can make me laugh.  But I do not want him to touch me anymore.  I do no desire him the way I once did (even when he rejected me).  He is my roommate and that is all.  I have even started making excuses to sleep on the couch.

And it hurts.  It hurts because I thought if I loved him enough I could help heal him.  I could bring back the man I married.  The romantic man who asked me to marry him in Italian.  The man before he was a Marine.  Before he was broken.  Before the war, the affair, all the words that cant be unspoken.

I am preparing to say goodbye knowing how many more people will suffer because of this decision.  I know the repercussions will be far reaching.  I know my youngest may never forgive me.  I also know that I may spend the rest of my life alone.............and yet that doesn't bother me.  Only the effect it will have on our girls.

Gone

I still see his face

And sometimes, I even remember

What his voice sounded like whispering sweetly in my ear

I remember all the good things

Yet they are overshadowed by so much pain

What I can no longer recall is

His touch

The way he smelled when I was close to him

What his lips felt like pressed to mine

The warmth of his body while we slept

In a picture, I still hold him as he once was

But he long gone

And I feel lost

Lost without what it was that was there

When the picture was taken

Lost and unable to find my way

Back………..

To…..

No, just lost

And unable to remember

Where it is that we have been

Lost

With no hope of finding….

With no hope of remembering

What it was we once had

I know I am lucky, my Marine came home

But he is not mine any longer

He is an empty shell, unable to even recall who he once was,

Or why he once loved me 

-anonymous