The Talk

The TV plays but my mind is elsewhere.  I keep trying to build up the courage to speak but it is so difficult.  What if the conversation takes a wrong turn?  What if I say the wrong thing?  What if he doesn't talk?  What if he does and I don't like what he says?  What if this conversation isn't even necessary?
What if, what if, what if?
The show ends and I know I need to either say something or just go to bed.
"So......are we ok?"
"Yeah."
"I mean, REALLY ok?
He stares at me blankly.  His face says 'didn't I just answer this?'
"Because I don't feel like we are ok."
Again, with the blank stare.
From here things get a little fuzzy.  Emotion kicks in (damn girl feelings) and things just pour out of my mouth.  I bring up his emotional disconnect, lack of interest in me..... blah, blah, blah.  Somewhere in there I started crying, just a little but I had tried so hard not to.
"I love you so much but I can't continue on like this.  It is killing me.  Killing my self worth.  I am afraid that one day I will wake up and leave.........deciding I can take no more.  And that is not a threat.  I know that by your behavior you would be unaffected whether I am here or if I was to disappear forever."
"You really think that?"
"I do."
He raises one eyebrow.
"What does that say about me?"
"That you are so completely shut down emotionally that you are incapable of real emotion."
Silence.
"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to stay married?"
"Yes."
"Then I need you to fight for me.  Fight for us!"
He said he was sorry, that he would try harder and even go back to counseling at the VA.   I feel good about us.
But then days pass................ and he still won't touch me.  I start to think nothing has changed; that nothing ever will.  I allow myself to think about my life without him........... a very dark place I try to never visit.

We are sitting on the couch watching TV........ we do this a lot.  I am tired, I haven't been sleeping much.  My mind is numb and though I am not really paying attention to the show, I am not fretting about anything either.  I feel him looking at me and turn to face him.  He takes my face in his hand and kisses me, full on the mouth.  This takes me completely by surprise and I get butterflies.  When he pulls back, I have to catch my breath.  He smiles.
"I love you."
My heart aches and I fight back tears.  I can't even form words for several seconds.
"Thank you."