Sometimes I refrain from writing because things are good..........others, well..........I prefer not to be negative all the time. Last weekend was good. This weekend has been shitty. I can feel him trying but its......... it feels less than genuine. There were times before when I was impressed by the things he did, going so far out of his way..........only to find out later what he was really doing.
I feel like that today.
Today..........today, I feel hopeless. I feel that I am never going to be what he wants. I will never be the ones he really loves. Today, I feel my world crashing in. Today hurts.
And as the tears slowly descend my cheeks, hopelessness devours what is left of my heart.
I have doubled my antidepressants and today I have taken 3 anti-anxiety pills. I cannot imagine how much worse this would be if I had to face it without anything.
Today is a "feel sorry for my self day".
Not a proud moment.
Maybe I will be better tomorrow.
29 July 2012
20 July 2012
Anger, Anxiety & Meds
The other day my supervisor pissed me off to the point that I wanted to choke her out. Just squeeze her tubby little head until her eyes popped. And I'm not even the one with PSTD!
On my way home I stopped by the drug store with the script I got more than a week ago just to ask how much of the $250 was covered by my insurance. $33 is my cost? You don't say? Fill it!
I hate the way anti depressants make me feel for at least the first 2 weeks. Nauseous, tired and like a zombie. But no tears or fits of psychotic rage. So now, I am on both anti anxiety and anti depressants. Maybe this is long overdue.
.
W has been out of town all week. Today I get an email announcing that he is going to see his dad for a week at the end of Aug. Really? I thought we were both going, now its just him? I never see him and now he is vacationing without me.
We had a little chat when he got home. He suddenly recalled the conversation where I had been included in that trip. He apologized. Somewhere in there, it became a camping trip for just him and his dad and he just forgot about me. Love my meds......... because I got over it.
We are going on a little road trip this weekend. Just waiting on him to get his stuff ready.
Its really about shit for his car, but I am excited to be included.
Hopefully it is a good thing.
And he has his first apt with the counselor next week.
On my way home I stopped by the drug store with the script I got more than a week ago just to ask how much of the $250 was covered by my insurance. $33 is my cost? You don't say? Fill it!
I hate the way anti depressants make me feel for at least the first 2 weeks. Nauseous, tired and like a zombie. But no tears or fits of psychotic rage. So now, I am on both anti anxiety and anti depressants. Maybe this is long overdue.
.
W has been out of town all week. Today I get an email announcing that he is going to see his dad for a week at the end of Aug. Really? I thought we were both going, now its just him? I never see him and now he is vacationing without me.
We had a little chat when he got home. He suddenly recalled the conversation where I had been included in that trip. He apologized. Somewhere in there, it became a camping trip for just him and his dad and he just forgot about me. Love my meds......... because I got over it.
We are going on a little road trip this weekend. Just waiting on him to get his stuff ready.
Its really about shit for his car, but I am excited to be included.
Hopefully it is a good thing.
And he has his first apt with the counselor next week.
11 July 2012
My Bullshit Thought Process
I met with my counselor again on Monday. I am now only seeing her once every two weeks. This is not because I have made so much progress but because I am trying to space out my limited number of visits, just in case I am not approved for additional ones.
She has me focusing on changing my thought process; the one that leads to anxiety and self-defeating attitude. First, I had to identify the automatic thoughts I am prone to:
Assuming:
He won't have sex with me
A) He is having sex with someone else
B) He does not love me
C) I am old and unattractive (difficult for me to even admit I think this way)
Shoulds:
I should be a perfect wife
I should make his life easier
I should not say stupid shit that makes him not love me
Labeling:
If I cry, I am showing weakness.
If I trust him, I am a naive moron.
If I stay, I am stupid.
If I leave, I am cruel and a quitter.
Catastrophizing:
He is mad at me and its all my fault and fucking world is ending!!!
(my personal favorite)
Making Feelings Facts:
I feel like shit, therefore I am shit.
I feel rejected, therefore I am not worth shit.
Core beliefs: influence my AT's (automatic thoughts)
Knowing all of this about myself doesn't really help my self esteem issue, but it's a start. I can't fix it if I don't know what it is.
He asked me the to call the Not Alone people and see if they would get him set up to see someone. I was surprised. Hopeful. Apprehensive.
(Taken from The Self-Esteem Workbook)
She has me focusing on changing my thought process; the one that leads to anxiety and self-defeating attitude. First, I had to identify the automatic thoughts I am prone to:
Assuming:
He won't have sex with me
A) He is having sex with someone else
B) He does not love me
C) I am old and unattractive (difficult for me to even admit I think this way)
Shoulds:
I should be a perfect wife
I should make his life easier
I should not say stupid shit that makes him not love me
Labeling:
If I cry, I am showing weakness.
If I trust him, I am a naive moron.
If I stay, I am stupid.
If I leave, I am cruel and a quitter.
Catastrophizing:
He is mad at me and its all my fault and fucking world is ending!!!
(my personal favorite)
Making Feelings Facts:
I feel like shit, therefore I am shit.
I feel rejected, therefore I am not worth shit.
Core beliefs: influence my AT's (automatic thoughts)
- "I am worthless if I am not a bad ass at everything I do. Good enough is never good enough."
- "I am inadequate as a wife."
- "Worrying insures that I'll be prepared to face and solve problems. SO the more I worry, the better. This helps me to prevent future mistakes and problems and give me extra control."
- "My worth is dictated by his rejection or acceptance of me."
Knowing all of this about myself doesn't really help my self esteem issue, but it's a start. I can't fix it if I don't know what it is.
He asked me the to call the Not Alone people and see if they would get him set up to see someone. I was surprised. Hopeful. Apprehensive.
