Why I stay

A friend of mine recently asked me this question.  Almost 13 years of marriage and more than half has been a struggle.
But answering was easy.  He is my best friend.  I remember who he was before the Marines..... before 2 deployments......... before the lies, the cheating, the pain.  I know he will never be the same person I fell in love with, but the love I have for him has not diminished.
And there are still days when he can make me feel loved.
I stay because I have never allowed myself the option of leaving.  Marriage is difficult.... some days more so than others.

Absent

I celebrated my birthday a few weeks ago.  I have been absent for awhile.  Absent from my own thoughts.  I have been filling my time with family.  My girls.......... sometimes my husband.  My full time job and my new part time job.  Recently, I ran into a friend I had lost touch with some time ago.  It has been good to have a friend.  I spent so much time cutting everyone out of my life so I wouldn't have to speak of painful things........ I forgot how good it is to hear my voice.  And though the pain remains, she understands in a way not many do.... or can.
And it makes no sense to me.  She is younger.  So much younger.  She shouldn't get me the way she does.  But I am glad she does.  It is comforting to know someone does.

She asked me to come with her to a dance class.  Burlesque.  It was fun.  I had also forgotten how much I loved dance.  How good it feels to move my body.... feel the music and nothing else.  To get lost.
I will go back next week............ an maybe the week after.