Fear

The counselor stares at W.  I glance from one to the other.  W raises his eyebrows and shrugs.
"So you haven't noticed any changes in your behavior?"
Pushing out his lower lip, W shakes his head from side to side.
"No changes in your marraige.'
He shrugs and says, "I didn't think there was anything really wrong before."  W smiles, thinking he is funnier than he really is.
"How about changes in her."  He points in my direction.
"I guess she seems happier."
"Any you don't think you have had anything to do with that?  You need to give yourself more credit."

I start feeling like I am watching a tennis match. I am positioned on the couch so that with a slight turn of my head, I can W or our counselor.  My head starts spinning but its not from all the back and forth.  No, this is from his complete lack of observation.  Is is really setting here claiming he hasn't noticed any differences?  I know I have seen them.  Haven't I?  It can't all be the meds I have put myself on..........meds I have increased when I can't handle certain situations.  Meds that have my youngest daughter saying, "I like medicated mom!"

So is it really better?  I think so.  It feels better.  Most days anyway.  These past two have sucked.  He has been really irritable.  I am trying to leave him alone and do my own thing.  Being around him when he is like this causes me serious anxiety and I break out in hives.

The counselor asked us how things were.  Then he asked what we needed for things to be great.  W didn't have an answer.  I changed my answer.  Explaining that things have been better than just good.  But the better they get, the more I fear they will go back to how they were.  Like the other day, he was out of town for work and didn't call me when he said he would. It still doesn't take much for my thoughts to run a muck.

I know that I have so little left when I comes to my broken heart.  I cannot take another lie..........affair.........heartache.  And the better things get, the further I have to fall when it happens again.  I just want to embrace the happiness............but............I am so afraid.

So I pray and I remind myself, I may not be strong enough to do this any more........... but there is someone who is and through Him..............all things are possible.  Facing what scares the shit out me, facing my fear...........I can do this.

Baby Steps

Our counselor asked that we write down 10 things that the other does/or we wish they would do that makes us feel loved.  After reading them aloud to one another, we were asked to keep the lists in a place where we could see them every day.  We are asked to do at least one thing on the list every day.

We make weekly appointments with one another, just the two of us, no interruptions, must remain partially clothed, candle lite and music and no sex.  We have done this 3 times.  We adhered to all the rules the first two times.

The other day I was putting up his clothes and found my list in his top drawer.  It made my heart leap.

Over the past few weeks I have seen an incredible change in him.................... in us.  Baby steps, but they are all steps moving us forward, not backwards.

We have a long way to go, but I want to thank the Not Alone Organization for all they have done for us.   We could not have made the progress we have if it were not for them.