(Taken from The Self-Esteem Workbook)
07 July 2012
Depression
I am not entirely sure where this shit is coming from but it has definitely made a much unwelcome reappearance in my life.
I have been working a lot, many upcoming deadlines. I was excited about being able to take the 4th off; a middle of the week break. The 4th has not been a real holiday for us in many years, but I had asked him what he wanted to do. It was decided that we would spend the entire day lounging around the house, drinking, eating and losing ourselves in movies.
Fire works began last Sunday and I could feel his tension. Then he left town for work until Tuesday night. While he was gone, I had my anti-anxiety script refilled (something I haven't taken in 3 years. Thought maybe it would help one or both of us. When he got home Tuesday night, he told me that he would be working all day on the 4th. I was disappointed but tried to make myself ok with it.
I cleaned some, worked a few hours on projects for my work. Called my daughter and asked if she and her husband wanted to come for dinner, then spent the rest of the day cooking. That evening went ok. I went to bed around 10 because I had to be at work really early the next day.
Thursday was unremarkable. M is out of town seeing family so it is really just he and I. We get home around 7-730. Watch some TV, have a drink and talk a little. He asks me if I am taking anything. He knows about he anti-anxiety stuff so I am not sure why he is asking. He says its not that, I am way too quiet and not myself. I smile and say that it must be nice since he says I talk to much anyway.
Yesterday I had a horrible day at work. I was so far from my usual jovial self (yes, I am jovial at work, even if I am faking it most of the time). But not yesterday. More than once I found it difficult to not cry. And I do not even know what is wrong.
I left around 4:30 (which is early for me) and came home and went to bed. He called around 745 and said he would pick up dinner. When he got home, he told me that nothing sounded good for dinner but he did get a bottle of wine. Then he immediately got on the phone with someone from work. The call lasted almost 2 hours. When he finally got off, he apologized and said we should watch a show. That lasted less than 20 min when a buddy of his called and said he was in our driveway and wanted some help with his car. The show was paused and after waiting more than a half hour, I turned it off and went to bed.
This morning he gets up and immediately starts working. I ask him how long he will be working today and he responds that he should only have to go in for an hour........ but he has some other work to do before he can leave.
I ask him for a better balance of work and home. He says he will try but I know that look. I try to politely explain that last night sucked and he just started blankly at me, whispering "Last night?" I detail it out for him. He says he is sorry.
The first thought when I awoke this morning was "Oh, I know what this is. Welcome back, old friend.......... has been awhile." We are old friends, depression and I. He comes and goes usually only staying a short time. But this, this time he pulled up a Penske truck and plans to take up residents for awhile. And me, I do not have what it takes to deny him. So I wrap myself up in his darkness like a down comforter and make myself at home.
Only now, I have to do all of this and not show W. He already sees me as weak. This would just drive him further away. But who do you go to for comfort when the one you need the most, needs you to just be strong enough to not need anyone.
I have been working a lot, many upcoming deadlines. I was excited about being able to take the 4th off; a middle of the week break. The 4th has not been a real holiday for us in many years, but I had asked him what he wanted to do. It was decided that we would spend the entire day lounging around the house, drinking, eating and losing ourselves in movies.
Fire works began last Sunday and I could feel his tension. Then he left town for work until Tuesday night. While he was gone, I had my anti-anxiety script refilled (something I haven't taken in 3 years. Thought maybe it would help one or both of us. When he got home Tuesday night, he told me that he would be working all day on the 4th. I was disappointed but tried to make myself ok with it.
I cleaned some, worked a few hours on projects for my work. Called my daughter and asked if she and her husband wanted to come for dinner, then spent the rest of the day cooking. That evening went ok. I went to bed around 10 because I had to be at work really early the next day.
Thursday was unremarkable. M is out of town seeing family so it is really just he and I. We get home around 7-730. Watch some TV, have a drink and talk a little. He asks me if I am taking anything. He knows about he anti-anxiety stuff so I am not sure why he is asking. He says its not that, I am way too quiet and not myself. I smile and say that it must be nice since he says I talk to much anyway.
Yesterday I had a horrible day at work. I was so far from my usual jovial self (yes, I am jovial at work, even if I am faking it most of the time). But not yesterday. More than once I found it difficult to not cry. And I do not even know what is wrong.
I left around 4:30 (which is early for me) and came home and went to bed. He called around 745 and said he would pick up dinner. When he got home, he told me that nothing sounded good for dinner but he did get a bottle of wine. Then he immediately got on the phone with someone from work. The call lasted almost 2 hours. When he finally got off, he apologized and said we should watch a show. That lasted less than 20 min when a buddy of his called and said he was in our driveway and wanted some help with his car. The show was paused and after waiting more than a half hour, I turned it off and went to bed.
This morning he gets up and immediately starts working. I ask him how long he will be working today and he responds that he should only have to go in for an hour........ but he has some other work to do before he can leave.
I ask him for a better balance of work and home. He says he will try but I know that look. I try to politely explain that last night sucked and he just started blankly at me, whispering "Last night?" I detail it out for him. He says he is sorry.
The first thought when I awoke this morning was "Oh, I know what this is. Welcome back, old friend.......... has been awhile." We are old friends, depression and I. He comes and goes usually only staying a short time. But this, this time he pulled up a Penske truck and plans to take up residents for awhile. And me, I do not have what it takes to deny him. So I wrap myself up in his darkness like a down comforter and make myself at home.
Only now, I have to do all of this and not show W. He already sees me as weak. This would just drive him further away. But who do you go to for comfort when the one you need the most, needs you to just be strong enough to not need anyone.
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