Doing it again..........

I've been awake since 5am.  I hate not being able to sleep.  He left to go out of town last night.  This time it was to hang with friends.  He did call me this morning.  Apologized for not calling last night.  Said he was going to shower, eat breakfast and then call me when he was on his way back.

I have this overwhelmingly bad feeling.  I tried to make it go away, but nothing is working.  I looked up activity on his phone.  Strange that here are no calls to the area code where he said he was going.  If I was going to see my friend in another state, I would call a few times.

I called the phone company and told them that I lost his phone and asked them if they could locate it if the GPS was on.  They tried but said it would have had to be have been set up with them previously in order to do that.

 So I tried to call him back but he didn't answer.  Just keeps getting worse.

My counselor asked me if it was want or need that kept me in this marriage.  I tired to think clearly about it and answered "want".  But she disagreed.  I have thought a lot about that this week.  I think she is right.  Me, who has prided myself for so long on never needing anything.................... am so needy.

I need to move past this.  Move past this person I have become.  Move past needing him.  The only thing I really need is to become a better person.  To love and forgive myself.  To be there for my girls.  And right now, I really need more sleep.  But I do not need him.  Do not need to know where he is or what he is doing.

"I'm afraid it will be the end.......... the end of us"

I stare at him, trying to take in his words.
Its dark and the night air is warm; his face a silhouette against the neighbors obnoxious flood lights.
Hesitantly, I start "Afraid they will say......... we........."
"They will tell us we are too fucked up to be together."
I do not respond.  It has become difficult to breath.  I am so grateful the night hides the tears that I have now have no control over.  But my voice, my voice will betray me as soon as I open my mouth.

This is why he has changed his mind about seeing a counselor.

After taking time to reflect on last nights conversation (as directed by my counselor), I believe this may not be completely bad news.  If he is afraid we will be advised against staying together, then maybe he does care..................If he still cares, maybe we still have a chance.

I have had four counseling sessions.  Yesterdays being the longest and most difficult.

She gave me many things to work on and made it clear that even if he decides not to attend, there are so many things I can work on to help the situation.

1. I need to forgive myself

2. No more telling myself "it does not matter", as it only serves to diminish my worth.  It does matter.

3. It does not, however, matter at 3am and if this is when I have an anxiety attack, I will write down the issue and address it when I am well rested and he is not sound asleep

4. I need to commit to addressing the issue even if after a good nights sleep, I feel it does not matter

I hate that at my age, I need reminders to not be a freaking girl.  I love that she does not make me feel like an idiot for being a freaking girl.

"What can I do to make this better?"

Friday
He came home and announced that he had some very good news for me.  So good in fact, that I would probably want to jump up and down.  I stared at him, waiting for him to share this amazing news.  When he paused just a little too long.............. I kind of figured it out.
I asked him how much longer he intended on keeping me in suspense.
"She turned in her two weeks notice."
I smiled but not too much.  I agreed that was good news.  I did not share that it was 2 years over due but I also was far from jumping with joy.
It is a relief but it does little to repair the damage already done.

Saturday
I got up early, showered, shaved and did all those careful grooming things girls do to get noticed.  Then I covered myself in coconut lotion.  I got back in bed with him and asked for exactly what I wanted.  I was rejected, of course.  He had his reason but the hurt is the same.  Instead, he promises to make it up to me that night.  I ask him what the consequences are if he backs out.  He tells me I can cut off his balls if he does.  We both laugh.  Surely, he wouldn't say that and then back out.
But we have company for dinner and not even half way through he becomes extremely antisocial.  When I ask him what is wrong, he replies he has a headache.  We are not even in bed and he is already setting up his excuse.  When we do finally go to bed, he lies on his side, back to me and is silent.  When I tell him good night, I barely get a grunt in response.

Sunday
He has decided that he should go out of town late tonight rather than getting up early and driving (again, for work).  I do not approve but say nothing.  He makes it clear that he will be leaving at 7pm.  I plan dinner around that time.  And at 6:30, he begins to get ready.  I lay on the couch and pretend I do not care.
Eventually, he comes in and turns the light on.  He is in a very good mood.
"See what I am taking with me?"
He shows me a flask with and EGA and his name engraved.
"Its the one you had engraved for me."  He holds it all proud and smiling.
I turn back towards the TV, which is not even on.
"That's not the one I got you.  The one I got you had your graduation date from boot on it."
I glance back at him and he is looking at the front of the flask.
"Then where did this one come from?"
"I believe it was a gift for being in Michael's wedding last year."
He is still frowning.
"I thought this was the one you gave me."
I am not only irritated by him trying too hard, I am also hurt that he cannot remember a gift I gave him.
"That is really nicer than the one I gave you."
The conversation fades out and he leaves to continue packing.
When he returns, he sits on the ottoman in front of me and takes my hand.
"Is something wrong?"  I try not to look at him when I speak.
"No, but I can tell from the look on your face that you are not ok."
"I would rather you not go down tonight but I know this is your work and it's just how it is."
"What can I do to make this better?"
I am surprised not only at this question but at the sincerity in his voice as well as the look in his eyes.
"You can stop making excused when I ask you for sex."
"Those weren't excuses............."
He goes on but I cut him off.
"Those excuses have been the only thing you have been consistent about for the past couple of years.  Regardless of how legitimate you feel they are, it all feels like rejection to me."
He starts to say something and then pauses.
"I'm sorry."
He holds my hand in both of his and presses it to his lips.
"What else can I do?"
"Nothing."
He looks at me and then leans in to kiss me as he wraps both arms around me.
As he pulls back............
"There is one more thing.  You can go to counseling with me."
"I can do that."
The next 30 minutes we discuss the fact that I have been seeing a counselor.  He is surprised but not upset.  I explain that it is through the Not Alone organization and that even though it has only been twice, I feel pretty good about it.  He doesn't even have to see the same person.  He can begin by going to her husband and then we can work up to having sessions together.  He is not only accepting to this arrangement, he seems genuinely excited about the idea.
This is good but I am understandably apprehensive, as I know his state of mind changes quickly........ without reason and without warning.
I will see my counselor tomorrow.  I am hoping the Not Alone people  make it easier to get him into counseling than the VA did.